I'm new to this so I hope everyone will bear with me. I am soon to be 54 and my W will soon be 50. We met when W was 17 and I was 21. I fell in love with her shortly after, and she felt the same. We went with each other and were engaged 2 years later. We were married 5/20/83. Our children are S28,S24,and D20. You can see we have alot invested in this R. Our M started slipping about 6 years ago. Because of kids, jobs, and me spending too much time elsewhere,our M hit some rough times. We weren't spending enough time just the two of us. We didn't communicate well or make eash other a priority.Both huge mistakes. I started to feel neglected and not loved. We both closed up on each other. I was resentful and got to be hard to live with. I would give her the silent treatment and also slept on the couch many nights. I was sarcastic and just did things to hurt my W. Then one day she exploded. She said she had had it. I fell to pieces. I don't know why I was surprised. I thought for sure I had lost her, and begged and pleaded for forgiveness.Right away I imagined a OM. I don't know why. My W wouldn't do that. All through this she has always told me I should know better. To speed this up I will get to the point. In the next 6 years we went to a local counseler, I got on meds for depression, quit taking them, went to a marriage counseler,I started seeing a psyc.,got back on meds and basically did whatever I could to work on the M.And just a quick note. Don't ever pick a marriage couseler from the Yellow Pages. She was divorced herself and didn't like men very mush. She did more harm than good. Through all of this period we had highs and lows. But something just didn't seem right. I started back to my old ways. I felt like she didn't need me, and she showed me very little affection. It hurt because I never stopped loving her. I threated her with divorce just to get her to see something was wrong. I gave her a choice. Are we going to work on the M or part. Bad move. She got angry and said we were through.4 days later I had a breakdown.I was taken to a psyc hospital.I was there for 8 days and then 5 weeks outpatient therapy. Through all of this my W never mentioned divorce. When I could go home on weekends I slept in a different room. We did talk about things but I kept pushing her for answers. On New Years day we had a fight and she finally said the D word. She said she would be moving out. There were no apartments available, we live in a small town. We ended up buying her a house. I knew she needed to be away from me. She hired a lawyer to handle the house and also had him do divorce papers. Then the bomb hit. A friend came to me and told me about a rumor. My W was supposidly after an affair with a friend of ours. We shared a lake cabin with him and his family for 8 summers. I went home and confronted her about it. She went to pieces. She said it wasn't true and begged me to believe her. After two hours of talking I believed her. She was very upset that people would think such a thing. She has a very important job in the community. This hasn't been very short has it. Anyway she decided that we should just separate not divorce. She moved to town 6 weeks ago. I had thought she would maybe stay. We had comforted each other through the rumor business and come together somewhat. After she moved out she has become an ice queen. Very cold and hurtful. I don't know why the change. There has been no talk of how long this will last. And that's where I'm at.I miss her and hate living alone in this big house. I'm in counseling and reading alot of marriage books. I have a good base of support. I have friends and family I can confide in. I'm staying on my meds but the pain is awful. Sorry this got so long. I would appreciate any input and talking about it helps me
Sorry to find yourself in this situation. To be honest, based on what you were posting, it sounds like your W was having an A. All cheaters lie after getting caught.
What would you like to do?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thank you for responding. I have read many of your thoughts to others. You offer very interesting insites. I have tried not to dwell on the affair angle too much. We live in a small community. It would be almost impossible to concile. But I do have doubts at times. I have been in contact with the exwife, yes exwife, and she told me that two years ago her husband and my wife were texting each other daily, sometimes twice, for four months. I asked my wife about it. She admitted it and and said she was sorry. She knew it was wrong and said she put a stop to it. When i asked what they were talking about she said just light conversation. Im struggling with that. If there is something going on it will come out. My wife is administrator of our local Catholic hospital. I cant believe she would jepordize her career. I have given our separation a certain amount of time. If she doesnt come clean or decides she isnt willing to work on the marriage i will divorce her. I dont want to do it because i love her with all of my heart. But i cant do this forever.
Im struggling tonight. Im wondering why god has given me this cross to bear. I realize that it appears that i have my head in the sand. I just cant make myself believe that my wife is capable of such deceit. She has always been a honest and moral human being. Perhaps i pushed her too far. I could use some input from someone out there.
Yes, this is very painful. It seems you know the things you have to change to be a better you. Do you see that you didn't show her a lot of love and affection for a very long time? You changed for a while and then went back to your old ways. The changes you make have to be for you, not just to get her back.
ndfarmer, I'm just north of you by only a few hundred miles I'm sure... so I know what it's like to be in a small community where rumours take minutes for everyone to hear and add their own spin to...
The beauty of a small town is that one can dismiss a rumour of affair because a) it's a small community and too hard to hide, and b) it's probably a rumour started by a spiteful hater...
Unfortunately, affairs can and do happen in small communities and stay hidden for months and years...
Now let me further state, and I do this with most here, our small community (and it's less than 10,000 in our municipality / county) has had a number of murders, suicides, murder/suicides over infidelity just within my short 45 years on this planet...
Domestic violence initiated by the exposure of an affair is a very real risk... just ask your local PD...
Anyhow, having said that. Believe it or don't believe it, but what do you want?
Is an affair a deal breaker for you? I don't mean that she gets to stay in the affair and you live in an open marriage... I mean if you absolutely know she was having or did have an affair, would you be done?
Each situation is different, but if an affair is not a deal breaker, then if there is an ongoing affair, nothing is likely to get better until your W ends the affair. And forcing the issue is more likely to cause the affair to go deeper under ground...
So as labug mentions above, you really should get to your nearest book store and see if they have the Divorce Busting or (better; new and improved) Divorce Remedy book by Michelle Weiner Davis. Get it and read it.
If you are a God fearing man, then start praying for support and guidance from Him and put it in His hands.
Work on yourself. Keep living life as best as you can and in time, it will get easier. I'm almost 2 years in and it's been a lot of work, but it's worth it... My M has not been saved, but I am still M, even though separated for almost 1 1/2 years.
Season should be starting there for you, so busy yourself in doing what you need to do this spring and keep yourself distracted that way, as you keep working on making yourself a man that your W would be a fool to leave...
Read around here and learn from other's and ask questions and post often to keep us up to date. We are here to support you through this.
There's a list of 37 rules that hopefully someone can post that will help guide your behaviours from this point forward.
The more space you give your W, the less pressure she will feel and it can go a long way to possibly help save your M.
And detach from the drama... be respectful as possible, but be emotionally distant or void... that becomes easier over time... but you want to be in a state of mind that you act positively, rather than reacting negatively... that's what detachment helps us with...
Thank you for the posts. I have read the divorce remedy and am halfway through divorce busting. Im finding them very helpful.
If my w were having an affair, which I HONESTLY DONT KNOW,if she would come to me and tell me,was sorry for it,and ended it I would forgive her. The biggest problem is not knowing and the anxiety that it causes me. Im giving her space. I made my first payment on her space today. I hate the no contact.This Easter will be the first holiday that we havent been together for over 30 years. That will be hard. But through it all I am improving myself. I can take care of myself. I will either be a better husband to my W, or to someone else. Again thank you for the words of support. Soon we will be in the field so hopefully will not think about W quite so much.
Good friend of mine (family bought our farm a dozen years ago) D'd from his W. Ugly split. Luckily farm was incorporated so no major loss there. She was in an A. Unlikely to see a reconciliation there.
A brother of his split from his W. HE was the WAS with an A. Bought her a house in town. Two years later, they are back together... I figure he was a bit MLC as well.
Crazy stuff...
Being focused on working can help, but then there's the times when there's nothing to do but think. All I can recommend there is, don't self medicate with alcohol... seen too much of that around here, too...
Do you have anyone who is supportive of you trying to work things out with your W? It could be very helpful for you during this time.
Not the ones who tell you to let her go and how she was no good anyhow... I mean the ones that understand that you want to stand and work it out... and also, be careful for members of the opposite sex who might seem an attractive "shoulder" to cry on... big danger, there...
I have evidence of a possible physical A, and lots of evidence of emotional As... but in the end... I figure I can forgive it...
here's the thing that you might need to wrap your head around...
You may NEVER know for sure and you might never get an apology if you suspect...
It appears that quite often, the WAS is so far "gone" that they don't recognize an A as doing something wrong, because in their mind, the M is over... so in their mind... they aren't cheating...
Anyhow, if you can... and since you think you can forgive it if it did happen, and has ended or will end, then don't think about it. Just work on you. Do the work as prescribed by the DR book.
And as mentioned before, keep posting here as you can and feel you need to. We will support you and we will challenge you, but we WILL help you through this.
Thank you Kaffe Diem, I agree with you on everything. I know all about the alcohol thing.I spent too much time driving around looking at the crops with my partners and a cooler. Too many times ending up in the bar. Too many times coming home drunk. I am very ashamed of my behavior. I could have been home with W. I quit drinking after I left the hospital. Dont miss it. Never ever knowing what went on with W and my best friend, that will be a different story. That will require alot of work. I have many people supporting me and my decision to stand for my M. But do have detracters too. My parents and my brother to name a few. The shoulder thing hit home too. I have a friend of the opposite sex who has been a positive through my mental illiness and marriage problems. I am very careful. I have told her if i ever say or do anything inapropiate to say so. We are good enough friends that i know she would. Well Id better get to work. Thanks so much for the thoughts K. Keep them coming as it really helps and makes me think.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
