Separation Helped So Far..

[anyhope]

Hi VC, yes I tried to fit fun in here and there.. We had amazing temperature the other week (+20) In Canada.. In March.. So people were out and about, I went to a few birthday parties on the weekends. Now he is there at all of these bday parties but I still have a good time. And the other mutual friend I visit every now and then is great, that's the guy whom h introduced ow to and he always kept me up to date. The issue I have with him is that we'd have a few drinks and he'd ask about H and how its all going, how I should forgive him and blah blah blah, sometimes (last time this happened) I felt like just snapping at him to let it be..

He had a party at his house the day before I wrote my last exam, also amazing day the day before and he invited me, I said I can't go because I have an exam the next day, so I'm busy. He also invited H who also called me to see if I want to go, so I told him too that I cant... Well days later I hear that h ended up going with ow.. Not that I was considering reconciling as I've said, but these are major setbacks.. I'm not sure if h knows I know, but he knows that I'm good friends with this guy and he tells me everything, so he's not majorly concerned about how I might feel about him hanging with her even tho he told my friend they are just friends.. Please, he's been telling me pretty much throughout the whole mess that she is 'just a friend' so... You know. I spoke to another friend about this and he said that by the sounds of it h doesn't really try hard at all to get me back and he is right. Sad, but true, he tries nothing, puts in no effort whatsoever.

I got him that book for Christmas, clearly I got it because I wanted him to read it, it was in the back of his car for weeks, I wonder if he just went ahead and threw it out.. I'd bet any money he didnt read it nor has any intentions to.

And yes last time he called i told him those things, how I felt unappreciated but I wonder if it comes off as whining.. Anyways he said he's a changed man.. and I thought to myself, sure you are.. The thing is he's turning 41 this year, I've been with him for 10 years I know him, I think a lot of times I know him better than he knows himself and I think if he treated me a certain way, acted a certain way for years he will most likely not change at this point in his life especially not easily. And some might ask why was I with him for so long if he was so terrible.. But you know how it is when you first meet someone, have a good time, things seem right or even if some things are not right they may be overshadowed by fun times, not to mention that the expectations of an 18 year old girl are not the same as my expectations today. And has told me how much fun I was back then and easy going.. so I told him that sure I was, I was 18, but people grow and change and have different expectations.. Well anyhow... not easy, and I guess you're right about it being still new but in all honesty so much has happened since then to me it feels like it was LONG ago when he dropped the bomb.

[anyhope]

Interesting update! H is considering renting a house that has a basement apartment. Planning on renting with ow's friend with whom ow just moved in.. In other words... He is looking to move in with ow. Same house, different floor, but still.. (and he didn't say ow would move there too) he was looking for someone to share the house with and mentioned this girl.. I just happened to make it out from what he said that it's the friend ow is living with.. (and yesterday he also asked me to move with him). I said I wasn't interested in getting a roommate. He said we wouldn't be roommates, im his wife.

[anyhope]

Well, looks like they won't move in together after all, but only because dogs are not allowed at that house and that ow's friend has a dog.
H ended up calling me yesterday asking if he could watch the end of the game here, I said no.. Then called again this morning asking if I'll be home. I said I won't be, then he called again just now asking if I'm really not home because he wants to come over and cook something (he is staying w a friend for a month, they have a separate entrance basement where they said he could stay till he finds a place to live, there is no cable down there nor a kitchen so now he's using these as excuses to be around) he came over the other day, for I forgot what purpose, oh he had something mailed here and picked it up, hung around for like 2 hours.. I was ok with the first hour just because dr Phil was on so I watched that.. (even he paid attention tho he doesn't like the show) and just sat around, fooled around on the computer. I'm now still studying for my final exam which I failed a few weeks ago so having him killing time here is not something I prefer. So after dr Phil I saw he wasn't gettig ready to leave so I asked him to make himself useful and walk the dog. He did. He left shortly after, but regardless I found he was here for too long. And now when he wanted to come over to cook I said no, and I said I don't want him here day after day cooking and hanging around. He said it was just temporary and I said he can temporarily hang and cook at ow's house.. He hang up on me. Maybe I shouldnt keep saying to go to her, but it's just on my mind when he wants to be with me, I can't help it..

[kml]

Honey - you are doing the right thing here, he has NOT shown you the ACTIONS of a guy who sincerely wanted to make things right. (Not to mention, he's 41 years old and doesn't make enough money to get a cheap apartment of his own? What is up with that?)

Have you ever read the book, The Sociopath Next Door? I wonder if you would recognize him in it.

You deserve better, don't get sucked back into his craziness.

[anyhope]

Hi kml, no, I'm not familiar with the book but I agree a man of that age shouldn't have issues like that, tho I know how his work is, pretty much stops for the winter but it's been the same every year yet he hasn't learned to save for those months to not be in that situation..
The main concer is that he has not shown the actions.. I don't think he really understands what it was (is) like to go through that pain because if he did he'd be trying a lot harder.. I am not settling..

[kml]

Check out the book - it was a best seller, readily available in paperback or at your library. I just have this feeling you are going to read it and recognize your H. It might explain a lot.

[anyhope]

Honestly, Ive been having some issues with that course I'm taking and if there is anything I read right now it will be my text book. I really prefer to not even think of him but sometimes its not easy. Like lately he is pushing the idea of moving here.. I'm firm on saying no and we even had a fight about it the other day. I feel bad because he always helps me with things a man would do.. Like I got blinds the other day.. I don't own a power drill and even if I did I dont know how to use it.. So who do I call? Him. He comes by (without any tools) and says for the 50th time that he should move here. So I lose it, tell him there is no way in hell, so he gets upset and leaves. I suggested we shouldnt talk at all if he doesnt understand why I dont want to live with him, but now I feel sorry for him (of course) I was thinking to let him stay here to sleep (go anywhere he wants during the day) Not sure how good an idea it would be, I'll see how things progress for him. I just know I dont want him hanging around during the day nor staying longer than 2 weeks. What to do? Feels like he's family regardless of what he's done...

[kml]

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Don't let him sleep there!

He has friends, family, OW - do NOT rescue him from the consequences of his actions! Let him sleep on someone else's couch.


I bet every single one of YOUR friends and family members would tell you the same thing.

Stop being such a pushover. If he was worth you taking him back, he'd be behaving very, very differently than he is. Don't call him for help - you must know other people who can help you. You really need to stop contact for a while so you can focus on putting your life together without being distracted by his nonsense.

[anyhope]

:-))) That was expected.. And honestly I didnt ask any family or friends because they would ALL say the opposite. Even my own family would like us back together and thank God he figured it out. He doesnt have any family, has lots of friends tho, so I was firm when talking to him, even suggested a few times he goes to ow (as he said she was with him for months because she had nowhere to go, so I said now the tables have turned and maybe she could do you a favor.. He said he wants nothing to do with her) Well anyhow, so thats solved..

[kml]

Really? Your family would like you back together with a guy who talked to his mistress on the phone right in front of you constantly, belittled you while he was carrying on with her, continued to live with her for months while claiming to want you back, and now wants to live off of you because he can't manage his own money well enough to keep a roof over his head? Really??? WHAT kind of family would think he's a good choice for you?