We started marriage counseling & now he wants out

[Queen_of_Swords]

You did not cause his sense of alienation, although behaviors you may have had/have likely did contribute to it.

We all see the world through our own very set of dirty,tinted and scratched filters.
Your spouse is not you and you don't perceive things in the same way.

When we feel angry or hurt it generally comes from an inner sense of a loss of self worth. Someone took a slap at our self esteem, directly or indirectly.

It's generally triggered by a behavior, a word, a look, a gesture that harkens back to a ideation of ourselves as unworthy, bad, etcetera.

Some people call this "pushing our buttons".

You can do nothing about discovering or deactivating those buttons, unless your spouse tells you or shows you they're there. Then you can only try not to push them. Even then that's hard if there is something inherent about who you are that pushes them.

For instance: Let's say that leaving your underwear skid side up on the floor for you is a matter of forgetfulness, but to him, leaves him feeling disrespected and taken for granted. Would you then not make the effort to see this behavior is changed?

Your goal is to deactivate YOUR OWN buttons. Your goal is to modify and change specific behaviors that your spouse has pointed to as being particularly hurtful.

My spouse gave me a six page letter of all my perceived faults. Some of which WERE true flaws and others which were not flaws but character assets.

i.e. pigheaded to one person is persistence to another.

I am not the same person I was, although my marriage may not survive this break. I have become someone I am proud of, regardless of what my spouse thinks of me.