I swore I wouldn't come back because it built up anxiety for me, but something happened yesterday and I don't know where else to turn.

My cousin called me saying she knew something about OW and if I wanted to know. I immediately said NO! But I couldn't shake it off.

I called H and said, if there's something I need to know, tell me now because my cousin will eventually blurt it out even if I said no. He said, he didn't know. (Mind you, he never talks about OW with me and leads me to believe there isn't anything going on, unless I ask him-which I haven't!)

I was driving with my daughter in the car and I had to pull over. My knees felt weak. Once I got strength I drove home (a couple min away). I got home and took benadryl and slept for a few hours. H watched the kids.

Turns out (my cousin blurted it out when she saw how I was getting), OWs car window had been broken and they thought I did it. <No I didn't>

After my nap, H and I were able to talk more calmly. He said that his focus has been on the kids and nothing else (I really don't know how much of this to believe, however he is over our house A LOT!

I told him that I am also doing the same. I no longer focus on him and I but on the kids and being a better mom. However this really threw me off.

I told him I have learned to eliminate things that cause me a lot of anxiety (snooping, talking about us to others), but people will throw in "what if's" all the time.

what if - he's moving in with her to the apt
what if - she's going to his friend's wedding and that's why you're not invited
what if - she gets pregnant
what if - he's already introduced her to his friends and/or family

So when my cousin said she knew something, I immediately assume it's a "what if".

I realized I hadn't eaten much yesterday because when I got up to change diapers at 3am I was really light headed. H took both kids with him this morning to the gym. I hate feeling this way, helpless and dependent! All in all, I hate him for putting me through this!

M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017