Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: kimmie lee] girlfromipanema Member
Registered: 12/29/10 Posts: 524 I haven't read your entire thread Busto, but one thing that confuses me about the feedback you're getting is the amount of effort most seem to say your wife needs to show. In my situation, with my husband being unfaithful, everyone wants him to show all the effort. Why is your situation so different? Is it due to you waking up after her leaving you (because of your affair)? Doesn't that mean she executed a flawless "Plan B"? I understand why I'm getting the feedback I'm getting, but I'm not understanding the feedback you're getting.
Also, as the 'betrayed', if I left you, then decided to give you (and the family) another chance due to the changes you were making, THEN found out you were dating me in addition to other women...? Game over.
I know you're busy with your project and won't have time to answer, so I'll try to read through your thread (and over at DB to see if I can figure it out myself).
I am concerned about your wife's emotional state. Just this week the thought crossed my mind to check myself into a hospital environment due to being completely emotionally exhausted. One moment I feel strong, the next moment I'm ready to crack - and it seems as if your wife is in the same boat. Is it possible for her to take some time away from work and recharge?
I'm very happy for you and your family to have this chance at reconciliation.
Registered: 10/17/10 Posts: 4320 Loc: WI Originally Posted By: kimmie lee Originally Posted By: flowmom Originally Posted By: Danf Dude, (I think) most women have been planning out getting married and their wedding day since they were little girls. (Ladies, correct me if I am wrong!) LOL, I was planning to be an independent globe-trotting careerwoman for as long as possible grin
Dan, you are right on about this. They just want a wedding and then they just find a groom to plug into the scenario. Lame.
And have you ever noticed how the bride is always beaming like a cat that swallowed the canary in wedding photos?
Do you know WHY a bride smiles so brightly on her wedding day?
Actually, I was VERY excited on my wedding day. Lots of my friends commented on how happy I looked standing in the front of the church. I REALLY did love my W. So sad that it has all gone to shinola. _________________________ Me45 D Final(sort of) 7/13/11
My life has been extraordinary, blessed and cursed at once. (Billy Corgan - Smashing Pumpkins)
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#96612 - 04/20/11 11:09 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Danf] kimmie lee Member
Registered: 11/08/10 Posts: 2738 Loc: SEATTLE, WA God love ya, Dan! I'm sure you speak the truth about many Bridezillas. highfive
_________________________ THE FOG comes on little cat feet.
It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on....C. Sandburg
GOSH!! GOLLY!!
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#96666 - 04/21/11 12:18 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: kimmie lee] Danf Member
Registered: 10/17/10 Posts: 4320 Loc: WI Originally Posted By: kimmie lee God love ya, Dan! I'm sure you speak the truth about many Bridezillas. highfive
That is a joke an old guy at work told me years ago. He's got a load of 'em. _________________________ Me45 D Final(sort of) 7/13/11
My life has been extraordinary, blessed and cursed at once. (Billy Corgan - Smashing Pumpkins)
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#97043 - 04/22/11 02:45 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: girlfromipanema] flowmom Member
Registered: 11/19/10 Posts: 6588 I share your concern GFI...I don't really understand the basis for this advice. It sounds like it's the standard advice for dealing with a WAW/WW...but this isn't the standard scenario. I'm not convinced that free-and-easy dating is the best route here. I wonder if Retro could get things down to brass tacks with addressing the past and opening up true communication. I know nothing about infidelity though, so my input may not be useful. _________________________ me44 + Pookie, S8, D5
I'll make it all worthwhile, I'll make your heart smile ~ DM
Registered: 11/08/10 Posts: 627 I think that Busto and the missus have some issues to work out; no doubt about that. But I think that due to all the pressure the two of them are under between work and kids, that just trying to enjoy each other's company is a good, healthy starting point.
Busto is naturally worried about his wife's motives for returning. And some skepticism is healthy and warranted. But I don't think she needs to walk across hot lava; both parties have done a lot of damage to the previous relationship. So it's time to see if they can have a new relationship.
From what I understand of Busto, he's pretty confident about his boundaries, what he'll put up with, what he wants. He just needs to explore that with Mrs. Busto; and dating each other casually is the best way to do that right now.
I do agree that limiting family events is probably a good idea so to avoid confusing the little ones. _________________________ The best things in life aren't things.
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Things still going fairly well. Slow (is fast?) and in positive direction. W invited me to have lunch with her and kept texting me excitedly before and after our lunch the name of the restaurant (just excited about it) and if I liked it. I was camping with my girls over the weekend at a dad and daughters thing and W and I msg'ed alot, she kept saying she missed us (instead of missed the girls) and wanted me to come over as soon as we got back into town (which I did).
W is doing some positive things for herself. She has started a new regular fitness program and, with her therapist, is reading a book about being assertive/minding your boundaries/speaking up for yourself. She told me it was for our relationship, and I told her I thought it was wonderful and that it was important to me that she feel safe to express herself and her feelings. She shared some of her hurt feelings about the past with me one night, and I validated and held her, then we kissed. She's also been sharing with me alot of her frustrations with her co-worker and her job in general.
A couple of days ago she asked me if I would go to marital counseling and could I find a therapist for us. So, I have this marriage friendly guy I had identified before that specializes in re-establishing intimacy after infidelity that seems pretty good. However, lately, I've also been reading some about emotion-focused therapy which seems like it also could be beneficial in our situation. It's short-term (10-15 sessions), has good efficacy evidence for the orientation, there are some well-recommended and well-trained therapists in our area that use it, and it sort of sells itself as being especially effective when there have been "attachment injuries" that leave one of the people feeling scared, untrusting, unsafe to re-attach to a person that they thought would always protect them or be a loving, safe partner for them. W has used these exact words when describing her feelings, and I have a bit of my own trust issues towards my W from the past year of our M/R being under great strain. I can see that as being very relevant in our situation. Does anyone have any thoughts about emotion-focused therapy vs. classic solution-focused therapy for our sitch?
We are still keeping up with the fun stuff, btw, lest u get the wrong impression. Had a great time over easter with kids and also went to a wine bar for some adult fun. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX I read Sue Johnson's book on emotion-focused therapy and I was really impressed. That would be my first choice for repairing my marriage. You can always try it and change counselors/programs if you don't seem to be making progress. _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
Wow, I've been trying to read up on threads catching up on things around here (and have kept in the loop a tiny bit remotely via Pinhead). It's a real mix of HOLY MOLY vs. SAME shinola DIFFERENT DAY. Very happy to see the good news continuing for Sunny, the surprise announcement from Pookie and Flowmom, and the return of City Girl. Amused as ever to see McQueen's cryptic pot stirring. Glad to see all from the MA/DB/MB gang talking, helping each other and (mostly) living. Great people you guys are.
Life has been very busy, and you vets weren't kidding when you said what a process piecing is. Recovery of our M has continued to go well, though. We are in escrow on a new house that we are so very excited about. Fresh start in so many ways.
So grateful for this second marriage. The advice and support I got from you guys here as well as our emotion-focused therapy have each been key. I really can't express properly how grateful I am for the different ways that you guys helped me individually and, ultimately, my M and family.
Just a ginormous THANK YOU!
(Pookie, please cue the mariachis) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 I am so glad to hear from you my friend.
There is an unclaimed case of beer between us. wink
Cheers. _________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 LOL!!!!! Too funny. You are so right though, I forgot about the U.Conn cervezas. Did you PM or email me ur mailing/shipping address? _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 No I did not, but keep it to yourself and for your honey.
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 _________________________ In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 _________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 11/08/10 Posts: 627 Ah, so many funny memories. Foot rubs, all sorts of pursuit. You and I were the masters of pursuit... _________________________ The best things in life aren't things.
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#178097 - 11/14/11 09:46 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Pinhead] So Inspired Member
Registered: 11/18/10 Posts: 198 Busto, I'm like 40 days late but I'm glad to see this latest post from you. Good work. smile I'm very happy for you and your wife. _________________________ You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
