Stop stepping on your own toes and get out of your own way.
Calling in the Mariachis now... _________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 Next time she does it, text her back and say text to me what has changed, and I'll see if I want to talk to you. That way, she has to explain in REAL words why you should talk to her.
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#69922 - 02/15/11 09:14 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: catperson] gr8 day 2b alive Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 1286 Loc: Brotherly Love Busto, I had the same exact convo with my W months ago. She is lost and confused.
I remember asking my W what she wanted. She told me she didn't know. I told her I am in a good place right now and I am happy. I then asked her what makes you happy? She again she she didn't know. I then said you need to find that out.
Don't settle for these little attempts by her to test your feelings. Be strong turn the focus on her. She need to address her own fears.
You are on the verge of her turning things around. Be strong, continue to do what your doing and don't make the mistake I made:
Do not envision the two of you together again. Do not think about future plans with her and the family. These thoughts will only turn you to a melty man.
Make her work for it. If she wants it, she'll do the work. Be a challenge for her.
gr8 _________________________ Find a passion and pursue it.Fall in love.Dream Big.drink wine, eat good food and spend quality time with good friends.laugh everyday.tell stories. learn more. never give up. be grateful try new things be. happy. and above all, make every moment count.
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#69938 - 02/15/11 09:56 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] So Inspired Member
Registered: 11/18/10 Posts: 198 Originally Posted By: bustorama False starts, false hope. Ugh. I had hoped at the time that it was the universal code for 'something has changed.'
I would have gotten my hopes up too. Sorry. _________________________ You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be.
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#69943 - 02/15/11 10:12 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: So Inspired] pookie69 Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Originally Posted By: So Ashamed Originally Posted By: bustorama False starts, false hope. Ugh. I had hoped at the time that it was the universal code for 'something has changed.'
I would have gotten my hopes up too. Sorry.
No expectations, no disappointment.
You know the drill, Busto.
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
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#70046 - 02/15/11 01:54 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: pookie69] kimmie lee Member
Registered: 11/08/10 Posts: 2738 Loc: SEATTLE, WA Yeah, calling, crying, and "I don't know" is not really helpful.
I wouldn't take any more of her calls until she "knows" something. _________________________ THE FOG comes on little cat feet.
It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on....C. Sandburg
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Quote: Yeah, calling, crying, and "I don't know" is not really helpful.
I wouldn't take any more of her calls until she "knows" something.
Help her know the man she is apart from. Fight her feelings with feelings until her thinking changes.
Don't chase cats. You have been given some great advice from CP she speaks catnip.
Cheers _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 A little more strangeness, I had girls this past wknd.
First Saturday night, W texted me saying, She really needed to get to work on herself over the next month. That she was a mess.
Then Sunday AM, W texted me asking to let the girls know that she was going to church and thinking of them (I think that's the first time she's gone to church since she moved out, not sure).
I didn't respond to either of these.
So, today, I dropped the girls off at W's on my way to the gym. I dropped D5 off with her bike and helmet because W had texted saying she wanted to take them to the park (D5 still only has one bike between us).
The park is right down the street from the house, so W texts me a little while ago and asks me if I want to come join them. I texted back no thanks. She texted why not. I texted Because nothing has changed.
Am I still doing this right?
The dim/NC rule with texts is only to respond to questions that involve the kids or finances, right? Basically ignore everything else? _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX I think you responded the right way. She needs to fix her part before dragging you back in. _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Quote: I texted back no thanks. She texted why not.
Drop the bomb back on her.
"I have been doing a lot of thinking and I need to be clear headed on my future. I need to decide what is best for me and the kids so I need some time alone to think."
It's only strange because you are letting her lead. Once you lead the way becomes clear. _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Registered: 12/22/10 Posts: 1358 I agree with Coach.
She keeps telling you she is a mess but so far has done nothing but complain and announce she is a mess. At some point you just have to figure these people make noise just to hear themselves speak and garner further attention and coddling.
That is why I think telling her "no thanks" isn't enough anymore. This has been an ongoing issue with your W. Very clear and brief messages with information are better suited as a response than just a "no".
Eventually she will hear it enough to shape up or be quiet again. But a 'no' allows her to keep asking.
WAS's don't get to ask 'why'. So try and find a good response to 'why'.
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Yes, I see how it changes the dynamic if I put it that way.
She just texted me now saying that our D3 went in the potty (we have been having problems getting her to finish potty training, she has sort of regressed/stalled with the separation). I'm not sure if I should respond to that with something like:
1) That's great! (since it's kid-oriented?)
2) No response, there is no important question involving the kids, no need to respond
3) A request for her to stop texting me, that this situation and her texting me is not working for me, and I want my space and time away from her (a reiteration of the "this is not working for me" from late Dec. along the lines of what Coach posted above).
??
Edited by bustorama (02/21/11 11:26 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#72870 - 02/22/11 08:43 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Coach Member
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Quote: She just texted me now saying that our D3 went in the potty
No text response. Next time you see your D3 make a big deal about praising her. "Mommy told me how good of a job you done using the potty! That's awesome!" Do it right at the exchange so your wife knows you listen and are still parenting with her from afar. Ooze confidence and sexiness and just go about your business. Busy men don't text much. _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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#72888 - 02/22/11 10:20 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Coach] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 OK, good, this is exactly where my intuition was! _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Had nice day with girls yesterday. D5 was out of school so we went to science museum (saw IMAX Galapagos) then to local theme park. This AM, I took D5 to play therapy then D3 to her make-up dance class. She did so much better at this one than she did with the past weekend one (where she had a meltdown).
I'm gonna go pick up some trail running shoes and homebrew supplies later this week. I have a new guy friend that also brews that is probably gonna come over on Sunday and brew with. What else, hmm...Talked to another college roomie of mine on the phone last night. We coordinated our flights to reunion so we could go to/from airport together and share rental. I hadn't talked to him since before I had decided to go NC and begin moving on, and he was very enthusiastic, saying it was definitely a good thing for me. To stick with it and good things would happen one way or the other.
W tried calling me earlier today on cell (I didn't answer, no voicemail). It's a strange game she is playing, since I was explicit with her that I only wanted to text and email and only about urgent child-related matters or finances. Will see her later today for a child exchange. Calm, cool, collected, sexy time (vurry nice, vurrry nice).
EDIT: I just noticed she sent me a funny youtube video link yesterday. No reply, too busy, too sexy, etc. etc.
Edited by bustorama (02/23/11 04:20 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Got back from mellow 5-miler with my running group along the Bay. I'm looking forward to the daylight saving time change when those runs will be at sunset again! Tonight's a catch up day around the house (girls not here).
I got an odd txt from my W tonight thanking me for a photo calendar of the girls I had made her for Christmas (with some other stuff). Text said:
"LOVE the calendar!! Thank you for making it!!"
It's like she is an alternate universe or something. 2 months ago?!??!! REALLY?!?! (not to mention another violation of NC) I guess that's disrespectful of me to say, but I don't understand where this is coming from.
BTW, what is the MO on responding to this? Based on previous stuff, my intuition is to acknowledge her thank you in person at kid exchange (rather than to ignore it outright or respond in text?). "Oh yeah, I'm glad you liked the calendar! I made it thinking you'd love being able to look up and see the girls whenever you wanted to, and I thought you guys looked great in those pics."
BTW, that's a general question for when dim -- when there is the minimal contact in context of kid exchanges and I am supposed to be calm, cool, collective and oozing confidence and sexiness, does that include pointed heartfelt compliments if there is occasion (like if she really does look good that day or did something I appreciate with the girls, etc, etc.)??? Or should I mute those and not give any signs of pursuit at all until she shows signs of some kind on her end indicating increased respect or interest in either me or the R?
Edited by bustorama (02/24/11 12:52 AM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 1258 I think you do know where this is coming from. _________________________ Me: 36 D9 and D3 Divorce final july 2010
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#73806 - 02/24/11 12:17 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Violin] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Not really, Violin.
Like I mean it is possible that the dimness has reoriented some of her attention towards me (or missing the idea of "whole family", or wanting to be sure I am still there as "backup plan", not really sure mind reading here, it could be any number of things). But it's also possible that maybe she is just so far behind on household stuff at her place that she just got to organizing her Christmas presents? Or she just finally decided to put the calendar up somewhere, who knows?
The thing is the same sort of stuff kind of happened in the fall when I wasn't calling or texting her, etc. She would call out of the blue and invite me to go do something with her, but they all were 'garden paths' Didn't really lead to anything. From where I sit, it seems like she comes in and out of her fog and notices, oh yeah, look at this calendar, oh yeah, I guess I haven't talked to Busto in a week (or two), I wonder what he is doing, then she would get her fix and go back to her WAS world.
Edited by bustorama (02/24/11 12:50 AM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#73824 - 02/24/11 01:00 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] CajunRose Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX I think you've answered yourself - she gets her fix of yu and then is back in her own world. So do something different - don't give her the fix. Don't acknowledge the text. See how creative she can be in trying to tempt you into talking to her. _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 Don't acknowledge her. If she brings it up at exchange, repeat "I have nothing to say to you unless you're ready to address my requirements for this marriage."
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: catperson Don't acknowledge her. If she brings it up at exchange, repeat "I have nothing to say to you unless you're ready to address my requirements for this marriage."
Hmm, I guess this is the part I'm not sure of. The above to me still sounds like I am hung up on her and the marriage, it's like indirect pursuit and seems like pressuring through words -- change your behavior. If I'm really just sort of done with things and moving on because the whole sitch isn't working for me, why would I even address the marriage? Help me understand here.
Edited by bustorama (02/24/11 01:10 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 5058 Loc: TX I think if she were to ask "Did you get my text?" or something I'd just say "Yup" and leave it at that. Don't volunteer, but don't be hung up on the marriage either. _________________________ D6, S2
I didn't recover my marriage; I recovered me.
Separated Oct 2010 Divorced Jun 2011 New journey Nov 2011 with Night + D4
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#74028 - 02/24/11 02:18 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: catperson] LovingAnyway Board of Directors Treasurer Member
Registered: 08/05/10 Posts: 2214 If she brings up the calendar in person, say "You're welcome."
That's it. Stop.
Cajun is correct...don't give her the fix. Which would be you sharing you're glad she likes your gift. That's meeting the EN of honesty, intimacy...sharing your stuff with her.
However, even to a stranger saying "thank you" for something, your minimum boundary of respect is "you're welcome."
Acknowledges their appreciation.
Get your nose out of her stuff. You don't know. You don't know right now. She isn't telling you why she's doing what she's doing. You don't need to know...
you need to focus on what you're doing/not doing and why. Period. For you, about you and your own boundaries.
That's the big picture...you've got a good handle on text/email...and non-response when she crosses that boundary. Stick to those. Be what you crave from her most...consistency, clarity, understanding.
Be consistent with yourself...go for clarity and understanding in your own mind and heart.
Stop there.
You're doing really well staying connected to old friends, minding your own plans, your GAL actions...seems like there's only a tad of confusion, hesitation, when you turn your thoughts to dwelling in HER thoughts...yucky, messy, confusing place to be.
Don't go there.
LA _________________________ The Paradoxical Commandments
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." Mark Twain
I don't really see it as a question of whether I am done or not done. I think there are three things I'm thinking about, each having to do with what I would like to communicate to my W.
One is that she has said to me through most of her words and actions that she does not want this M/R. If I say to her that I am not speaking to her until she meets my requirements for the M/R, then, to me, it seems that I am essentially invalidating her (I would be indirectly pursuing an M/R, while she says she doesn't want an M/R). I do not want to invalidate her. From my point of view, if there is going to be any discussion of requirements for an M/R, it will take her saying or doing something indicating that she WANTS an M/R with me. Otherwise, it seems to me, I am basically telling her that I don't care what she wants. Does this make sense?
The second is that I want to keep communicating that this situation and the way I'm being treated in it is unacceptable to me (boundary enforcement). In a case where she was interested in an M/R, then what you say is a perfectly good boundary enforcement. But, since she has told me she isn't interested in it, I'm basically left with just removing myself from the situation and doing something else that I do want. No?
The third is that by saying I won't speak to you unless you meet my requirements for M, that also may indirectly communicate to W that I am waiting here for her to come around (low value in RobX's lingo). If I go about my business and do my own thing, it communicates that I am not waiting for her to come around, no? I will live my life.
Edited by bustorama (02/24/11 02:43 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
