First off, I didn't slam children with special needs. I said, "I wish upon her stillbirths, miscarriages and severely disabled children who will drain her emotionally, physically and financially."
All children (any form of dependent, really) are a drain in some manner. Those with severe disabilites are draining in one form or another. That does not mean they do not have worth or are unwanted. I love my students, I love their families. But it drives me crazy when a parent says (and granted, this statement is rare, but it's happened), "oh, I never need a break". Bullsh!t. We all need a break from time to time. To say otherwise is pure denial. My families are exhausted in more ways than one. I don't infer that, they straight up tell me. CNN just had an article the other day about how expensive the cost of autism treatment is. I have parents who beg to know how they can qualify for respite services. I know families who can't ever sleep because their child's disability prevents them from getting a good nights sleep, and then they in turn prevent everyone from getting a good night's sleep. It's a drain.
Secondly, I know stillbirths and miscarriages are painful. I just had a dear friend lose her baby at 24 weeks. She went through 20 hours of labor to deliver a dead baby who had a name, a nursery, and clothing. She missed a month of work. And immediately before she lost this pregnancy, she had a miscarriage. Both my mother and my God-mother lost infants in their first few weeks of life. I have been fortunate not to have personally experienced these things, but I have borne witness to the pain it causes. While I apologize if it was offensive (I honestly did not want to hurt anyone's feelings over that statement), I still stand by what I said. I wish her beyond imaginable pain, especially pain related to child birth. I do not apologize for wishing this hell upon her. Not. One. Bit.
If that makes you angry, I'm sorry, but don't read my posts.
Thirdly, I fully acknowledge the physical attack was inappropriate. And yet.... I don't care. At this point in time, I'd do it again. Honestly, I'm amazed I haven't attacked him again. That's how angry I am. I feel very unapologetic about it. I doubt I will ever apologize to him about it. I mean, if I truly eventually feel bad for it, I will. I hate empty apologies. I find them more insulting than if you just say nothing.
I don't know if I've ever posted this... it's been too long and there have been too many posts.... but part of the reason I am SO angry about this is the day my first child was born was one of my true "dreams" growing up.
Some women have a dream wedding they've had visions of since they were little girls. I didn't know anything about my wedding, but I knew what the birth of my child would be like.
We would hold hands, we would cry, we would say "look what we made" and tell each other "I love you" and tell the same to our child. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
Instead I just stared at H, stared at my newborn, and tried to be as stoic as possible.
Honestly, I don't remember much from that day. And that alone is crushing.
I still hate her. Vehemently. This is not to say that H is free from blame. But I still say that this would not have happened if she weren't in the picture. I know that's a debatable topic.
Would he have abandoned me? Probably. But would there be an OW? I think I give her that credit. From what little I read, she was rather pushy.
Ugh.
I don't know what to do about H in reference to all of this. I don't want a D. But I don't know how to.... emphasize the severity of this. The on going lying.
That's probably another thing I'm so enraged about.
I just bought it. Hook, line and sinker.
And of course, he's out of town again this week. At least we're out of the house, into the apartment (although still living out of boxes) and we're all well now.
I'm taking a girls weekend. Not this weekend, but next. I've stored up enough milk (yeah, D is still nursing believe it or not) to where she should be good and I'll just bring my pump. Hopefully that will rejuvenate me a bit and get me to calm down.
I would say more often than not, I'm not angry about this. But when it creeps up, it's still very fiery.
