May, 25 has way more to offer on the big picture and good suggestions, but I focused in on one little detail where I thought I could add my input. The thoughts of smoking and drinking are among the things I also want to do, and I've noticed I want to be self-destructive at those times. I quit a smoking habit over 20 years ago and haven't touched a cigarette since, but recently in this painful year I've thought about wanting to smoke. I never drank anything at home before, but now am buying wine once a week and limiting myself to a small amount each night, though sometimes I feel like drinking myself to oblivion. I have other coping mechanisms that I think are mildly self-destructive too.
So when you said that you had those thoughts, with surprise, I thought rather than trying to get freedom that H has or rebel, you might just be wanting to do something destructive or bad to yourself.
I'm so worried for you and I hope that you seek out more help than you're getting. Medication for you may be more important than nursing for your baby right now. 25 is absolutely right that taking care of yourself IS taking care of her. Do the simple things that help, that 25 said. Do things to comfort yourself and get help with the anger.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
