Oh I feel for you... I remember when I got served with my papers! At least I got them mailed to me and found them in the mailbox on the way to work.
I wasn't suprised but shocked. I ended up emailing my H when I got the divorce papers because he had the kids with him at the time. It was then I got the explanation as to why he didn't tell me he filed when he did. His email indicated to me ( and I've read it at least 10 times or more) that he made this decision when in the throws of extreme emotion. And as far as he was concerned there was no point in turning back, and he hoped that this would make him happy.
After educating myself so well, I now know he was in the midst of MLC spew when doing this. I also have a strong gut instinct his OW and even his cousin were pumping him up to do it too, but have no solid proof.
Your sitch and H really seems similar to mine. I was a SAHM for 10 years, but did have to go back to work almost 3 years ago due to H losing is good job. It really is tough having to go back to work. For me it was watching my kids be upset I wasn't home all the time and the transition not being easy for them that was the hardest. Also me having to let go of the fantasy that I could still be a SAHM after the kids were in school full time so I could have time for ME..and get my house back into order.
Oh ya, the house in disarray...been there, still doing that, every day! Don't beat yourself up. Get into your new groove, for as long as it takes. For me I have to clean house on weekends. I am so busy, and then so tired from work, I do what needs to be done, or not, and just take it one day at a time.
In regards to how you feel about your relationship with your husband, well every emotion and question you're having is exactly what I've felt!! I for one was relieved to see someone else post it! Now I don't feel so ...odd.
Missing the "friend" in your husband, and wanting to come home and tell him about your day...but now you can't. Pretty lonesome isn't it?
The money being controlled by him.... yes Im still dealing with that too. I hate having to constantly remind him he needs to pay me...but when the divorce is final that will be a relief. He will pay through the state and if he is late with them, then they can haggle with him, not me.
The deep connection you feel with him and wondering how on earth will you ever even want to connect with another man? Or would you ever have that with another man?
You know I think what is the hardest for us LBS and even SAHM's, is think of how our identity has been built up around our marriages, family unit, and how we've managed it all? This was our life for many, many years. I don't know about you, but for me I wouldn't have traded my SAHM years for anything in the world. Infact I would've been content to stay that way till my kids were grown and on to college.
I ran into an old mutual friend a couple months back at the grocery store. She and her boyfriend were so sad to hear that H and I split...as many other people have been too. She said something to me that really rings a bell with me. She said:
"We all grow in different ways in our lives. But sometimes, unfortuneatly...we just don't grow together".
Now at first I resented that comment, but I now understand why I did. See, this MLC crap and choices my H has made does NOT represent growth to me. But see this is because Im taking it at extreme face value here and not digging as near as deep as this will run for him eventually, and of course myself. I was not seeing the bigger picture.
For me, I feel that the biggest growth comes from making the conscious choice to dig yourself out of life's relentless chaos. Some or alot of this chaos is created by ourselves. Perhaps the MLcer is creating a huge scenario of chaos for them to learn many lessons.
To us we can't even fathom what they've done, or their thought patterns. It makes no sense, and is completely irrational. WE never would go about issues in the marriage this way. We can't imagine ever being so hurtful and deceitful to another person. WE have empathy.
Being and LBS is a journey in itself, and as painful it is, the most complete head on course in life we could ever take. We make the choice to roll our sleeves up and do the work that needs to be done. We keep at it. Day after day.
The MLCer, well it looks like they're off in tra la la boom dee ay land. And they are temporarily because many of the things they do are just bandaids or distractions from what's really lying beneath and grinding on them from deep inside. They just dont' know it. But eventually, depending on how good they are at running, it will catch up to them.
Now imagine what it's going to feel like when they come to grips and realization of the pain they caused during this? And it all in vain?
