Well ... I'm back

[tpc1977]

Had a big talk with the wife a few days ago. It did make me feel better for the moment.

I've been fed up living like something is going on behind my back. I don't need to stay in a marriage where on one end it's open because I'm too much of a door mat to do anything about it. My wife and daughter were talking about the wife of my daughter's boss. Apparently she messed around on her husband and doesn't take her issues seriously. She flirts and jokes around about it.

For some reason when my wife and daughter were talking nothing really came up about how wrong she was for doing it, and it sounded more like a joke as well. Sort of, "Ha Ha ... Oh well." It kind of put off and after my daughter left I confronted my wife about it. Is infidelity of any kind a joke? Do you not see what kind of pain this puts on the spouse? Or how it corrupts trust and breaks down the structure of marriage?

She claimed that she was never really thinking about it like that during the conversation. Maybe not. Maybe I'm too weakened by it and it's a subject I don't toss around jokingly. Maybe I'm too paranoid and read it wrong.

But then I said something. It sort of just spilled out and I didn't fight it back. I told her that if there is still something going on, whether it was physical or even phone texting then F! you. I said it with authority. I told her that I didn't need to just hang around while she F's around until she makes up her mind. I need to get my crap and leave if that's the case. Tears started welling up and my voice started cracking. It was either from fear or anger or both - I don't know. A whirlwind of emotion surrounded me.

A while back she said one reason she couldn't move on was because of our financial situation. It held her to me because she couldn't get a decent job and support herself.

I mentioned this and how it played on my mind a lot. What she had said triggers these fears of her just waiting for the right time to move along while I wait and wonder. She tried to assure me that wasn't the case. Also, she was set aback and a bit upset that I spewed all this and made accusations based on not much at all.

After we cooled down, I did feel better. Today I'm trying to continue to work on myself and be a great man regardless. Though I struggle continually with paranoia. This has been the toughest battle. It's been a tough battle all my life actually.