Just Keep Swimming

[finding nemo]

BEWARE VENT TO FOLLOW:

UGH!! H is on the phone now after giving me a lecture about how he can't answer the cellphone at work (he leaves it in his car), which is fine. But D10 wanted to talk to him, so I let her call him. She wants him to come to the movies with us tonight. Why can't he just be their daddy?!

She got off the phone and thought he was coming with us, you should have seen how happy she was. When I asked her "did you tell him which theater", she said no. I said "did he really say he was coming?" Made her call him back. Of course he's not coming, has to know what my exact plans are though. And then to see her little sad face when the conversation ended. He gave her a reason that he was just leaving work and was too busy, but she said he sounded annoyed that she'd called back. What a dope he is!

[hopeless in wa]

Hear ya on the exercise. I seem to be spending to much time sitting while on the laptop. It will probably help my mental outlook.

[BFloat]

ahhh.. exercise.. lol. yes.. that is a good GAL.

i'm sad to hear about your D. it's so irritating to see how the WAS can do that to the kids. but what can you do? focus on your time with them and ensure that they know how much you love them (which is what i believe you are already doing!)

did you tell H what your exact plans were? funny how he needs to know what you're up to but doesn't extend you the same courtesy. i am great at the art of being vague..

what movie are you going to see?

[adinva]

Hi Finding Nemo - just wanted to say hi and tell you I'm following your sitch and sympathizing. I have kids about the same ages as yours, except the little one. My boys are 14 and just-turned-12. I've been at this since last June.

I spent a lot of time and emotion at first agonizing over how a man could do this to his kids. But in the end the relationship he feels a need to end is with you, and the kids are along for the ride. If you're the best Finding that you can be, and you look inward and use this experience to your benefit, you'll know you did everything that you could to help your kids. They'll learn from your strength, and from seeing how you respond to life's setbacks. They'll benefit from your therapy if you get good therapy, they'll benefit from your increased ability to see the other side and respond without reacting. Certain things we all learn here after awhile, that make us better people, better parents, and better partners for the future.

I haven't had a lot of time on the boards lately, but just wanted to pop in and say hi.

[finding nemo]

Thanks HIW, BF & Ad! I promise to respond better when I'm not so furious.

Having a rough day already. H showed up over an hour late (40 minutes late in his mind) to pick up the kids. H mentioned to me how he was going to pick up some small Easter baskets for the kids. (I said fine, just remember some of our kids still believe in the Easter Bunny and don't overdo.) Well you should see these baskets - they're huge, filled with candy, toys & money. AAAAAAH!! Now he's talking about how he'll be back with the kids in about 3 hours. He will have spent total 5 hours with his kids this week!!! (And seemed incredulous when I called him on it!) What an arse! Someone please remind me why I ever married such a JERK and what the heck I'm doing trying to revive any kind of relationship with him!!

[finding nemo]

Oh, and I did forget to mention that I asked H if he could take his dog (a nearly 17 year old Golden Retriever mix) to the emergency vet today. She has a hard time swallowing and is making an awful noise. H didn't even look at the dog until I said something, then commented she's just whining. I corrected him and said nope, she can't breathe. H is too busy tonight to help his dog, but will try to come by tomorrow to take her. So, Tonight, while I'm doing Easter Bunny duty, I will have to find time to carry his dog to the ER so they can bill me to tell me that she's old and should have been put down anytime over the last 3 years - exactly what I said to H over the last 3 years. When will I ever wake up from this nightmare of my H's making?!

OK, stepping away from the computer and when I come back I will feel better! Thanks for letting me vent.

[Soxfan2008]

Music is tricky isn't it??

2 things I've learned.

1) Love songs are about the future, not about what was lost. Listen to them as a hope of what can be, will be, and what you want. The tears will stop.

2) Download the "other songs" to your phone/iPod/CD and title it along the lines of "pick me up", "need a laugh", "screw you"....

the other songs being

Cheater cheater by Joey and Rory
King of anything by Sara Bareilles
It's my life, by Bon Jovi
50 ways to leave your lover, by paul simon
Bye, Bye by Joe Dee Messina
better man, better off, Tracy Lawerence
didn't know my own strength, Lorrie MOrgan
F.O.D. by Green day (one of my favorites once you know what F.O. D stands for)
Hit the road Jack by Ray Charles
I'm MOving on by Rascal Flatts
Better things to do, Terri Clark
Believe in Love, by cher
How do you like me now, Tobi Keith
Since you've been gone, Kelly Clarkson
Stronger, Britney Spears
Strong enough, cher
You're so vain, Carly Simon
Gonna get a life, Mark Chestnutt
Mr. Know it all, Kelly Clarkson


there are a lot more, but you get the idea!! I tend to go for the faster paced, upbeat tempo ones

When you feel like crap, blare it on the speakers and dance around the house, sing out loud while driving...

it's good for the soul.

[Soxfan2008]

Oh, and then change H's ring tone to one of the songs.

(H's is King of Anything)

Puts a smile on my face every time he calls, and I can sound chipper instead dread when answering.

[finding nemo]

Thanks for the music suggestions, Sox. I'm definitely going to change his ringtone (not that he ever calls). I'm searching for a really good song at this point. (Cheater Cheater is topping the list at this moment.) And I think you're right about blaring some music around the house, too. Will be doing that from now on. I forget that music is definitely a mood elevator.

HIW - I really am planning on going to the gym on Tuesday after I get the kids off to school. Just not sure if I'm supposed to look super cute or not. lol

BF - I think how he's behaving towards the kids is the worst part of this sitch. It just makes me so angry that he thinks that his make-believe word is more important than our children. I so look forward to the day when he either wakes up from his MLC fog (if that's even what it is) or Kharma gets him.

We saw "Mirror Mirror" last night. The kids and I enjoyed it. I had hoped it would be a bit better, but it was entertaining and we all had fun.

Thanks Adinva, I'm most definitely struggling today. Is there a point where this gets any easier? Today I noticed (and now I wished I hadn't said anything) that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He said that he hadn't been wearing it for awhile now. I thought I saw it last weekend, but have purposefully not looked for it knowing that it would cause me pain. Why can't he just be upfront with me instead of the constant flood of lies, half-truths, and keeping the truth from me?!

Hoping to get a decent night's sleep and wake up with a new perspective in the morning.

Thanks so much to everyone for your words of encouragement, there are so very appreciated especially on a day like today.

[adinva]

Hi - you asked if there's a point where this gets easier. For me, yes. You can't rush it, you just have to really open yourself to your new reality and live in the moment. For me it got easier when I realized what I could DO, because I needed to DO something, and what I could NOT do. I could:
- accept that my situation was what it was, the truth was out, and it had been what it was before, when I was kidding myself that my miserable marriage was tolerable, when I was denying the fact that we weren't happy together. Nothing about my sitch changed the day the bomb dropped, really, except that I knew what I was dealing with now. I knew the truth and wasn't in the dark anymore.
- accept the big picture of my sitch and stop agonizing over each detail of it. My H does not want to be married to me anymore, that's the big picture. Within that I could get upset about whether there's an OW, where his ring is, why he acted like a jerk on a particular day, ad infinitum. Or I could accept that those are all part of the bigger problem that H doesn't want to be married to me.
- realized I can't make him do or feel anything. I can't rationalize this, I can't argue it, I can't manipulate it or make it end quicker (unless I want a D quicker). He feels what he feels, and has a right to feel it as crazy as that seems to you. Let go of your outrage over what he does and feels and do your very best to make the best out of what you're handed each day.
- most important, I felt better when I had a mission. I took this crappy opportunity to look within with a very critical eye and find out how I contributed to this, and why, and how I could become better from it. I learned about passive aggressiveness, I learned I bury my needs so deep that I don't even know I have them, I learned why I purposely seemed to instigate arguments with him, lots of things I don't think are attractive and good qualities, and I'm working on them with an IC and really feeling good about that. My motivation to improve myself ebbs and flows but when I'm working on that I feel my most powerful and optimistic.
- I felt better when I saw my sitch in perspective with so many others here. I knew better what to expect and how to handle it. The freight train is on...it sux but there it is. Or, like you told your kids, the tidal wave is here and you're choosing to swim.

BTW I think that was a really great way to explain it to your kids. My H and I have been hiding the sitch from our kids and I expect we will continue to until the year-long separation requirement in our state is over. When H decides his next step, if it's to move out we'll have to explain it to the kids.

You sound like you're very grounded and are doing right by your kids. It will probably help if you stop bean counting your H's actions because that is keeping you feeling bad. Accept that you don't know everything and keep your focus solidly on yourself, doing the best with what you're handed. It's not fair. What I tell myself is that for whatever reason, I got a plateful of crap but I'm strong enough to deal with it and my H currently isn't. So I'm dealing with it and not worrying about whether it's fair.

If you celebrate Easter, Happy Easter! I hope the day gives you some comfort.