Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

[2thepoint]

Later that night,I deleted w from my phone....

After a few days of feeling better, I went over to my friends house. I said "I think I'm ready."

One door closes...

and as I brought up the friends section my phone goes off. It was a text from a friend that I reconnected with....

We connected a few months ago because he heard that I had changed so much. That I had become super positive and was "glowing"...

So at 12:30a, the text says.

"I appreciate that your always good to me and how loyal you are"

...and another door opens

I don't know how long ago I brought FB up on the board, I don't know how many times... but it's been a long battle for me.

and it some ways stupid. It's just a social networking site. If me deleting w on FB sends her beyond the point of every turning back... than we shouldn't really be together anyway.

As sad and painful as this is, you are probably right. So, this was a brave move for you! Bravo!

So much stress and turmoil over it. Now I can post about anything or everything and not worry if she is looking.. or not looking.

Liberating, isn't it?

And although my journey with my w has come to an end... my growth hasn't.

I like this ^^^. A lot!!!

Now I get to DB my co-workers on this feature. Bring it on!!!

You go girl!!!

Val - thanks for sharing this with the boards. I hope you have a successful project. And I especially hope that you find true love and happiness again. I know you will!

[needgrace]

Hi Val,

You posted on my thread yesterday and your words rang so true for me that I wanted to read your thread. So many of your feelings sound similar to my own. I am so moved and so admire your strength with fb. I also appreciate your openness about the struggles in your heart and the questioning it can create.

I saw this quote today and it reminded me of your words in this thread and your willingness to sit with and understand your fears without acting out of the fear:

“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, "May I have permission to go into battle with you?" Fear said, "Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission." Then the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?" Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power." In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

I wish you, Val, much love and happiness.

[Valeska19]

Thanks 2 - That means alot to me.

@ Grace - Getting the strength is a process. When we set out to change ourselves.. we just don't immediately make the change. There are failures and success. There are moments of anger and happiness..

...in the end it's not about reaching our goal... it's about our journey to it.


Journaling -

I touched base with my tax person and I was informed I do not have to file married with my w. I can file for myself and avoid the headache.

I'm so relieved. I'm not sure what this process is.. but the stress continues to come off my shoulders. My mind thinks less and less about my w and more and more about my new life and all the great things about it.


I have gotten back most of my appetite and no longer have chunks of hair in my hands in the shower. I will take these both as positive signs.

While on the phone with my tax person, I thought to myself that I should let w know that I will be filing separately. After all I did tell her that I would let her know once I got all my info...

However that conversation was based off different info.

It's better for me to remain dark. It's been so nice to not have her consume my thoughts. I want to wait until all the checks are final and only see her once... although preferably not at all.

The distance is necessary for me to heal.

So I go back to the same ole dilemma.

Do I be considerate of her or do I chose myself?

[2chiquitos]

If distance helps you keep your serenity, then it's the best thing you can do for yourself. Continue eating well and exercising. It will help!

Thinking of you!

[JustStunned]

^^^^^ I agree and will add I needed to attain a degree of healing/serenity before I could be considerate. It is cyclic, nothing wrong with that as it is meant to be cyclic.

You’re strong Val. You’ll know when you are ready, and if it has to happen before, well you are strong enough for that too.

We generally doubt ourselves the most. That is what the confidence course is all about.
((((Val))))

[Autumn Leaves]

When we set out to change ourselves.. we just don't immediately make the change. There are failures and success. There are moments of anger and happiness..

...in the end it's not about reaching our goal... it's about our journey to it.

^^^ I love this!

Do I be considerate of her or do I chose myself?

Just my opinion but I feel you choose yourself, you are doing well. I could be off base though, but I don't know that you need to say anything to her about this.

[Rick1963]

"Do I be considerate of her or do I chose myself?"

(((Val))) You always chose you 1st during something like this. You continue to struggle in dealing with her. Be yourself and tell her W I can file separetly. And if calling is stressful email her the info.

Ps do you owe this year?

[Valeska19]

Yes I will owe this year.

We aren't legally married in Cali so I still file single for federal and can do the same for state.

I understand what you are saying Rick but the thing is that I'm not sure I can be myself around her.. not yet.

Actions are the same but the motives are different.

I'm sure one day I will be able to be myself and trust my actions around my wife.. someday

I do want to be true to myself... but I also really want to keep the changes going.

I really want to keep healing.

I don't know what the future holds.. but right now it's being dark.

So if I can't get in trouble legally... why tell her? She's a grown up. This would just be another instance of her not looking into things.

It would be another instance of me bailing her out....

... at least in my mind.

and I'm over that.

[Rick1963]

Do u remember how many times u chewed me out for been afraid? I do and I will always thank you for each and everyone one of those bites. Time for You to stop the fear.

You can be yourself any time you wish. It is up to you not her. She does not control you. You do.....

You have come a long way my friend time for the next leap.

[Valeska19]

I guess Rick.

Just from my perspective.. it feels like backsliding vs. growth.