Ok I read through your thread, some things stood out to me.
First off the lack of sex, boy do I know that one well. Like Sandi said earlier if you don't have a woman's respect then she won't want sex with you it's that simple.
This means she wants a strong man she can be safe around.
So I got some questions for you:
Ever feel like everything you do is wrong?
Do you feel like you always have to walk on eggshells around her?
Do you have to apologize for absolutely everything.
When you do apologize do you feel that you have to do it profusely (you mentioned earlier that you did for something, is this pretty common?)
How often do you have this conversation:
"what do you want for dinner?"
"whatever you want honey"
"no what do you want"
Etc etc....
Or how about this convo
Do you want Mexican for dinner?
No
Italian?
No
Chinese?
No
Then what do you want?
Whatever you want honey!
Ok I want Chinese
No I don't want Chinese!
How often do these types of arguments end in fights?
Are you in shape?
Can you pick her up and carry her across the house? do you?
Ok these questions may seem off the wall, but they all have one thing in common. They measure your "manliness", or lack thereof. They also are day to day things that measure how much of a push over you are.
Let me give you an example:
When things were at their worst my wife could talk me out of my favorite dish at a restaurant. In essence she used to pick my dinner and I let her because I was so week. In some weird, sad, fashion I thought I was pleasing her. Yet somehow we would always end up fighting by the end of dinner.
It was a silly subconcious game we were playing with each other, but all she wanted was for me to stand up for myself.
Women don't want men who can't stand up for themselves.
I agree with all of those points and really kick myself now for any time that I would walk on eggshells or act weak, unable or unwilling to stand up for myself. I want to work on this marriage but we are now separated. How does one be "alpha" when one is separated and wants the marriage to get back together? Seems like a challenge.
Separations are hard, so it's best to keep oneself occupied.
Personally I did small projects around the house, cleaned up took up hobbies, hanged out with friends, but most importantly let W contact me. During this time your W does not want you to chase after her groveling. So don't.
Think of it as your chance to reclaim your manhood. Do those things you always wanted to do. Eventually when you do have contact you will be much more confident and she'll tell something is up.
Besides which is better:
"What have you been up to?"
"Crying and missing you...."
Or
"what have you been up to?"
"went skydiving"
"what?!"
Also use Facebook as your propaganda tool, post pictures of your new adventures, be more social and such.
Most importantly when she comes to you stand up for yourself. Don't be a jerk or argue, just stand up for yourself.
If you have mutual friends, be alpha in front of them, word will get to her. (as in charming, confident, and funny)
It's been well over a week since I last updated but I wanted to let you know what's going on.
Greenblue: thanks for the good advice. I am getting the "Primer" book that was promoted on marriedmansexlife.com - I am looking forward to reading.
My WAW and I had dinner last week prior to a scheduled vacation I took (alone) with my family. We had a great dinner and a nice time and following dinner, things started getting physical. After kissing me, my W (who had been very forward the entire evening) said something that really bothered me: "I don't know... you're so attractive and I love being with you, but I just don't feel "it" right now." We carried on some conversation and I slept over at her place since I had a few drinks. Regardless, we slept together. I have absolutely no idea how all this came together, but that's what we did.
The following evening, my W was on my side of town for a friend's daughter's birthday party and I invited her over for a bite to eat. She slept over that night and even drove me to the airport to catch my flight the next morning.
During my trip, we sent frequent text messages. I tried to keep things light and playful. She mentioned on numerous occasions that she really missed me. Even called me "sweetheart" in a few of the messages. I'm back in town now and really don't know where to go from here.
I feel like I've neglected the 180s I should have been consistently doing. I feel like I gave into the temptation to be with my W. But we are married and this IS what I want. But I want to be wanted, respected. sought after. I just really want to remain on a path towards true reconciliation. My W said more than a few times how great it was to be talking and thinking of me. I think she is showing interest because I'm not always there, but I'm really confused as to why she lacks attraction. Well, if I honestly think about it, I'm not really confused at all. I'm so available to her. Anyhow, where do I go from here? As I wrote, I really feel horrible if I've neglected the 180 work I was putting in. I know this might be really screwed up, but I'm just confused and trying to play it out the right way, with the goal being our mutual work towards making our marriage work again. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Kaffe Diem: I am still seeing our MC on my own (who is very pro-M). W is seeing an IC. I want to get us BOTH back into our MC, but I want her to verbalize this desire. Do I wait for her to bring up going back to the MC, or do I bring up the issue? We've been separated almost 6 weeks. My W has said she doesn't think we're done and she hints at a desire to work at this. I agree, I need to back off a bit.
Sandi - please be honest. I know you don't think this smells right. This is just incredibly confusing to me right now.
After kissing me, my W (who had been very forward the entire evening) said something that really bothered me: "I don't know... you're so attractive and I love being with you, but I just don't feel "it" right now."
She is not ready! She does not desire you. She may be seeing if she can still affect you, or manipulate you, but she doesn't want you sexually.
You already have your brain wheels spinning about getting the M back on track again, and you know what? In less than three weeks, she'll be out of the house again. She's not ready. You're way to easy for her to have whenever she wants you.
She's doing the same as she's always done.....which is calling the shots!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I wouldn't necessarily say she's leading you on... but she certainly is taking the opportunity to get her needs met, through you...
until she TELLS you (WITHOUT PROMPTING by you) that she wants to work on the M... that she wants to attend the MC sessions with you... that she wants to work on the M because either a) she would like to work on getting those feelings back, or b) she knows she wants to be M and will do what it takes to reconcile...
then as sandi points out... she is not ready... and she could just be testing to see if you are still there for her, in case her plan A doesn't work...
