Hey farmer... good you've laid off the sauce... I got myself out of that cycle 25 years ago after back to back blower and then refusal. Realized I was following a bad path... That's all you'd need is to get yourself in trouble with the law, or otherwise harming yourself, because of it...
I was a little more... assertive... with one of my shoulders... I told her that I would not engage in any romance with her (because I do actually believe she was heading in that direction)... pissed her off and we don't speak much, now... but I am OK with that because it was a place I didn't want to go with her, and she was just getting M too and I believe she was having second thoughts... like I say, better that way...
But to finish on that thought, just so you know, my W accused ME of an A. Mind you, it could have been retaliatory language because of the... less then innocent situations I found my W with (in person and in pictures) a person I call OM1. But in the same token, I can see how she really could have perceived my own relationship with female friends as an emotional affair...
Some advice elsewhere will actually stress having a support group consisting ONLY of members of the same sex... but I'll tell you, and others here have indicated they've noticed the same... while not physical, that transferred connection from your spouse to the support group can often appear and feel the same as an EA, regardless of the sexual orientations...
Anyhow, just putting that out there...
And so that brings me to the "you may never know nor get an apology" thought...
A year and a half after finding my W in an extremely questionable situation with OM1, I am not entirely sure there was anything physical. Now you will find many here, and I certainly agree, say that cheaters lie and liers cheat... If the affair partner says they talked... they probably hugged... if they hugged, they probably kissed... if they kissed... well, you get the idea...
But again, regardless of that... Unless you KNOW... have real, solid proof like pictures... then you'll never really know. The pictures I have, especially given the context, but even otherwise... are not condemning, but certainly questionable behaviour for a married woman in my book, and the books of others who have seen them...
But... in the mind of my W, she really thinks that she did nothing wrong because a) they are all just friends, and b) she did not FEEL married... which really ends up being an academic discussion on the technicalities of vows and a legal document...
But it really is about HER truth, which was that in HER mind, we weren't M... so she was free to pursue what ever relationships she wanted with anyone... therefore, she has nothing to apologize for...
I really believe that is an important message for a betrayed partner to understand. WE feel M... technically we ARE M... but there is a reason why the affair partner emotionally left the M and then pursued an A... at least, generally speaking... because there ARE those who have an affair and know they are doing wrong... that's a very different can of worms that I don't think fits in your sitch...
It doesn't feel good to be betrayed. It will be up to you to decide whether you can forgive that...
But take it out of the context that you see it... as a betrayal of an M... Bring it into the context of a group of friends... school kids... all hanging together... your buddy knows you like that chick... and she knows you like her... and you've been on dates... but you know that, for a moment at least... she and he were kinda, sorta hangin'... does that mean you are no longer interested? That she's tainted in some way...? Do you really think they feel they've betrayed you?
Probably not from their perspective... but from yours? Sure... And then there's the lying... in this case its lying by way of withholding... hiding their relationship... would the friends YOU want in your life hide that kind of stuff with you? I mean your good buds, from school to now... would they hide that they are going to the next town to hang with the football team? Or that your best bud is going out with a girl... and you don't see him much...? You KNOW what is going on because friends SHARE that stuff... in this case... where do your rate these "friends"... would you really consider them friends...?
And that... is up to you on what your answer is... and how you deal with it and work through it... do you WANT those friends? Or are you willing to let them go from your tight circle?
