I've been reading you since you started posting, but I think this is the first time I've ever posted to you.
I have been so impressed with your clarity, your ability to maintain your self-esteem during a very difficult time and your ability to be honest with yourself in terms of where your at, the things you are doing to cope and your realism about his attitude … it is pretty amazing for someone who is really in the very early stages of separation.
I've never admitted this on this board, indeed I've only admitted it to 2 people in the whole world, but a couple of years after my x and I separated, I entered a relationship with a man in circumstances very similar to what you describe about the relationship your H is in with OW.
He was a liar and a cheat – but I had no idea of that at the time. He was working and living in my city and only went home “to see his children” every second or third weekend. I was busy and constantly travelling, so I didn’t really notice any inconsistencies in his story. I bought his crap hook line and sinker. I was into him and I trusted him. He told me he and his wife were separated, but because he was away there was no point getting another house for himself in town and when he went in his ex stayed with friends and family and he stayed with the kids. I had no reason to disbelieve him ….
Turns out, his wife didn’t share his opinion that they were separated. As far as she was concerned, he was working away to make money to support his family and they were very much a couple.
Eventually she found a text or e-mail or something from me and rang me. She told me her side of the story. I’ve never been so embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated in my life and I immediately ended the relationship.
A year or so later, he called me and told me what happened after that (not sure why I took the call, but maybe so I can tell you this story – I’ve never taken another call from him since). Apparently, she begged him to stay, she flipped out and was threatening suicide. She collapsed really (I still feel shame thinking about it). But she kept hanging on to him. This man who had betrayed her, she clung to him like a limpet and he felt so guilty and concerned that he let her. Eventually his shame (and that’s my interpretation) and his inability to communicate his needs and desires meant that they did break up. I heard through the grapevine recently that she is still calling him and asking him to come home (it’s now 2 ˝ years later) … and he’s onto women number 3 or 4.
He was such a weak man, if she had have just played it straight, kicked his ar$e out and told him his behavior was unacceptable … he’d still be there – he was too immature and unselfaware to make any major changes to his life of his own accord – and lets face it, men who are unhappy in their marriages have some obligation to make their feelings known to their partner so they have some hope of figuring things out, BEFORE they start sleeping around.
You are doing the right thing and you are amazingly calm. Which is the absolutely perfect attitude whatever happens. If you reconcile, there won’t be all the history of drama and clinging and if you divorce, you’ll be able to co-parent appropriately.
I can almost guarantee you that OW knows very little about you or your circumstances. I can also almost guarantee you that if you or someone else told her the true story, she’d be horribly embarrassed and very hurt. She’d have no option but to end the relationship.
…. However, I don’t think you need to go there do you NBlost? You are one strong lady and you get it. This isn’t about you – it’s about him and he needs to travel this journey on his own, or he will never grow up.
You keep being amazing. ((y))
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
