Ctflor, Yes it makes sense what you posted about your own stages/experiences. We do go through the grieving process just as if someone had passed away. In fact, someone did, our relationship of old.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not sure if these have been touched on, but could be added to the MLC for dummies book, under the advanced and black belt sections:
Use of the double bind
Make sure to use the double bind when you feel that the LBS is getting the upper hand with functional logic.
Say things like: You always have to be right and You only do things when it is convenient for you
These logic bombs are no-win for the LBS as any attempt to speak to these items ensures failure.
Crazy making by encouraging mind reading
One of the best ways to stop the LBS in their tracks is to encourage them to mind read.
One of the phrases to use initially, to start the LBS on the mind reading cycle is to state:
If only you had paid attention, you would have known there was a problem.
This gem is like a train wreck. It stops the LBS dead in their tracks as they start to think back on the marriage, sorting through all sorts of conversations and events to see where they may have missed cues that you were unhappy.
The added benefit is, this opens them up to continue to mind read because they don't want to miss any NEW cues as to why you may be behaving or saying things to them now and what those things might mean.
This simple but effective tool can keep the LBS stuck for months, if not years. The longer the LBS attempts to mind read, the longer it is before they start to work on themselves and begin to think that your behaviours aren't appropriate. How wrong they are, of course.
Cycling: Protecting your investment and freedom
While you are out enjoying yourself and living like it's the last day of your life, be sure to understand that if you aren't careful, your LBS may bail and all that free money and fun times can come to a horrible end.
Be careful to monitor your LBS for signs of fatigue or a sense of well being brought on by the accomplishments of becoming a better person.
Either prior to or just as they announce they are ready to get on with their life without you, it is imperative that you act swiftly and precisely with this move.
Beg, plead, and use any means necessary to suggest that you are remorseful and realize that you have messed up and want to reconcile your relationship and marriage. If you had moved out (or were cruelly kicked out) then offer to move back. Or even better and for added excitement, just move back, unannounced.
If you are ahead of the curve, this will be a no brainer that will suck the LBS back in like a rubber band.
If you do not catch this quite on time, it may take some extra work to convince your spouse.
In fact, if necessary, crumble on the floor, get on your knees, sobbing and what ever it takes to gain the pity of the LBS. This may even require a bit of marriage counselling and false but convincing attempts to work on the relationship.
And yes, suck it up, prince(ss). This might even require saying such horrible and incorrect lies such as, "I'm sorry." or "I never meant to hurt you." Ick, yes that leaves a bad taste, even just thinking about having to say those words. So be sure to catch this before you have to.
Just be sure to only do as much as necessary, but no more, to get the LBS back to a place where they feel like the marriage can be saved. This takes them back to the beginning and being hopeful and you can get out and enjoy yourself again.
