Just Keep Swimming

[labug]

Thanks for your post LAbug. I've been thinking (and reflecting) about what you wrote. (I haven't been able to figure out how to just copy a section of a post, but eventually I know I'll be able to - sorry about that.)

I have a L, but no separation agreement. H is paying everything for the house & the kids, if I provide receipts (which is fair). Up until last night, I thought he was being more strict, but his position seems to have softened a bit, so I feel a little better about my immediate financial position. My L has instructed that if I am still standing for my marriage, as long as the finances are "fair" I shouldn't fight legally yet.

I don't know much about the legalities and what might be "fair" but this seems to take care of necessities but nothing for having a life. Is that how you feel? I don't think he should be paying for exotic vacations but it seems miserly.

H has truly not been a co-parent for a long while. H has distanced himself from the regular goings-on of life here and that is partly my fault.

How is that your fault?

However, that has been the easiest part of this process for me - I am no longer responsible for his relationships with his children, since I was "fired" as his wife and partner.

Good thinking because you aren't now and really never were responsible for those relationships. However we do like to guide and steer and smooth out, don't we?

Today I gave him news about S14 & D8, both of whom have been sick since he chose to leave. S14 has had his 4th sinus infection (only been off antibiotic for 2 weeks) & D8 can't kick a UTI (she's on her 3rd dose of antibiotic). D8 is now scheduled to see a pediatric surgeon since the pediatrician doesn't believe her UTI is viral based, but anatomical. E-mailed H and his response was "Geez sorry to hear bout the health stuff." REALLY?!!!

Nice. I'd keep the emails and a journal of his time with the kids.When he's supposed to have them how many hours he has them, etc. This will allow your attorney to see what's really happening.

Not sure what my course is going to be.

Do you want to be a strong, confident woman and mother? How does that look to you and how would you get there?

I know I want to continue to be a good parent (some days that's easier than others) and I want to do my best to engage each of my kids on their level every day.

Engaging with the kids is important, even if it's just for a few minutes of special time. Be happy to see them, even if you're tired or cranky or pissed. That someone is happy to see them is so important to kids and really, to anyone.

I'm trying hard to do 180's with my H by being less available to him and a bit mysterious along with doing my best to be nice (even when I don't feel like it). I am trying to detach, but it doesn't seem to be going smoothly - I feel a bit obsessed with this situation and how to fix it. As I see it, there are some easy fixes to be made and viola - a new, happy and loving relationship would emerge!

We're all obsessed in the beginning and many of us here are fixers. You can't fix this because you didn't break it. You might have contributed but you didn't do it single-handedly. Remember that! There are many things he could have done but chose not to.

Work on you, stop trying to fix anything, you have enough on your plate as it is. And you can only control you. Do something nice for yourself everyday.