Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: believer What happened to the "this isn't working for me?"
Heh, I know, I know, I did get back to it by the end.
I let myself be drawn back into the drama mthinking she was wanting to work on R and didn't want us to get D'd based on her reaction to the "reality." It was clearly a false or premature hope. When she didn't say she was all in to the relationship or wanted to try or similar, I should have said at that point, "then nothing has changed, this still doesn't work for me."
A problem for me is that I think she DOES view what she is doing (IC/personal recovery) as "trying" for the R also (even as we are separated, not in couples counseling, not spending 1-on-1 time together). She declined all of those requests. I guess if she wants the R, she will just have to try harder. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Originally Posted By: bustorama Understood. Tough because I do still love her, and she's my babies' mama. I hate seeing her as messed up as she is both for her and for them.
I do need to look out for myself and my girls FIRST, though.
Something that disturbed me in her ranting about restraining orders 2 days ago is that she said she was going to try to make it so I was just an every other weekend dad. I hope she isn't really thinking that. Seems like it would be pretty hard for her to attain given that the status quo for 7 months has been 50/50 and she has been struggling with that even.
It's time my friend.
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Ya, I know, I did the this is "not working for me" again to end the convo. Now I just need to stick with it to conclusion (unless she sends a CLEAR message that she really wants to work on things).
Edited by bustorama (12/20/10 07:50 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Precicely. _________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 When they finally get it, you don't have to read between the lines, discuss things, wonder what if. When they get it, they will show you by their actions and you will have no doubt.
You are just prolonging the agony and teaching your wife that this IS working for you.
And it is sad because in your wife's eyes you are un-F-able, and as long as you let her carry the football, you will remain that way.
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Originally Posted By: believer When they finally get it, you don't have to read between the lines, discuss things, wonder what if. When they get it, they will show you by their actions and you will have no doubt.
You are just prolonging the agony and teaching your wife that this IS working for you.
And it is sad because in your wife's eyes you are un-F-able, and as long as you let her carry the football, you will remain that way.
I am glad I did not say that. grin
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Yeah, I can see quite the rollercoaster ride ahead based on her reactions just over the last two days.
First day was the ranting and raving.
Second day was the sympathy "things have gotten worse in our R and I don't like that."
FWIW, I don't think she will come around. She has said in the past that she has NEVER come back from emotional shutdown ("losing romantic feelings") in any relationship she has been in. I think part of that is because she has problems forgiving/letting go of hurts and stores resentment like a squirrel. She pinpoints the date of losing her romantic feelings as May 2009 when we went to Vancouver and she discovered I had still been playing the game on which I met the women I had EAs with. So it's been 1.5 years since then.
I think I will take the football to the endzone with her flinging beer bottles at me all the way to "the house." _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
That's the only chance you got to be f-able again.
Don't let the beer bottles hurt you on the way.
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 You wanna know something funny? Her guy cousin msg'ed me on FB a couple of nights ago to chew me out about the EAs (I guess he just found out why we were separated). So I took my lumps.
At the end of it I told him, yeah I've been pursuing her and it's been getting us nowhere.
And he goes, dawg, stop calling her, stop texting her, leave her the [Bleep!] alone. That's high school stuff. I'll put in a good word for you.
Edited by bustorama (12/20/10 08:10 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: believer I don't know if she will come around either. But she is quite attached to you, and you seem to be quite attractive.
Stop creeping my facebook. j/k wink
Originally Posted By: believer Try it for 2 weeks. You can do that, can't you?
Yeah, I have no problem with not initiating stuff to her. The tricky part for me is when she calls. If it's girl-related, I should be cheerful but in a hurry to get off the phone?
If it's not girl-related, then what?
It's hard for me not to meet emotional needs now because it's like second habit to me. I want to get off the phone (or avoid phone) before I start meeting EN's, right?
Edited by bustorama (12/20/10 08:15 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 Get rid of second nature and become F-able.
You told her it isn't working for you. She wants to keep running with the football.
Do your part with the girls. Then be very busy. Don't answer her calls, don't discuss presents, don't discuss relationship, NOTHING. Tell her you will get back to her and then don't do it.
If you aren't busy, then get your new life going.
If you were to do this for 2 weeks I would be very surprised if things don't turn around.
_________________________ In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
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#43964 - 01/03/11 02:41 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: believer] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Ran 10 miles today along coast with my running group. Nice scene out there with tons of other runners (it's the peak distance long run weekend for most people running along this marathon/half marathon course in 3 weeks). Said hi to everyone going by, lol.
Went out to lunch with group afterwards for all you can eat extravaganza. Met some new folks.
Took down all my Xmas stuff and took tree to recycling
Some goals for this week: 1) Continue spinning/running training 2) One "mini" house project every other day 3) Finalize 2 papers/revisions to send out for work 4) Hang out with one of my friends after work on Wednesday 5) Call and catch up with two of my friends at some point in week 6) Hang out with D's Tues and Thurs. If I catch up with work maybe have neighbors over Thurs night to play with younger D's. This may have to wait. 7) Take minivan to shop for bumper repair in anticipation of selling it. 8) Nighttime reading of His Needs, Her Needs 9) Finalize selection of shutters and exterior painter 10) Make big "to-do" list for next 1-2 months _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#44013 - 01/03/11 09:28 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] catperson Member
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 GREAT plans! You're miles ahead of me (as I sit here looking at piles of crap to go through).
One thing that's helped me a lot if you have big projects you don't want to tackle cos they're so big...get a kitchen timer and bring it with you to the first room you're working on. Set it for 15 or 30 minutes. Work like mad until the buzzer; then on to the next room and do the same. Do this for a few days, and you can make huge dents in all those projects, without feeling like you're in a prison sentence.
lol, it's the only way I can get DD20 to work on stuff with me - her knowing it'll only last 15 minutes. Of course, once we get started, she doesn't want to stop; it's just that initial step.
Some goals for this week: 1) Continue spinning/running training Left knee sore since Sunday's long run. This PM with running group will be first run since Sunday. Will do an easy 5.
2) One "mini" house project every other day Pulled and reseated two toilets, replaced stem valves and handle on shower, did huge backlog of bills, filed bills, took some old D2 clothes to Goodwill). Tons more to do.
3) Finalize 2 papers/revisions to send out for work Finished 70-page paper. Sent out revision of another paper for review. Working on another revision now
4) Hang out with one of my friends after work on Wednesday Gonna have dinner and drinks with running buddies after our run tonight.
5) Call and catch up with two of my friends at some point in week Need to do this. Did call my folks and sis earlier in the week, though.
6) Hang out with D's Tues and Thurs. If I catch up with work maybe have neighbors over Thurs night to play with younger D's. This may have to wait. Ate out with Ds last night. Helped D5 with homework and read to them some. Neighbors will have to wait til next week
7) Take minivan to shop for bumper repair in anticipation of selling it. Still to do
8) Nighttime reading of His Needs, Her Needs Still to do
9) Finalize selection of shutters and exterior painter I've picked them. Just need to call them and put down the initial payments now (ugh)
10) Make big "to-do" list for next 1-2 months It's hideously long
So, one question for you guys. D2 is turning D3 next week. How are you supposed to deal with birthdays when you are "dark"? D2 has been saying that she wants everyone to go to Disneyland for her birthday.
Edited by bustorama (01/05/11 05:57 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Light a candle. _________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 IF you are dark, then you do something for the birthday, and your wife does something else. It is exactly like it would be if you were to end up divorced.
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Well, that's the thing. With my first wife, we DO do things jointly for our daughter on her birthday (we do joint birthday parties, we even went to Disneyland jointly once with our respective families, new spouses, etc. and stayed in nearby hotel rooms).
I do remember, however, that when we were actively splitting up (I split up from her), she had a birthday party for our daughter and didn't invite me. She even asked me to bring the ice chests to her for the party she was throwing for our daughter, heh. Maybe that was her being "dark" on me? It took us awhile to get "back" to having joint parties.
Edited by bustorama (01/05/11 07:08 PM) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 That is fine. And if you get divorced from this wife, then you can have joint parties again.
But you need to be going dark to try to save your marriage.
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#45778 - 01/06/11 12:53 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: believer] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Yeah, I need to figure something appropriately dim/dark for the bday balanced against the wishes of D2.
I had a good run tonight with my group. Went faster than my usual pace and still finished good. Went out for dinner and beers afterwards. I had some carne asada macaroni and cheese with jalapenos with 2 Stone IPA's. Bitchin. Met some new people, good times.
Random runner girl came up to me near end of night and started saying "bye Jimbo it was great talking to you (I had never seen her before and my name does not resemble Jimbo). Told her I was not Jimbo, but I could be if she liked. She started getting super touchy feely and affectionate. Asked her her name. Was the same as my W's. Oh. the games our Muses play. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#45798 - 01/06/11 01:42 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] catperson Member
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 busto, PLEASE don't make the mistake of thinking it is your job to make a 2 year old happy.
It is your job to make her feel safe by giving her a CONSISTENT set of rules that ALL kids have to follow. She may not be happy each and every day, but then...what are you teaching her by making her think that?
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#45863 - 01/06/11 10:06 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Not2fun Member
Registered: 09/06/10 Posts: 1388 Loc: Gateway to the West Originally Posted By: bustorama Random runner girl came up to me near end of night and started saying "bye Jimbo it was great talking to you (I had never seen her before and my name does not resemble Jimbo). Told her I was not Jimbo, but I could be if she liked. She started getting super touchy feely and affectionate. Asked her her name. Was the same as my W's. Oh. the games our Muses play.
Quite frankly, you are doing your wife a favor by divorcing her. For the one having had the affairs in this marriage, you sure are not displaying having learned any lessons from them.....tis a shame too...
Not2fun _________________________ If you aren't being transparent, then you aren't being authentic. If you aren't being authentic, then you are being a hypocrite."
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#45905 - 01/06/11 11:38 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Not2fun] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: Not2fun Originally Posted By: bustorama Random runner girl came up to me near end of night and started saying "bye Jimbo it was great talking to you (I had never seen her before and my name does not resemble Jimbo). Told her I was not Jimbo, but I could be if she liked. She started getting super touchy feely and affectionate. Asked her her name. Was the same as my W's. Oh. the games our Muses play.
Quite frankly, you are doing your wife a favor by divorcing her. For the one having had the affairs in this marriage, you sure are not displaying having learned any lessons from them.....tis a shame too...
I appreciate your honesty, Not2Fun, but I do not agree with you on this point. My EA's were in August-September of 2008. I have been trying in many different ways to repair things with my W since then. I have not been emotionally or physically intimate with ANY woman since October of 2008 (my W), yes, OVER 2 years. I have been propositioned/pursued MANY times in the interim and have never reciprocated. It may not be clear to you from how things come across on-line, but I am a joker, and I was not reciprocating this advance either. I find humor in almost everything.
Regarding the serious matter of affairs and boundary crossing, I have developed self-control and will continue to exercise it, as I did last night. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
