Tips for the Spouse with the Higher Sex Drive

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25, Thanks for your comments. I hope you don't think I'm like your brother. I don't believe that I malign my wife for the point of hiding my own problems, nor do I believe that I'm a "bad lover". That last part is kind of funny because how would I know unless I compared myself to how other men perform? All I can tell you is that I had many girlfriends and several long term (3+ years) relationships before I got married, and sex was never an issue in any of them. Perhaps that's why this has been so hard -- my picture of how "easy and natural" a sex life can be was well-established. I know I'm a "good man", and a woman's satisfaction is important to me -- I'm willing to do what it takes. It is not nor has it ever been "all about me" in bed. That's how my W wants me to look at it, and that's not satisfying to me at all.

That whole story feeds into the "LD wife is the H's fault" philosophy. I guess it would be easy to embrace that if I had an HD wife and was on the outside looking in, but my position in this relationship has definitely given me a different perspective.

My MC, who I thought was very good, explained "sex drive" as being part of your sexuality. He said that an LD person cannot become HD any more than a straight person can will themselves to become gay. It's just not there, it's not a matter of dysfunction or poor performance.

He said if a person is LD, it is either a result of a treatable problem, or it is not. If you rule out medical and psychological problems, then all you have left is an innate low desire for sex, which he said is naturally occurring, like blue eyes.

For my W's part, she said that she has always been LD, for as long as she can remember. She said that she has never had sex with anyone because it was something she wanted to do for the sake of having sex, but instead would do it because it was necessary to maintain a relationship that she valued. She said on her own, she would probably masturbate about once a year, and she'd never come looking for sex for herself with anyone. Greenblue may think she's full of cr@p and either isn't being honest or hasn't had her world rocked yet by a Cassanova. I don't think that's the case. She had plenty of prior sexual relationships as well and in her words was no different in any of them. Maybe she only picks clumsy men?

I guess I have a question for some of the guys that have "tried it all"

Do you believe you may some day get the sex life you want? Or have you totally given up.

If you've given up then I can understand that.

If you haven't then what's your next step?

I do not believe that I will have the sex life I want with this woman. I have not totally given up on the sex life I want.

What's my next step? As I told you, I'm going to run the MAP. I read the book, I get it, I'm working on it. He said not to expect fast results. WRT sex rank, I'm overweight, but not in terrible shape. I'm very physically active and muscular. W is overweight as well, but probably less so. I'm 6 foot 228lbs. My high was about 240, and my goal is 200 (for now). I'm doing weightwatchers, and they recommend losing 1-2 pounds per week, so getting down to 200 will take a while!

Once I feel I'm in crazy good shape, I'll see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't I'll reassess again.

That said, sex is not the only issue in my marriage, nor is it the most important. The Captain said on another friend that the way to survive a sexless marriage is to expect "friendship without romance". I'm coming to believe that's what W really wants, that's where she's comfortable. I am not. I would like a relationship characterized by more intimacy, and not just physical. I am having sex, once or twice per week, and sometimes it's good. It's the intimacy that's missing.

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