sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. i remember when h moved out and when he got his own place - i could only see at the time that it was the worst thing in the world that could happen - to me it meant that it was the end.
if only i had known then what i have come to realize now - that it was the best thing for me. and i know your mind is saying no, no, no when you read that, but even i wouldn't have understood it at the time myself
when i was going through some of the mlc posts in the archives (and i'm sorry , right now i can't remember where i read this) i read about a woman telling how afterwards she realized that the best thing was that her h had moved out. living with them while they start this journey is HORRIBLE. BECAUSE THEY KEEP YOU IN IT 24/7
if he moves out you'll still be dealing with a lot - but at least you'll have breathing space between the "episodes"
now, 7 months later, after many 'attempts" on my part to maneuver h into moving back for son's sake, i finally realize that i DON"T want him in my home, unless he shows me that he truly truly wants to be here
you'll get there - and you'll find a tremendous amount of peace and freedom when you do - read as much as you can on these boards - what helped me a lot was to go find the stories of people who saved their marriages and read all their threads and saw the common developments and it's helped me to realize that it's a long long tumultuous process and the sooner i let go, the faster the process will go
ultimately whether you work it out with h or not, you HAVE to detach either way, so you may as well start right away. you're lucky you're here so early in your sitch - i didn't find this place for over 5 months
what has helped me the most to detach was to start turning the focus towards what and who i was and how i functioned, and taking the focus AWAY from what h was doing and how he functioned.
it's too easy to focus on the "bad" they are doing, because then we can avoid the real underlying issue of why it happened in the first place and how much we LBS's played a role in that
so give yourself a huge big mental hug (there's no one around to give you one for a good long while, so start taking care of yourself) and go GAL and start on your 180's
big hugs
zig
ps. you are NOT drowning - you are much stronger than you realize:)
while you're finding your feet again, just focus on restraining yourself - don't confront - don't argue, don't try to convince him - just keep reading the 37 rules for breakfast lunch and dinner!
and most of all FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT and act as if you're fine- if he sees you being pathetic and weepy it confirms further for him that he's right to leave - don't give him more fuel for his fire - he's going to be looking for it and pushing for it incessantly
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
