Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Back from gym. Blew up my lamp. Oops. Flames. Bad. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#79753 - 03/10/11 10:22 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 OK here are two questions concerning birthdays:
1) W's birthday is upcoming. I intend to facilitate D's making W a card and picking out a little present to give her.
Right now I don't think I will be giving W a present myself. I am undecided on giving her a simple b-day card or maybe sending her a happy b-day txt.
Reasons to give her a card or txt msg : To be civil, reciprocity (she gave me a card and presents on my own b-day last June when we were in early separation), to wish her a happy birthday, accepting that she doesn't want the M -- this is what I do for my ex-W
Reasons not to give a card or txt msg : We are in no contact other than kids and finances (is this an exception?), I don't wish happy b-day to someone that is actively acting against my M or family
Thoughts/input on above?
2) D9's b-day is upcoming. Remember my D9 is step-D9 to W. R between W and D9 has always been a thorn in our R. I tried to encourage W to accept and bond with D9, but W ended up resenting my efforts and I think in some ways resenting D9. W said I tried to force an R between them ("controlling") and in doing so ruined their R. I have tried to play no role in the R between them since we have been separated, accepting that if W wants an R with D9 that W is an adult and could lead on whatever R she wanted.
W has not made much effort to maintain an independent R with D9 since separating. When she calls to speak to D's, she speaks to D3 and D5 and does not ask for D9 to be put on phone. D9 has slept over at W's apt (with D3 and D5) 2x over last 10 months. W has once asked me if she could take D9 out for activity (lunch, shopping, whatever) during the time that I have D9. She took D9 with her and D5 to Nutcracker performance for Christmas.
On the other hand, D9 always seemed happy to see W when she would see her in context of joint family weekends that we used to have each weekend before NC. W also seemed happy to see D9. W brought back presents for D9 during W's recent trip to her hometown.
OK, so that's the background. For my own b-day time with D9, I am not intending to invite W. This seems pretty straightforward to me, as I do not invite my ex-W to any family b-day that I celebrate with D9.
My ex-W and I always have joint kid b-day parties for D9, and we are organizing a lazer tag party for D9 and her friends.
Question: Is it my responsibility to invite W to anything related to D9's party? My current thinking is that W is an adult and if she would like to celebrate D9's party, she can initiate any contact to arrange a time for her to take her out separately (or maybe all 3 girls out) for an activity (shopping, ice cream, whatever). That celebration need not involve me nor be "offered" by me.
Conversely, is it my responsibility to indicate to W that she has the option of inviting D9 out. W has a passive style where she does not speak up for wants and then resents others when she does not get what she secretly wished for. I don't want to MR and hate that unhealthy dynamic (While being resented is unpleasant, I don't want to "rescue" her from her passivity. And that resentment is really her issue. If she raises it I could simply say, "I hear that you are upset because you did not spend b-day time with/felt excluded from b-day time with D9?").
Thoughts?
Edited by bustorama (03/10/11 10:30 AM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#79778 - 03/10/11 10:51 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] gr8 day 2b alive Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 1286 Loc: Brotherly Love Busto,
For your W bday, its OK to have the kids make a card and give their mom a gift. It is from them, not you. I let the kids decide what to give their mom, It's not necessary for you to give a gift.
As for D9's party. I would not invite her, even if D9 was biological mom.
This is what I have done with bdays for the kids. Invite D9's friends over for a party. Yeah she may say something about her step mom not being there but that will soon pass with all the fun activites you plan.
gr8
_________________________ Find a passion and pursue it.Fall in love.Dream Big.drink wine, eat good food and spend quality time with good friends.laugh everyday.tell stories. learn more. never give up. be grateful try new things be. happy. and above all, make every moment count.
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#79843 - 03/10/11 01:11 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: gr8 day 2b alive] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Sounds good, gr8. That's where I was leaning. Always appreciate the feedback. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Good day at work. 3 miler after work. D3's pink eye complicated into ear infection. W stayed home with her today and took her to Dr. W was texting me random things ("Did you make reservations for those pilates classes I got you last fall yet? They will expire next month. I am in waiting room, grrr. [Kid's nickname] is the cutest 3 year old in the world, etc.") that I did not respond to. Then W txt'ed me results of exam and we arranged pickup time at her appt.
I get to her appt and D3 is still napping. We get D3 out of bed. W is talking a mile per minute (so fast) about doctor's visit and oh look who's here D3! Then she goes to fridge to get medicine out of the fridge. Then things got strange, still talking a millions miles per minute, she gets the medicine out, hands it to me, then hands me some bottles of beer she says she thinks I might like (?!!?!) and an unopened bottle of cab wine saying something about her and her girlfriend went to Bev Mo and she got too much stuff and it was good I should have it, then she hands me some new socks for D5, then she hands me a big bag of jelly beans, then a st. patrick's day shirt for D9, then she starts trying to give me a bag of Yogurt Raisins. I finally get a "no" out. The whole time she was talking like a million miles per minute. I say ok, we're gonna go. She asks me if I am going to take girls to a school fundraiser dinner night out and I say yes. Then I say bye and leave with my armload of D3 and miscellaneous items.
Edited by bustorama (03/10/11 11:22 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#80201 - 03/11/11 08:32 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Coach Member
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Happy pills? _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 She's not #Charlie Sheen's type, hehe.
I have wondered sometimes seriously if she has a bit of bipolar or other mood instability. One of her brothers and one of her cousins has been treated for it and her other brother also has had issues with depression (which she also has struggled with -- before meeting me even). And maybe if she was in a bit of an "up" cycle?
Someone also suggested it might have been nervousness, which I also could see?
Today is a great day to watch college basketball. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX I'm going to get kicked out of the sisterhood for sharing, but...my take - women talk fast when they are nervous or when they want to throw a man off guard. We KNOW that most men process speech more slowly than we do, so we talk fast on purpose so that you don't process what we say until later...that makes it less likely we'll get rejected right away, and makes it easier to manipulate because men haven't caught on to what we are actually doing. That's also why we throw something important in the middle of fairly innocuous things. It throws you off guard and let's us get through whatever issue we want to address when we are worried about your reaction.
If she tries this again and you want to engage, find a way to slow down the conversation. Interrupt with a question or a comment or something. Once you break the rehearsed flow (and I promise it was rehearsed - that was straight from page 5 of the "how to manipulate your man" handbook), you're likely to either get a) nothing (because she wasn't expecting the interruption and she lost her train of thought) or b) more information, because now she's a little rattled and can't remember what was/wasn't in her script.
I'm interested in seeing what she comes up with next to get your attention if you stay dark. _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Originally Posted By: bustorama Today is a great day to watch college basketball.
Go UConn!!! _________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX Originally Posted By: Mindfull Originally Posted By: Coach Happy pills? \
My first thought...
She's too sporadic and off-topic to just be nervous... IMO!
Cajun - I talk fast. I'm not nervous. I'm not trying to manipulate. Oh, and I'd never admit it, either. LOL
I've done almost the exact same thing as Busto's W when I was trying to get STBXH's attention. Different words, but same general behavior. _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
Registered: 11/16/10 Posts: 989 Originally Posted By: CajunRose I'm going to get kicked out of the sisterhood for sharing, but... We KNOW that most men process speech more slowly than we do
ROFL
Thank you brightening my day. I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read that! wink
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 U Conn is the evil empire. >:-) Helluva last minute shot, though.
My IC suggested I give another speech shortly before filing, "I would prefer that we (had) worked this out, but I accept that that is not happening. This ongoing situation isnt working for me anymore, so I am moving forward. I have begun to do so by seeing my lawyer concerning drafting up a final agreement concerning custody and financial matters, and I will be filing shortly. I did not want this to blindside you, so wanted to let you know in advance. I intend to be a great co-parent with you.
Any thoughts? _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX In your shoes, I would do that. Even if you had no intention of working things out, it's respectful to let her know what is coming. No one wants to be served suddenly for any reason.
I'm planning to give a similar speech before I sign the final papers (if I ever get them). _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 So much good basketball the last couple of days!
Yesterday, went to viewing get together for my alumni group around 4 pm and ended up leaving the place around 1 am. Talked to a bunch of people. Woke up a lil hungover but drug myself out to do a long run with some friends around the bay that ended up going well. There was a 10K going on nearby and we noticed it had a beer garden, so we ran across the finish line and got funneled into the beer garden (lol). Came home and got cleaned up and went to meet my alumni group again at noon for the next round of the tourney. We won again, woo hoo! Stayed til 6 pm watching some other games. I am home now doing some chores and am real tired.
My W txt'd me a couple of times during the games. I responded to one of the kid related ones. I txt'ed her tonight asking her to have the girls call me when it was a good time. She called using her speakerphone in the car and said she was using that because her handset was out of batteries and was charging (they were on the way back from a concert). Had a real tough time talking to the girls because they sounded very tired and cranky and weren't doing very well with the speakerphone. I said I would talk to them tomorrow then.
W called back and said that D5 said she would behave andtalk to me, so D5 told me some about her day. Then W started trying to supplement tell me about their day and then started telling me how a mutual couple friend of ours that is in her apt complex appeared to have moved and they didnt tell her. She starts telling me that it made her sad. I stopped her and said, hey we aren't supposed to be talking to each other.
She said, huh? you and me? whatever.
I said, yeah, we are supposed to be in no contact.
She said (annoyed/angry), well I just wanted to tell you about this, whatever. bye. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#80988 - 03/13/11 09:14 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Pinhead Member
Registered: 11/08/10 Posts: 627 Good job enforcing the boundary, Busto. Now you know her next tactic to keep the attachment going is to use a phone convo with your girls, and then "extend" the convo to her personal life.
My W talks a mile a minute. If you interrupt her, she gets irritated, but jumps right back where she left off. She loves to talk, can talk for hours. It used to bug me a lot, but then when I actually started listening, paying attention, validating, it became really important to me.
And I'm disappointed that you mooched from the beer garden! _________________________ The best things in life aren't things.
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#81624 - 03/15/11 01:16 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Pinhead] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Where there is beer, there is Busto.
I am so happy! The house painting starts Monday! Had a final meeting with the painter today to go over details.
He's a good guy. He asked me when he was going to meet my W, and I explained the sitch to him. Separated, probably will end up divorcing. He said he couldn't believe it and felt bad for me, that I seemed like such a great guy. I said, well, I did make serious mistakes in the marriage, but at the end of the day if both people don't want to be married to one another, what can you do?
I'm also super excited about March Madness starting. Hey Pookie, ur UConn and my team (Duke, don't shoot me) are in the same bracket. Maybe we should have a little side bet...
Today was W's b-day. I left cards for her and a couple of presents from the girls for her in her garage while she was out. She txted me at some point in day to tell me her cousins had had their baby boy. I txted her later in day to ask her to have girls call me when they could. She did the call me on the car speakerphone thing again. I gathered that they were on their way back from eating out with one of her other girl cousins. W sounded sort of grumpy and irritated at D5, not a happy camper.
Did a 5 mile run on hilly trails after work with running group. It was nice to run in the sun with the daylight saving change. The hills were a real biatch though.
Edited by bustorama (03/15/11 01:25 AM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
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#81812 - 03/15/11 01:16 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Soleil] gr8 day 2b alive Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 1286 Loc: Brotherly Love Quote: Originally Posted By: CajunRoseI'm going to get kicked out of the sisterhood for sharing, but... We KNOW that most men process speech more slowly than we do
HEY!!!
I resemble that remark! _________________________ Find a passion and pursue it.Fall in love.Dream Big.drink wine, eat good food and spend quality time with good friends.laugh everyday.tell stories. learn more. never give up. be grateful try new things be. happy. and above all, make every moment count.
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#84715 - 03/22/11 12:23 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: gr8 day 2b alive] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 OK, I have had a good last week. Fun times with friends, played some hooky from work to watch tourney games at bar/restaurant, also some fun times with my girls. We had dinner at neighbors and played with their kiddos. They had their swim lessons and dance lessons. Good times all around.
But I am writing now because I had a TOTALLY SURREAL experience today at the city park....
So I went there go meet up with my running group but got there too late, they had taken off. I took a guess which way they had gone and set off to try to catch them. It was sunny and started raining torrentially (still sunny). So, I'm cruising through the sun rain guessing they are in a part of the park with all these arches and fountains to run around. As I crest this hilly corner, I see a mess of people (maybe 50, not my runners) standing totally still looking up at the sky. I follow their gaze up and see the biggest double rainbow (OMG) I've ever seen. It was EPIC. Full on, all the way across, both sides touching down, both sides doubled. It was so bright and near at both bottoms, I almost felt like I could run into the bottom and bathe in the spectrum.
So I slow a bit to enjoy, then take off again to try to find/catch them. After about a mile, I am running by the zoo in the shadow of the double rainbow, turn a corner, and CRASH headlong into a woman runner.
When we get up, I realize it's my next door neighbor (we live like 30miles from this park!!!). She is there doing a hash (a run with beer) and invites me to join her. Since I can't find my group I say sure. So we're running along talking (in the shadow of the double rainbow), and she says why don't you come to the end of the run with me (they have a party with beer and food at the end of the runs). So I say sure why not. It's in the old train museum where I guess some of the other hashers work. And they have it open for just the runners. So we get beers and she starts touring me around the museum.
Then she asks me how the family is doing, she hasn't seen us much lately. I tell her that me and W are separated, the kids are doing well, etc. etc. She says oh really, me and my husband are getting divorced too. Then I feel her eyeing me up and down. We're like in this back dark corner of the train museum. She starts with crazy eye contact and saying I should come over to talk about stuff with her and starts touching me. So I say, u know neighbor I really should be going,my running group may be looking for me cause I txt'ed them. She hugs me and repeats that I should come over to talk and I get the hell out of Dodge.
I run back to the starting point of the run and my running group is there. They ask where I was. I answered, "I was in the back of the train museum drinking hash beer surrounded by model trains getting hit on by my divorcing next door neighbor in the shadow of a double rainbow."
Edited by bustorama (03/22/11 12:26 AM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#84719 - 03/22/11 12:33 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Danf Member
Registered: 10/17/10 Posts: 4320 Loc: WI Sweet!
Sounds like a great night Busto! I think you should have let her hit on you some more though! Good for the ego.
_________________________ Me45 D Final(sort of) 7/13/11
My life has been extraordinary, blessed and cursed at once. (Billy Corgan - Smashing Pumpkins)
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#84720 - 03/22/11 12:39 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] pookie69 Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Originally Posted By: bustorama So, I'm cruising through the sun rain guessing they are in a part of the park with all these arches and fountains to run around. As I crest this hilly corner, I see a mess of people (maybe 50, not my runners) standing totally still looking up at the sky. I follow their gaze up and see the biggest double rainbow (OMG) I've ever seen. It was EPIC. Full on, all the way across, both sides touching down, both sides doubled. It was so bright and near at both bottoms, I almost felt like I could run into the bottom and bathe in the spectrum.
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
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#84742 - 03/22/11 06:34 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: pookie69] piano Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 1641 Loc: far flung Love that story Bustorama! Was it divine intervention?!! LOL! _________________________ Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Kierkegaard.
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#84780 - 03/22/11 10:08 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Coach Member
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Quote: "I was in the back of the train museum drinking hash beer surrounded by model trains getting hit on by my divorcing next door neighbor in the shadow of a double rainbow."
Like they believed that one. crazy smirk grin thumbsup _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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#84782 - 03/22/11 10:12 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: piano] CajunRose Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX That's hilarious. I've always thought rainbows were a sign of something wonderful - whether it's about to happen or is blessing something that already happened. A double rainbow should be a sign that there's something really great in the works for you smile _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
