You're right, Ken. I am losing control. I'm not about to deny that. I literally feel like I'm on the brink of a major meltdown. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an alternate reality. This week while H has been gone the laundry has piled up, I've done no dishes, but I haven't really needed to do dishes because all I've consumed is Diet Coke, tortillas and Reese's Pieces. I think I washed my hair once. I keep my D safe, but I've rarely interacted with her. Even my staff have commented on how eerily quiet I've been this week.
So, yes, I'm aware of the true issue at hand.
I don't know what I want. I want to feel safe. I want to not question EVERY SINGLE BEHAVIOR. I've even gone so far as to think that the only reason H wanted to move was to get the house out of our names into an apartment which is easier to dump me from.
He did almost all the laundry for me before he left (put it away too, which is really rare). While I thanked him for it, all I could think was "he just did so much laundry so I won't notice he's packing more than usual. He probably will pack not only work clothes, but a bunch of going out attire as well... or enough to last him longer than his week that he told me and something will 'come up' requiring him to stay longer".
I am paranoid as f*ck.
I want to drink and smoke cigarettes (don't ask me why... I've never smoked ANYTHING in my life!). I want to drop off the baby with my parents and drive to my Godparents house in Colorado and be isolated for a month in the woods.
I want OW to drive off a f*cking cliff. She might lose her job in the next two weeks (there have been major layoffs at H's job), but at this point in time, it's still not enough.
I want my sanity back. I want my sleep back. I want my peace of mind back. I want my memory back.
I don't want to deal with this bullsh!t anymore.
I know exactly where this fear comes from. My father had an affair. My husband comes from a family of psychopathic liars. I am terrified that I will never know the truth, I will always be f*cked over, I will always have to watch my back, and I will never be safe.
Mix in the very real fact that H has a top secret job and I literally cannot know a lot of what happens, and I'm kind of screwed. Unless I just put on a happy face, "let go and let God" or whatever you want to call it, and dial up my antidepressants.
I knew my anger would be the thing that would be hard to deal with. Not because I experience residual anger over lots of things, but because my best friend (who was in a relationship for a long time with a chronic cheater) warned me. She said, "you think that if they just stop the cheating then you can forgive and be happy again. But it's the anger that will get you. You will be so angry."
And that's why I got my own place, despite the fact that he tried to stop me (notice he didn't ASK me to come home, just asked me NOT to get the apt). I knew I was too angry. I thought it was over.
And then I found those f*cking emails/chats. I feel like I'm back at square one. At least this time he wants to stay married, but I feel like I could kill him. The first time this happened, I wanted to kill only myself.
I have a very heavy month of work ahead, as well as some heavy editing to my thesis. I've thought of putting D to bed like I do every night, and then excusing myself to the library down the street until it closes. It will trap him at the apartment and yet I can be away from him. I don't trust myself to be in the same room with him and not lash out.
And yes, I specifically used the word trap. I feel like I have to. That's where I'm at.
I'm at a loss of what to do.
I know at this time I sound crazy, unappreciative, childish, and illogical. But I genuinely thank you all for sticking by my side. You guys, and 4 other people, are the only ones I've told about this recent episode. And I haven't told those other people how much I'm struggling with it (aside from my IC). You are all I've got. Thank you for trying to take care of me. Because at this point, I feel very incapable of taking care of me, much less my M.
