Just Keep Swimming

[finding nemo]

Thanks for your post LAbug. I've been thinking (and reflecting) about what you wrote. (I haven't been able to figure out how to just copy a section of a post, but eventually I know I'll be able to - sorry about that.)

I have a L, but no separation agreement. H is paying everything for the house & the kids, if I provide receipts (which is fair). Up until last night, I thought he was being more strict, but his position seems to have softened a bit, so I feel a little better about my immediate financial position. My L has instructed that if I am still standing for my marriage, as long as the finances are "fair" I shouldn't fight legally yet.

H has truly not been a co-parent for a long while. H has distanced himself from the regular goings-on of life here and that is partly my fault. However, that has been the easiest part of this process for me - I am no longer responsible for his relationships with his children, since I was "fired" as his wife and partner. Today I gave him news about S14 & D8, both of whom have been sick since he chose to leave. S14 has had his 4th sinus infection (only been off antibiotic for 2 weeks) & D8 can't kick a UTI (she's on her 3rd dose of antibiotic). D8 is now scheduled to see a pediatric surgeon since the pediatrician doesn't believe her UTI is viral based, but anatomical. E-mailed H and his response was "Geez sorry to hear bout the health stuff." REALLY?!!!

H is just too busy (so he says) for visiting the kids. H has taken the kids 1 night and has called them 1 time (I timed it, 5 minutes total to speak with all 3 kids and then quizzed them about what Mommy was doing). There has only been one weekend where I said the kids had plans and the one time he took them overnight, I asked him to show up a little later because my dad had come over for dinner. It makes it hard on my kids because they know he's not doing what he's promised to them. How do I get H to understand that he's hurting my kids when I've already told him in many different ways? H just doesn't seem to care about any of his repercussions.

The worst part about the kids, and I'm sure all LBS's have to deal with this in some way with their kids, the kids don't want to show my H their true feelings. The first lesson they learned from this experience is that if things are difficult or not perfect, daddy leaves. So, they act absolutely perfect and try to be as happy as they can so he'll stick around. My D8 can't take the pressure, she's been having awful nightmares and extremem temper tantrums (totally unlike her). D10 cries all the time. S14's grades are dropping drastically. (Not to mention their failing health.)

Not sure what my course is going to be.

I know I want to continue to be a good parent (some days that's easier than others) and I want to do my best to engage each of my kids on their level every day.

I'm trying hard to do 180's with my H by being less available to him and a bit mysterious along with doing my best to be nice (even when I don't feel like it). I am trying to detach, but it doesn't seem to be going smoothly - I feel a bit obsessed with this situation and how to fix it. As I see it, there are some easy fixes to be made and viola - a new, happy and loving relationship would emerge!

Legally, I'm trying not to make any more sudden moves. (After a fight 2 weeks ago I charged $10K to our credit cards for my attorney's retainer. Which was the straw that broke the camel's back about the finances.) My L knows I do NOT want a divorce and has been guiding me well so far. I like my L, and do really trust him with my best interests (along with my kids).

OMG - this is super long! I hope I was able to address your questions. I think as time goes on, I will definitely learn more about myself and what I want. For now, I just want the man I married to return to me. This new rendition of H is just waaaaaaay too self-absorbed.

Thanks for your post and your insights!