Wow. Thanks everyone. Yes PEI, I've read 25's post about um...25 times.
AJ, thanks for posting the link. Good reading for sure.
25, you sure know how to make me think! Lots of wisdom as always.
THE LATEST:
Things are getting better. Sloooowly. I'm thinking about switching jobs. I was offered a job last week and I'm close to accepting it. The best part is....I'll be able to work from home!!!! It doesn't pay as much as my current job, but there is plenty of room for advancement. And...I get to work from home. Have I mentioned that I'll get to work from home?
As of last week, my bankruptcy was officially filed. I have a meeting with the creditors at the end of the month.
I had an interesting talk with S17 and S19 over the weekend. S17 told me that the last time he visited with XW, she mentioned again how she wants to be my friend. I would love to be her friend, but to be honest, I can't be friends with someone right now that has treated me the way she has and done the things that she has. Plus, wouldn't being her friend just tell her that I am ok with all of this? Is it her way of making herself feel better? S17 and S19 also told me that she is always asking questions about me. They say she is doing it a lot more lately. "Where's your father?", "What's your dad doing?" "When does your father get home?" Stuff like that.
Anyways, that is all for now. Thanks for all of the responses.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Good news Tad. Glad to hear about the job change. I hope it works out like you hope. Glad you're getting through the financial stuff do, as unpleasant as it can be.
Just a note to remind you: you've faced many of your fears here. When you do that, they have no power over you any longer. Have you noticed that?
Keep facing them Tad.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Tad, it really is best if you don't have those kinds of conversations with your sons. Best for them and best for you.
If they bring it up, I would say, Son, I would rather not talk about your mom with you.
Tad, you are still trying to figure out her mind. Not possible. She is in MLC Crazyland. If I had to guess, it is that she wants to be sure you are right where she left you.
Here's the thing. Who cares if she asks for you or if she doesnt?
And it doesnt matter if being her friend will make her think you are ok with all this. What matters is why would you want to be friends with someone who treated/treats you like crap?
Tad, I see you trying to read into what your sons told you. Don't. And being friends with her at this point will cause you pain.
Good luck with your new job, if you choose to take it.
I wanted to let you know that I feel Im in the same position as you lately.
My stbx actions appeared to be that perhaps he wanted to try and be friends again. We've had pretty pleasant exchanges, but I told myself to just stay back and monitor.
Sure enough here we are and he's going right back to where he was 3 months ago. He appears irritable, Won't speak to me in person now, no eye contact, and only short text messages. A few weeks ago he was talking to me in person in the driveway and asking so pitifully if he could get time with his kids. I question if it got back to him that his kind behavior made me uncomfortable via my brother in law so he's decided to be act this way. And if it did, oh well he did me a favor. Im sorry being friends after a 20+ relationship, yeah sure.
yes in a way I think them wanting to be friends is their way to try to make themselves feel better. Feel better that yes they can check in and see if we're still where they left us, and some sort of self serving act that if they're "friends" to us, it somehow makes the pain that was inflicted upon us by their actions VOID.
You know what Tad, I've decided to keep the distance with stbx. Not enough water has gone under the bridge for me to his friend. And there may never been enough water under the bridge.
Besides the truth of it all is that we really don't want to be just friends with our ex spouses do we?
Yes we want to be friends, but friends as a married couple again. Alot of time, healing, reflection and water under the bridge would have to go by in order for us to be just friends with our ex's.
I think to add to that, being friends with somebody means they treat us with respect as we treat them with respect. That's a foundational piece of friendship in my opinion.
Besides that part of it, there would also have to be forgiveness. You can work on that, but it may take a long time and it would help if she asked for it, right?
She has a lot to learn, Tad. She may never learn it. But on your end, you need to expect and demand respect in any of your relationships. I know you know that outside of your relationship with your Ex.
It's not a matter of what she wants unless she is willing to do what it takes. And if you are willing to allow her to.
She has a longer way to go than you Tad. Keep your distance. She'll come find you if that's what she really wants.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Let's just face it they have no idea what the word "friend" means. Friend to them means someone to give them attention, to spew on, to use and manipulate and to listen to their nonsense. Friend does not equal mutual give and take or caring or respect. Any true intimacy/friendship does not happen with the mid-lifer until they feel sorrow and repentance.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Tad, you are still trying to figure out her mind. Not possible. She is in MLC Crazyland. If I had to guess, it is that she wants to be sure you are right where she left you.
I suppose you are right.
As for being her friend, why would I want to be friends with someone that has done so wrong and been so mean to me? Some of the things that she has told me:
"I don't love you any more than the dogs."
"You are more like a roommate."
"You're a miserable excuse for a man and a horrible father."
"You're a loser."
"I wish we never married."
But I guess the bigger question would be: If I AM so terrible, why would she even want to be friends with ME?
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Things for me for the past few days have been a little "different." I'm not sure how to explain it except maybe I am a little down again.
XW seems a little different too. She used to go 4, 5 or even 6 days without contacting our sons. Now she does it nearly everyday. The boys have noticed it.
I had to contact her yesterday. I do not have enough gas in my car to make the trip out to her house this weekend to drop of S17. So I sent the following text:
M: "I really do not have enough gas to get to your place this weekend."
XW" "That's okay. I will pick up MY son tomorrow."
Was this really necessary? I mean really? Obviously she is still bitter and angry. What is she angry about? Who knows.....
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
