Hey mindfull, yeah... you know that saying about being alone in a crowd...
I don't like to talk bad about my W or be judgemental... I believe that she is doing the best she can... she's not aware of how her behaviours or our M break down is really affecting the kids... the lack of empathy that was discussed a while back in the MLC forum...
She's physically there with the kids... and they have moments of "girl time"... but I really don't think that when she's with the kids... that she's really WITH them... KWIM...?
I do get "limited" time with the kids, so perhaps it's easy for me to make the best of the time I have... but I just couldn't fathom sending the kids for sleepovers or getting a baby sitter or what ever, because I want adult time... I get my adult time when my kids aren't with me...
Anyhow, yeah... I can imagine how it must feel for kids who don't really get that parental connection that they need... well... I guess I really can, being an ACOA...
So yes, in your sitch Autumn, you may have few moments of needing to be flexible... just be aware of possible distancing behaviours...
And let me add for clarity... don't just look at your H... look to yourself that you don't begin to request more flexibility, at the cost of your R with your kids...
mmm... just to add for a bit of clarity, although I want this to be an example of abandoning the children under your care, while you are with them...
What I have found my W doing is asking to have the kids for specific weekends... when all her friends are getting together...
In her frame of mind, it is about the kids getting together with the friend's kids... that makes sense, doesn't it...? thing is, these kids are really friends with each other... they don't ask each other to their b-day parties or such... it just happens that it's a gathering of my W's friends (drinking buddies / support group)... but it's about the kids, right...?
So she asks for the kids, then takes them to a party or event and leaves them to their own devices... not quite the quality time that my kids tell me they are anticipating...
So yeah, there is a point where we need OUR time, but we should always be mindful that when we set time aside for quality time with the kids... it should be quality time WITH the kids...
anyhow, like I said... just food for thought, Autumn... be aware of this kind of stuff... act accordingly...
Wow there is some very good information and advice here, I really appreciate all of it. I do think I will need to set a plan. H is so all over the place right now that it will be important to have as much planned as possible, while remaining flexible for the kids sake.
I do think he will be involved. I don't have much concern there. But you just never know what the future holds, or none of us would be here
Last night was interesting, and I did the best I could to stay off the coaster.
H came home early and took the kids golfing to celebrate his bday. I went to dinner with a friend. At 7 I got a text from H saying "do we have dinner plans" Ha!! I replied "I thought you were doing something with the boys"
When I got home they were eating burger, H bbq'd for them
We spent the night apart, and the kids were out. At one point we found ourselves in the same room and I could tell he was feeling his drink. I was now facing angry H.
Earlier in the day some friends called to ask me why H's facebook page was private, you couldn't see posts from anyone but him (yet H can see them). It looked as if nobody had wished him a happy birthday. I wasn't planning to say anything to him about it. He came to my office after work and my coworker mentioned it. He looked like a cornered cat.
So when angry H came out last night, he was ranting about FB and he didn't change privacy settings. Then he said "you didn't even get me a birthday card, you really got me back. I knew you would do this"
He also said "nobody in your family wished me a happy birthday" I replied "i wouldn't know, I can't see your facebook page"
That was coincidence, my grandmother posted to him this morning and said "happy birthday, love you"
I woke up this morning feeling very strong. I am going to see my accountant to finalize taxes and plan to call the L when I get into the office later today. I want to see if she will work with me on some type of payment plan
Just got another text from H just now. He fixed the FB settings so his wall his available then he texted me "I also changed my password back, you have full access to my transparent miserable life. Have a blast"
Just got another text from H just now. He fixed the FB settings so his wall his available then he texted me "I also changed my password back, you have full access to my transparent miserable life. Have a blast"
I didn't respond
Good. Because there's
a) no question there; and
b) nothing that concerns the kids
Autumn, I continue to pray for you, as I do every day. This morning, I got a feeling in my spirit that "angry H" was, indeed going to show his face soon. I didn't know it had already happened, last nite, but remember I did tell you that he will cycle wildly. He may get especially nasty when you stand your ground and say no to ML next time.
Be strong. Pray for wisdom and DISCERNMENT; you will know when "sincere H" approaches you. This ain't it (yet).
Discernment is an absolute prayer. That is the hardest thing to have when it comes to those we know and love. Isn't it sad that we are better able to decipher the intentions of strangers than we are our own families.
Prayers for you Autumn. I think you are doing amazing!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Very true Rick, its been a wild ride for sure. Today it feels very good to be off that ride
Kaffe, you are correct, the alcohol definitely exacerbates his depression and it did carry over this morning. He spewed via text for a while and then changed to Mr Nice Guy when I had to tell him about tax meeting. He actually said "next year we will be in better shape due to your business" (shaking head)
In addition to the texts he sent a few emails to "prove his case" about hiding his profile on FB. I have ignored everything other than tax texts.
I feel strong, detached and mostly feeling happy. I am ok today Listening to music and catching up on some work. It's a good day!
Autumn, I continue to pray for you, as I do every day. This morning, I got a feeling in my spirit that "angry H" was, indeed going to show his face soon. I didn't know it had already happened, last nite, but remember I did tell you that he will cycle wildly. He may get especially nasty when you stand your ground and say no to ML next time.
Be strong. Pray for wisdom and DISCERNMENT; you will know when "sincere H" approaches you. This ain't it (yet). Starsky
Something feels very different in me and I am not feeling scared or intimidated by his tantrums, silent treatments and sulking. I was always so afraid of him leaving and now I want to hold the door for him. Call it growth, awakening, etc but it feels darn good.
Thank you for your prayers, I really do appreciate them!
