I got to buy a new car yesterday for W, picking it up tomorrow. It's odd doing this, this way. It's not "us" happily buying a new car together. It's me doing this knowing full well that that this is one step in the process of me setting her up for her own life, and me saying goodbye.
I'm also in a different phase of this sitch. I'm mourning the demise of our family, knowing a chapter in my life is truly done. So all the good memories are pouring in. For me, its a sad quiet saying goodbye, not the same feelings as when the bomb happened.
I truly cant stand to speak to her or be around her, and that is unfortunate because she's still in the house here and there. I have asked her to just text or email if we need to handle practical stuff. But, in her state she needs to talk and I'm the one she talks to. So I listen and listen again, and maybe offer a suggestion here and there hoping she can use something to help her climb out of her hole. The thing she doesn't get is that everything she is saying is from someone in a huge crisis, or something that I either morally don't agree with or its a philosophy that I can't stomach at all. I just keep getting quieter and quieter and if by phone she keeps asking if I'm still there. To get to whisper level with her is a struggle. I don't even take her calls anymore without letting them go to VM so I can see what she wants to talk about first.
I'm leading two lives, like Neo in The Matrix. One, is this life full of opportunity and I can, by being still and listening, feel it coming like a freight train. I totally unafraid of jumping this train and seeing where it goes. The other life is this ending chapter, and I hate it.
