Divorce....with a side of crazy...

[SunFunOne]

Sorry for his horrible behaviour. I always got the same from my ex. Nothing for the kids but he acted like the divorce was all my fault and even told the kids it was my idea.

You are right - there is nothing you can do. He is just reeling from the realization of what his leaving you is costing him. He has made his bed but he doesn't like lying in it. The reality is biting him in the wallet.

Your son knows the truth but it hurts him to know. I saw this happen to my kids too and they still struggle with it all.

Don't try to prove anything to your son. DO tell your L what is going on, though. A good divorce L will want you both to make the divorce as easy on the kids as possible. You also really need to get the finances worked out quickly. Sounds like your son might have to go without for a bit and in some aspects - that's just not ok.

Venting here and going for a run are both healthy ways to handle this.

Good for you!

Barb

[25yearsmlc]

In California, if one spouse bad mouths the other spouse to their children-

it's called "parental alienation" and one can lose custody over it. IT's very frowned upon by the courts.


(Which leads me to the joke that says "so if you want to call your h a #$%^&!!!, --you have to stay m!"... ba da bump!)

But seriously, I'd start taking notes about what he tells your son.


you might want to warn your h about this law since your real goal is stopping him from doing it.

Tell him your L told YOU not to bad mouth him (not that you would want to hurt your son by bad mouthing his dad anyhow, which is why YOU did not tell him about OW months ago!!!---'& you're welcome bozo')

b/c of the laws against parental alienation.

You assumed his L told him the same but evidently NOT...so suggest he call his L to verify this (he probably won't since he'll get charged)

b/c it seems he wants to play dirty and blame. But he lives in a glass house

and he needs to shut up & man up, asap.

[imthemom]

So,My L sent me a copy of our response to his purposal, for me to go over and make any changes...Im decideing if I want he to add anything about the comments he is making to S15..told her I would get back to her on Monday.

As far as how Im handleing it with S15...this may sound crazy to some of you but I came up with something and tried it this morning...it went over really well so I think Im going to continue it. when S15 starts telling me things his D has said, or starts makeing negative comments about his D, Ive told him Im not going to talk about his D with him...but then it just feels negative and S15 just sits there stewing, so I decided the other day that every time he brought him up or told me a negative comment his D has said about me I was going to then launch into a funny/positive story about his D and I or a story about his D from when he was younger..anything I can think of that would make him laugh or just smile. this morning he made a comment about his D and I immediantly started telling him about how one year I surprised his D and bought airline tickets for him and I to go to his 10 yr reunion in Nebraska. I called his work and let them know he was taking a long weekend and he didnt know till he walked in the door and I had him all packed and my sister there to stay with the kids...its was the funnest weekend we ever had and his D was soooo happy. S15 was laughing and when I dropped him off at school he had a smile on his face, and he wasnt thinking so negatively about his D anymore.
I know I cant fix there relationship and if he makes the choice to continue to bad mouth me theres not a whole lot I can do about it (but trust...if it gets bad I will definatley put a stop to it any way I have to for my sons sake) but I am not going to feed into his anger or lower myself into his mud puddle. Hes on his own there...and I felt great about it so it was a win win....

[SunFunOne]

Kudos to you ITM!!

I truly believe that you can change a negative by using a positive and you just proved my theory.

The point is to separate yourself from the emotion. But you've also helped your son feel better about his dad. WIthout really saying it - you're letting him know that it's ok to remember the good times in a healthy way.

Your son needs someone to vent to. He feels that he CAN come to you and for a 15 year old - that is HUGE!!! He knows you know his dad like no one else so only you can understand in the same way.

I also understand how difficult this must be but if it is working for you - keep doing it.

I'm impressed with your attitude.

I am not a lawyer but when I was going through my divorce and had problems with how my ex was behaving with the kids - my lawyer told me to keep that out of the written stuff. RIght now - you need to make a business agreement. That is the written part. THe lawyer should be advised about the things that are being said to your son about you and you should keep your own documentation. But try to stick to the financial stuff because sometimes it gets muddled up when there is other stuff going on.

My lawyer told me to have my daughter tell her dad herself how she felt. In my case it was that ex was taking our severely disabled son to his house despite the fact he was not supposed to and having OW around him when he had agreed not to. My daughter, then about 15, saw her dad with her brother and OW and she just flipped out. I was incensed too but my Lawyer told me to have her and her other brother tell their dad how they felt about what he was doing. Then he knew it was not coming from me. He needed to know that THEY felt that way. He cared about how they felt, not about how I felt. And it worked. Well, at least until recently.

Ya Dun Good!

Barb

[imthemom]

Thanks girls...I kinda patted myself on the back to if I must say so myself. Im so sick of all the negative energy around me and what ever positive I can scrape up im willing to take!!...and it actually feels good to remember positive things about our relationship, trust me, it been awhile since that has happened. I know he would like to think that the last 18 yrs have been full of misery and greif..I choose not to make the last 18 yrs of my life a complete waste. We had great times and were a family that loved to laugh together. I choose to remember that and I want my S15 to do the same.

Its either that or back to the huge puddle of moosh crying on the bathroom floor that I was a few months ago...and thats not a sexy look for me, or anyone else uugg! LOL!

Im actually starting to remember what I liked about myself and it aint all that bad...I feel me comen back strong!!

[imthemom]

Am having a really good week, on spring break from work and have been working out and running every day, getting back in shape and getting ready for a 10k in May and it feels really good. Have been to my Crossfit gym every morning and its good to see everyone again.
Sent off proposal to my L and decided to not add anything about the comments he is making to S15...yet...He hasnt seen S15 for the last week and half, i sent an email again asking him to remember the S15 is having a hard enough time and that he should not be put in the middle and am hoping that will take care of it but its the last time Im doing it, if any more comments are made my L said we will send something to his L and put it on paper. Im trying not to be to confrontational right now and just want to get threw this and have it be over. Monday would have been our 19 yr anniversary...If I can get through that day without breaking down I can get through anything...
but I thought that as I stood on our front porch and knew he was in our bed with ow...before I opened the door I thought if I can get threw this, this is as bad as it will get...boy was I wrong..
The realization that you have been married for 18 yrs to a total stranger, I think, is as bad as it can get...its all up hill from there.

I still have minutes were I all the sudden have the realization that we are REALLY getting divorced...which tells me that I still havent excepted and dealt with it totally...Im trying, and I have come a long way..I think I just miss what could have been and not so much what was. And I miss being part of a couple, but Ive always liked having alone time..even before we seperated I always liked to go to movies alone and go for long runs all alone..never had a problem with that. But the alone now is different then being alone and knowing you have someone at home to go home to. I just want to be a good mom to my boys and pray every day that im doing the right and best thing for my S15...Im so scared that he will be scarred for the rest of his life because of decisions that I make.

I actually did have my L add that I thought STBX and S15 could benefit from father/son counceling to help fix there relationship and that I would like him to agree to that. She thought that was a good idea since S15 has been acting out and had specifically said he was doing it to get his Ds attention.

so..all in all, things are moving along. getting alot of things done around that house repair and upkeep wise, have needed to do that for awhile..S15 broke his bed, fixed that...did my spring yardwork cutting everything back and pulling weeds and am getting ready for a garage sale to get rid of all that stuff in my garage from our old house that I am soooo sick of looking at. its time, but going threw it has been sad. Lots of things from out past together that I havent seen in forever. Its hard to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. In the back of my head I keep thinking "what if"...GAWD!! when does that stop??!!

[imthemom]

April 9th is looming like a huge boulder hanging over my head waiting to nail me....Im trying real hard not to think about it but I can feel it just waiting.....went for a long run this morning and just started bawling half way threw it ...havent done that in a while so I can tell Im just getting myself all worked up about it. This will be the first Anniversary we havent celebrated..even while we lived apart we still spent every day together and celebrated our anniversary each year..until this year...I wanna go to bed and wake up on April 10th...is there a pill that strong??!!

[SunFunOne]

It will happen if you dread it or not. It will be difficult or easier depending on how much you pay attention to it. My best advice would be to plan something really nice that day. Dinner out with a friend? An outing with your kids? A mani/pedi? Anything to make the day a special one FOR YOU!

When my son was in a coma for 6 weeks - I used to ask them to put me into an induced coma too and wake me when it was over. Because i couldn't STAND it. But , just like you - I had to live through it.

You will be ok. But it's still 5 days away so you need to get busy and make lots of plans. The time will go by much faster that way.

Hugs,

Barb

[figgeroni]

I forgot what day I was married on

[SunFunOne]

Yes, it is true that the walkaways seem to be able to erase the memory of the date.

One year after ex left (he left right after our 25th) he came over on our anniversary. Our precious kitty had died recently of kidney failure so I asked him to come outside to see the memorial we had put in the garden for her. I was teary about us being split and it being our 26 anniversary. He asked me what was wrong and before I could say - he told me it must be about the cat. He did not have a clue, even when asked - what day it was.

Try not to give it so much energy.

Barb