(Fortunately, I ended up not pursuing the SPYING strategy that some people were advocating below. I ultimately found out that my W was NOT in an A, despite what the circumstances appeared at the time).
Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] believer Member
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 Drinking eases the pain, but is never a good solution. Feels good for a time, but the next morning, the problems are still there.
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: believer Drinking eases the pain, but is never a good solution. Feels good for a time, but the next morning, the problems are still there.
What could you do differently?
Thanks.
1) Get back into daily exercise
2) Take an extra second before I say stuff to make sure I don't respond impulsively or from emotion
3) Build time into day for gratitude/thankful lists to self-adjust mood
4) Review my remorse/regret lists to build back up patience/empathy for W
5) H-A-L-T myself (hungry, anger, lonely, tired). If I'm any of those 4, don't engage or at least avoid conflict conversations
6) Avoid selfish demands of W concerning R
7) Journal or post on here for support/venting
8) Do unrelated activity to distract my mind
9) Play more with D's. They always help lift my mood and I'm sure could use my love as well.
10) Call a friend or sis. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 Sounds like you have thought this out. My suggestion is to start working on your plan. It may be hard at first, but don't give up.
HALT sounds like something from AA. Have you ever been there? _________________________ In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
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#34250 - 12/11/10 09:59 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Gucci Loafer Member
Registered: 11/28/10 Posts: 71 Quote: What if my presence/sharing vis-a-vis R seems unwelcome? She has said before, for example, that 'we are not together', 'I don't want to work on us', 'since we split up', 'I don't want you to have expectations,' 'I'm not even sure if I still have any feelings for you anymore' etc. etc. Signs (to me) that my seeking intimacy (especially through talking) would be unwelcome and even selfish.
Chasing and pursuing a woman who says these types of things is nothing more than a waste of time. A total waste. How sad. Any man who chases, pursues or tries to keep winning a woman who says these things to him is destined for failure. She will NEVER come back UNTIL you can show her you have let her go for good.
You DO realize that there is another man in the picture here don't you? Or are you in denial like so many others? This is classic of what a woman does when there is another man involved.
Wake up Buster. What you are doing with footrubs, compliment after compliment, trying to be the best "validater" in the history of the world, and these other wimpy actions is NEVER and I mean NEVER going to get your wife back to loving you. These things actually TURN WOMEN OFF...
Get some backbone and show her you do NOT need this and will NOT chase a woman who SAYS she doesn't want you anymore. She is playing you like a fiddle.
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#34257 - 12/11/10 10:24 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: believer] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: believer Sounds like you have thought this out. My suggestion is to start working on your plan. It may be hard at first, but don't give up.
HALT sounds like something from AA. Have you ever been there?
Not sure where it's from originally. I picked it up from Coach. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#34261 - 12/11/10 10:43 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Gucci Loafer] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Thanks for chiming in, Gucci. For the record, there have not been any footubs since August.
Originally Posted By: Gucci Loafer You DO realize that there is another man in the picture here don't you? Or are you in denial like so many others? This is classic of what a woman does when there is another man involved.
I have tried and tried to see any concrete evidence of that in the present and have been unable to. It almost would be easier for me if I could find any because I would give the gucci/robx speech in a millisecond. I'm sure there is no PA. She has essentially no free time. When she doesn't have kids, she spends most of her free time working on caseload at home or depressed. She seems more to be in manhater mode (all men will betray you, every man in my life has betrayed me, men are so entitled -- they think they can hurt you and then you will come running back to them anyway, etc.).
Originally Posted By: Gucci Loafer Quote: She has said before that 'we are not together', 'I don't want to work on us', 'since we split up', 'I don't want you to have expectations,' 'I'm not even sure if I still have any feelings for you anymore' etc. etc. Signs (to me) that my seeking intimacy (especially through talking) would be unwelcome and even selfish.
Chasing and pursuing a woman who says these types of things is nothing more than a waste of time. A total waste. How sad. ....She will NEVER come back UNTIL you can show her you have let her go for good....Get some backbone and show her you do NOT need this and will NOT chase a woman who SAYS she doesn't want you anymore. She is playing you like a fiddle.
I am curious. Is ANYONE from the MB board aware of ANY people who repaired their marriage while separated or divorce-bound via "engaging/pursuing/love bucket-filling behaviors" as opposed to "moving on/setting them free" behaviors?
If so, could links to such success stories be posted?
I am aware of the successes with the "moving on" behaviors from DB. All of those that I am aware of, however, seem to involve affairs on the WW spouse's part or no affair. Rather than a past affair on the "LBS" (FWS) part, as in my case. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#34263 - 12/11/10 10:46 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: bustorama Thanks for chiming in, Gucci. For the record, there have not been any footubs since August.
[quote=Gucci Loafer] You DO realize that there is another man in the picture here don't you? Or are you in denial like so many others? This is classic of what a woman does when there is another man involved.
BTW, what do you see as the main evidences of other man in picture? I used to question the txt'ing / FB'ing, but every time I have been suspicious of her activity and managed to sneak a glance at what she is doing, she always is texting a GF. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#34265 - 12/11/10 10:55 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] pookie69 Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Originally Posted By: bustorama BTW, what do you see as the main evidences of other man in picture? I used to question the txt'ing / FB'ing, but every time I have been suspicious of her activity and managed to sneak a glance at what she is doing, she always is texting a GF.
Maybe she moved to the other side. crazy
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
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#34267 - 12/11/10 10:59 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: pookie69] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: pookie69 Originally Posted By: bustorama BTW, what do you see as the main evidences of other man in picture? I used to question the txt'ing / FB'ing, but every time I have been suspicious of her activity and managed to sneak a glance at what she is doing, she always is texting a GF.
Maybe she moved to the other side. crazy
Hehe. During her manhating spew, she actually has pulled out the I JUST NEED TO BECOME A LESBIAN bit. I think it IS true that she is getting some of her emotional needs met by new GF's though.
_________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/28/10 Posts: 71 Quote: BTW, what do you see as the main evidences of other man in picture? I used to question the txt'ing / FB'ing, but every time I have been suspicious of her activity and managed to sneak a glance at what she is doing, she always is texting a GF.
1) not wanting to work things out with you 2)moving out 3)going out with her gf..(the WS ALMOST ALWAYS uses their "friend or friends" as their cover... Almost ALWAYS.. 4)not wanting sex with you/ getting mad when you flirt(this shows her heart is with someone else and she feels she is betraying him if she gives in to you) 5) over twenty five years of observing these things and seeing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
The gf is her cover. Bank on it. She knows you will fall for the gf excuses. (and YOU ARE falling for it)
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 I see a couple of things in your thread that make me think there is another person -
She moved out Doesn't want sex with you Wants to be "friends" Wants to work on herself Confused about what she wants Won't go out with you without the kids Is "afraid" of you Declined going to MC Interested in electrolysis on bikini line (in DECEMBER????) Angry when you are around her family Your family is banned from her FB Texting at wedding and then angry when you confronted her, using the classic "Any trust gained is now destroyed"
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 And as to your question about men that have saved their marriage with MB, there are lots of them.
Mark posts here, 2long, Marcos and I'm sure there are more.
But the trick is to know what you are fighting. If there is an affair you need to know about it and expose it. Then you meet emotional needs with no lovebusting (angry outbursts, etc) for a short time.
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 Originally Posted By: Gucci Loafer Quote: BTW, what do you see as the main evidences of other man in picture? I used to question the txt'ing / FB'ing, but every time I have been suspicious of her activity and managed to sneak a glance at what she is doing, she always is texting a GF.
1) not wanting to work things out with you 2)moving out 3)going out with her gf..(the WS ALMOST ALWAYS uses their "friend or friends" as their cover... Almost ALWAYS.. 4)not wanting sex with you/ getting mad when you flirt(this shows her heart is with someone else and she feels she is betraying him if she gives in to you) 5) over twenty five years of observing these things and seeing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
The gf is her cover. Bank on it. She knows you will fall for the gf excuses. (and YOU ARE falling for it) I could see myself doing those things, and there's no way in hell I would ever have another guy in my life. OR a girl.
Registered: 09/06/10 Posts: 1388 Loc: Gateway to the West Originally Posted By: bustorama On way to retrieve her car from wedding hotel, W starts lamenting about how miserable her life is, about her neglectful parents, her abusive first boyfriend, her bad relationships, me cheating on her, and D5 being mean and abusive to her. D5 then says from back seat, Mom, I am sad that you made a second home. W just buries her head in her hands saying what's next. I told her I was sorry she was feeling the way she way, I really was.
Why did you say the part I highlighted?
(I'm a seriously asking this....)
Not2fun _________________________ If you aren't being transparent, then you aren't being authentic. If you aren't being authentic, then you are being a hypocrite."
Registered: 10/16/10 Posts: 59 Originally Posted By: believer I see a couple of things in your thread that make me think there is another person -
She moved out Doesn't want sex with you Wants to be "friends" Wants to work on herself Confused about what she wants Won't go out with you without the kids Is "afraid" of you Declined going to MC Interested in electrolysis on bikini line (in DECEMBER????) Angry when you are around her family Your family is banned from her FB Texting at wedding and then angry when you confronted her, using the classic "Any trust gained is now destroyed"
Hi Busto,
I have to agree here.
You might want to up your investigative work and "verify".
My 2 reasons are 1) the texting incident and 2) her crap attitude towards you is getting out of hand. She either needs help or there is someone else(OW or OM).
Nobody that works as hard as you have deserves this treatment and it's called Emotional Abuse. This is and should be your N.U.T.
You backslid but not as bad as you think. She just wants to find fault and seems like she's waiting for you to screw up so she can verbally assault you. You have to end this crap behavior by any means necessary. Even if you have to pull the Robx speech now.
Validating and trying to meet her needs right now is NOT working. Abuse is not acceptable even if you can take it.
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: believer I see a couple of things in your thread that make me think there is another person -
She moved out Doesn't want sex with you Wants to be "friends" Wants to work on herself Confused about what she wants Won't go out with you without the kids Is "afraid" of you Declined going to MC Interested in electrolysis on bikini line (in DECEMBER????) Angry when you are around her family Your family is banned from her FB Texting at wedding and then angry when you confronted her, using the classic "Any trust gained is now destroyed"
See I go back and forth between thinking along the lines of you and Gucci vs. along the lines of Catperson. When I think how you guys think is when I do the confronting thing and when she responds with the great anger. But even that response, to me, seems ambiguous. Maybe to ask another way, how are the above INCOMPATIBLE with the I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE idea. Or is it just that I WANT TO BE ALONE is much rarer than a hidden A?
To naive me, all of the above are ambiguous between being with OM vs. wanting to be alone and just being pissed off to hell and scared of me. If there is an EA (or other type of affair going on), I would need better intel. She wants to get photoshop on her laptop and that might be an opportunity for me to install a keylogger and get to the bottom of this? Good idea vs. bad idea? _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: Not2fun Originally Posted By: bustorama On way to retrieve her car from wedding hotel, W starts lamenting about how miserable her life is, about her neglectful parents, her abusive first boyfriend, her bad relationships, me cheating on her, and D5 being mean and abusive to her. D5 then says from back seat, Mom, I am sad that you made a second home. W just buries her head in her hands saying what's next. I told her I was sorry she was feeling the way she way, I really was.
Why did you say the part I highlighted?
(I'm a seriously asking this....)
Not2fun
Because I really am sorry she feels that way? If those are her feelings, they sound to me like it would suck to feel that way. (oh, I was saying it in response to her feelings, not in response to her "what's next" statement if that's what your question was about?) _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 09/02/10 Posts: 12109 I think you need to install a keylogger. Webwatch and Spectro are good. Put a GPS in her car.
This is war and you need to know the enemy. _________________________ In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: SurvivalnAK Originally Posted By: believer I see a couple of things in your thread that make me think there is another person -
She moved out Doesn't want sex with you Wants to be "friends" Wants to work on herself Confused about what she wants Won't go out with you without the kids Is "afraid" of you Declined going to MC Interested in electrolysis on bikini line (in DECEMBER????) Angry when you are around her family Your family is banned from her FB Texting at wedding and then angry when you confronted her, using the classic "Any trust gained is now destroyed"
I have to agree here.
You might want to up your investigative work and "verify".
Would you be in favor of me installing a keylogger? I'm not sure how else to get other intel at this point. What are good keyloggers that can send info to me REMOTELY??
Originally Posted By: SurvivalnAK My 2 reasons are 1) the texting incident and 2) her crap attitude towards you is getting out of hand. She either needs help or there is someone else(OW or OM).
The texting incident followed by the story about deactivating FB and THEN reactivating later with my family banned got my antennae up as well. Now that I think about the texting issue, I even said something at the outset of it like, "I don't get this. There must be someone else with how resistant you are being." The alternative is that it is a SOMETHING else (that I really did hurt her so bad that she is permanently done with me or some personal issue of hers from her past abuse that makes her anger long-standing and forgiveness unattainable that is resonating with our sitch).
Re: her CB, that is a long-standing core issue of hers. She has always engaged in CB, learned it at the hand of her mom. Yeah, I do not want to be in any R that has this level of CB, however. I should just walk away or refuse to participate in the relationship further if it keeps up.
_________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: believer I think you need to install a keylogger. Webwatch and Spectro are good. Put a GPS in her car.
This is war and you need to know the enemy.
Can both of these send logs to remote addresses? (or how do they work).
For the GPS, similar question, how are they accessible? _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 From my read, it looks like Webwatcher allows remote monitoring, but Spectro does not. Is that accurate? If so, I'll probably go with Webwatcher. Do you guys have first hand experience with it? Is it AT ALL detectable? I'm totally hosed if she detects it and there is no evidence of A.
_________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
