Not sure where to start

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, Zig. You are right. Tuesday I was feeling pretty good about myself. I have wonderful friends and supportive family and this place and I was pretty confident that no matter what happens I will be okay and my kids will be okay. I am more worried about my kids than I am about myself, but as a friend pointed out, "you cannot place oxygen masks on your kids until yours is firmly in place".

I have made plans for the summer for road trips to visit relatives in Oklahoma and North Carolina. I have been wanting to do this for years, with H, but there has always been some reason not to go. Money, vacation time, business trips, soccer, baseball, etc. I have made a point that he is not stopping me from going this time hell or high water. Life is too short to hesitate and I need to just jump off the diving board already.

Unfortunately my H will not move out. He cannot afford to move out and pay the house payment and at least he is not making stupid financial moves so the kids have to suffer. And again, you are correct. It is SOOOOOO much better when he is not around. The last year he has been travelling a lot so I am used to being a single mom and doing everything myself. It is hard on the kids though, and I would rather put up with him than have the kids ask where is dad. Even when there are moments I cringe and bite my tongue.

And I know detaching works because some of the small things I have done send him into near panic mode. For example, if he calls and I don't answer right away, he will call and call and call until he is almost in stalker mode. When I do call back he is very "concerned" and tells me how he tried to call me several time. I just act relaxed and upbeat and tell him I had a crazy day at work and I just couldn't get a moment to call him back.

Another example is he has a tendency to fall asleep in his recliner at night. Usually I will wake him up so he can come to bed. Last night I let him stay in the recliner because I thought he is a big boy. I am not his mother. He was upset that I made him sleep in chair all night and now his back was sore. I told him he doesn't need to wake him up. He is a grown man. But he still played the pity card but I didn't buy into it at all.

I refuse to let him see me cry or upset. If he asks me what is wrong, I smile and say "not a thing" and then start humming. I save the tears for when no one is around.