My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[timbits]

AUGH!!! well, he went to a reading yesterday night and OW was there. they spoke briefly, mainly how H didn't want any drama if he sees her at events, that they can't be friends, but cordial. when he came home (fairly early, btw), he was really clingy. he wanted to sit right next to me, seemed like he was backtracking a bit in the panic department.

i don't really know how i feel about this. on one hand, he kept saying what a mistake he made, that he doesn't know what he was thinking when he started the ea/pa with ow. but, at the same time, when he gets clingy and panicky, it has meant in the past that he was lying to me about something. i don't know. maybe i should just believe and trust him? but i don't and i don't know if i can trust him.

we have a mc session tomorrow. i'll probably bring it up then. i don't know what to do. i'm really conflicted. does anyone have any advice for me? i just tried to detatch from the situation last night, asked him what happened, but tried not to dwell on it. i kind of ignored him and kept reading things on my laptop.

[timbits]

anyone have any advice please? he called me at work this morning in tears and panicking again. i just don't know what to do. i mean, he says that he is just very ashamed, but i'm feeling angry again and feel like he's hiding something from me.

[MrBond]

What is he expecting from you? Aside from apologizing, he has to show REMORSE. Which means he has to prove to you that he is doing everything he can to satisfy YOUR needs.

Him crying and being the drama queen is only to satisfy HIS ego.

[timbits]

not sure what he's expecting from me. he shows remorse and guilt for what happened, but i can't just accept it and move on so quickly. i mean, every time he has anxiety, it's a reminder.

we got into an argument the other day when the proof for his book came out. it's the final proof and he has to make the final changes before it goes to printing. i looked at the acknowledgments and she was there. i told him i wanted him to remove her. he didn't think he could at the time and said that i was ruining this experience for him. i got really mad, said that every time i looked at the book, i'd be reminded of her. to be fair, there were a LOT of them there and i was the first, but i just didn't think it was right that she be memorialized in print.

he has since found out that he can remove her name (change anything, really) and told me that he would. i feel better about that.

we had a long conversation about it last night. he said that it wasn't so much that he was attracted to her, but he didn't have a history with her and could create an alter-ego and be whomever he wanted to be because she doesn't know him. he said that he was sick of being the same old anxious h. i told him that he has anxiety and other issues and that unless he gets to the root cause, he'll never get over it. he kept saying that when he was with her, he was a different person and that it felt like he was cured. i told him that if he was cured, he wouldn't be having the problems he has now. he agreed that it was mainly about ego-stroking and that he feels like such an idiot now. he said when he saw her the other day, he couldn't stop thinking, "i was going to throw away my family for HER?" he said that he never wants to see OW again. he feels very ashamed for what happened.

i feel like this is a good thing. he finally acknowledged that it was an affair. he had a hard time admitting it, he knew it was inappropriate, but said that it wasn't like an affair you see in the movies. i don't care. i told him that when you put another woman's feelings and needs above your wife's, it's an affair. he's finally getting that and not being defensive about it anymore.

i think we're going to be ok, but i have to process this. we have mc today. wish me luck.

[timbits]

Journal Entry: I`m fairly irritated with H right now. He`s really moody and I`m just not in the mood to put up with it. I`ve been ignoring him as best I can (this is a 180 for me), but honestly, after all the cr@p he's pulled in the past few months, I don't deserve this at all.

Ugh. Same cr@p, different day. Part of taking care of myself is not putting up with this. I don't deserve it. I deserve better than this.

This is just a vent.

[ben11]

How did MC go the other day?

And I know how you feel about not feeling like you deserve what your getting from your spouse. It's a fine line between being patient and getting trampled by their selfishness. Hang in there. I guess I will heed my own advice too... So tough.

[timbits]

Sorry for the delay in my response. MC went really well. We only had 4 sessions through my EAP, but I'm going to IC and he is as well and the MC suggested we have a few more sessions in a few months after going to IC.

H got a job yesterday. It's only a temporary one for 6 weeks, but if it works out, they have a permanent position opening up at the end, as well. They flat out told him that if he does well, he'll get it. I'm really happy about this. It's a HUGE weight off my shoulders. We can also move out in the fall after we save some more (I want to have a bigger nest egg in the event of an emergency). H seems happier since he found out, as well. It gave him some much needed confidence. Better still, it's in the same office building as mine (different floors, different companies), so no extra money to spend on gas. The only difference is that he has to start at 8am and I start at 9am, but I can always get some extra work done or go for a walk (GAL, more exercise). This is a very good thing.

My mom was so happy she cried. She loves H. It's hard not to tell her what has been going on these past few months (we're very close). I just told her that H was having a lot of issues with his anxiety and depression and they got really bad, and that's all she needs to now. She says it must have been really hard on my to shoulder it all alone, but she really has no idea. But it wouldn't help anyone to tell her the truth. It's just too hurtful and she wouldn't understand. Like I said, she LOVES H. She thinks the world of him and I'm getting back there, myself, so I wouldn't want to do anything that would make this already difficult process even harder.

Starting my rug-hooking next week. Mom and I went out to dinner and will be shopping this weekend. It's nice that she's back from Florida (snow birds...) and we can spend some time together again.

[timbits]

Journal: Things are going fairly well. Well, they were this weekend, but H and I had a little tiff yesterday. We went to a movie and then dinner. Before, on the way to the theatre, we were talking about a reading he attended recently and OW didn't show up and he was glad. We were discussing it briefly and he said, "Don't mention OW. I don't want to talk about her anymore". Well, goody for him! Nice to know he can just put it all into a nice, little package and pretend it didn't happen! I said, "Wow, great for you. So glad that YOU'RE over it". Bit sarcastically, which was not in DB'ing mode, but it just got under my skin.

Then when we were having dinner, we were chatting briefly again and I mentioned some other mutual friends that I dislike. They're kind of friends of the group and I can't stand them. I'm polite, but they're, frankly, idiots and I limit my time around them. I was talking about someone unrelated, I think it was about referring someone for a job, and I mentioned that you have to be careful because you don't want it to reflect badly on yourself if it doesn't work out. I then said, for example, I'd never refer annoying friends' names. He then got irritated and said, "God, I know you don't like them. You don't have to constantly say it. I get the point. Just stop talking about it." I was like, "WTF? I don't mention them frequently. They're just the perfect example of flaky people. Get over it. I have to listen to you repeat yourself over and over again, ad nauseum. I just ignore it and would appreciate it if you could do the same". He got pissy with me and I just said that he couldn't control me and he'd have to get over it. I'll say and do what I want.

H is also annoyed because I am getting a $500 VISA gift card for being an overachiever this month at work (sold more than required and worked really hard) and I plan on using it for a motorcycle licensing course. This would be the 4th one I've received in the past year and I have used them for bills in the past. Well, I've earned this gift card, I'm not taking any money away from it, I worked really hard this month and I've always wanted to get my license. He can get over it (he thinks they're dangerous. I want to get a scooter, not a Kawasaki Ninja!). I want to do this and I will. It's also a part of GAL. I used to ride as a passenger with my Dad all the time and I want to do it again.

I also think he was just in a bad mood yesterday because he had to go to another reading and was nervous about it. He ended up having a really good time. But he was cranky about it for a while and I think this is why we had the little argument. I pretty much told him "I don't control you, you don't control me. I'll do and say what I want as long as it's not detrimental to the relationship". I felt like throwing in "...Wish I could say the same for you..." but I held back.

Honestly, it's like he wants to be free and do what he wants, but I can't. It's really irritating, but I'm just ignoring it. I'm not really the type of woman who allows anyone else to control her. I find it really presumptuous and rude that he would try to control my speech and actions.

[scaredsilly]

i hate to say this but i recognise myself in your words and tone with your husband. at least, the self that drove my husband away from me. from all the things i've been reading lately, i know i need to work on conflict resolution and communication. lots of times, i was out of touch with my feelings and let anger take the place of fear or pain.

what i'm trying to do now is really examine what i'm feeling; am i afraid of something (loss of control or not being accepted as someone who may have different goals or desires which could really be a fear of not being important or appreciated)?
my gut reaction to pain (in the past) has been to come back as tough and independent. i'm finding that that response makes my husband feel emasculated. it also does not contribute to a win-win solution for both of us.

[timbits]

I get what you're saying, scaredsilly, but, honestly, I've done a lot to prevent my husband from feeling emasculated. I get really annoyed when I feel like he's trying to control me when 6 months ago he was doing whatever he pleased with OW. I am independent by nature. This is who I am and who I've been since I was a baby. I'm not going to hide who I am just because he may not like it. This is who he married. I've always this way and pretending to be a weak woman just because it may, on the off chance, intimidate him.

He has said to me in the past that he loves the fact that I think for myself, am rational and can take care of myself. I don't think that he is intimated by my independence. I think it's more that he thinks that motorcycle licenses are dangerous and I'll get hurt. I've wanted to do this ever since I was a teenager and used to ride as a passenger with my father. This is just another part of who I am and, as part of GAL, I decided to start to do all of the things on my "bucket list", per se. This is pretty high up there on things I want to do before I die (as morbid as that sounds).