Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 Well I guess it depends on what you think your plan is. If you think the MB plan works, you would be offering foot rubs or other things that meet their ENs.
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#22852 - 11/17/10 01:00 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: SurvivalnAK] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: SurvivalnAK Busto Man
This is Faith btw, your a smart guy. You know. smile
I'm here, on DB, and you know me on FB.
Just keep doing what you are doing Bro.
Are you going to post on both or here now?
Hey man, thanks for finding me here. I'll probably be posting here now. It was getting too surreal over on DB with the thread locks/edits/poofs. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#22864 - 11/17/10 02:06 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: LovingAnyway] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway Really understanding that amends are constant actions, anyway, why not state them as they occur to you. "Yes, you're correct. I did do that. Here's why I did (the stinkin' thinkin'), and how and why I won't do that again." Doesn't changer her fear...restates your boundary around yourself, recommits to yourself. With her present.
Yeah, I try to do this, but I've definitely noticed that my W only seems to be in the mood to hear amends when SHE initiates talk related to the R (which isn't all that often). In the past, it has always seemed unwelcome when I initiated comment on an amends action I noticed myself doing (even if framed as you did above). She doesn't want to hear about it or asks me to stop -- she sees it as self-serving, pursuing, and pressure, I think.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway How do you even know you won't do the change back if you get her back?
Same way I know I won't stab myself and her in the eye with an ice pick. It may seem like a glib answer, but seeing her pain and feeling my pain leaves a pretty searing memory not to repeat the same mistakes. On top of that basic motivation, I've also built better self-esteem; better social support network; cultivated more ways to make myself happy; and maybe most importantly, developed better communication, listening, and empathizing skills. I'm also more in tune with her needs and family needs, instead of being self-absorbed primarily in my own.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway Your BW will recognize your changes on her own. She chooses to believe in them or not...it's a choice. Over time.
See, this is where we are at a strange point. My wife seems to cognitively understand that I have changed. She describes me as "fixed." Despite this cognitive "recognition" though, she remains "broken and needs to fix herself." She says she is "scared of me." She also said she is scared, "that I will lash out at her at any second." She acknowledges that I have not lashed out at her AT ALL since we have been separated (almost 6 months).
I have NEVER physically touched her, and I am not a "lash out" type person (she has probably yelled at me 20x as much as I have ever yelled at her). I think her fear of me is somehow rooted in a post-traumatic stress reaction to her mom and to her first boyfriend, each of who abused her in some way. Since her first boyfriend, when anyone has emotionally hurt her, she has gone into total shutdown mode. In addition to shutdown, with me now, has come this "fear" aspect. She is working on the post-traumatic stress stuff in her IC now. She herself has said that I do not and for quite some time have not acted in a way that merits fear, yet she remains scared of me (and not just scared of me hurting her emotionally, actually SCARED of me). It's like a disconnect that she herself recognizes between her cognitive reality and her visceral feelings. Ideas?
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway Your patience, presence and awareness do the talking.
What if my presence/sharing vis-a-vis R seems unwelcome? She has said before, for example, that 'we are not together', 'I don't want to work on us', 'since we split up', 'I don't want you to have expectations,' 'I'm not even sure if I still have any feelings for you anymore' etc. etc. Signs (to me) that my seeking intimacy (especially through talking) would be unwelcome and even selfish.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway Can we venture into the "no kids discussion boundary" now? The importance of what D5 told you went to number one on the parenting chart right away. Your kids know about your A's, even if you think they don't...I knew as a child before I knew what A's were...we know. We know when Daddy acts like he does with Mommy, only not with Mommy...is wrong. We know when Daddy on the computer is happy and with Mommy and me isn't...we know we aren't as good as the computer, aren't as likable, even lovable.
I'm actually not sure if my 2 youngest kids have a clear sense of the A's or what is going on. Remember the EAs happened over 2 years ago (August 2008). One of them was 7 months old and the other one had just turned 3. In terms of the computer neglect, during the time that I was compulsively game playing, W was almost as compulsively FBing, so I think they perceived each of us as neglecting them, with each parent angry at the other. They do still see Mom as sad and sometimes angry at Dad now, but I think it confuses them because from their perspective, Dad isn't doing anything (now) to make her unhappy. If anything, they see Dad being nice to Mom and Mom being cold or angry to Dad. Early in our separation when W was still overtly angry at me, they would tell W not to be mean and yell at me, that I wasn't doing anything wrong.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway Short informing statements is important...at swim practice, telling her D5 told you some of her thoughts which really upset you and you'd like to tell your wife about them, leaves that open to her action...no broadsiding.
Ya, I get this.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway Kids don't like divorce, they don't like their lives split and they don't understand love ending...and they fear their parents' love ending for them.
Ya, I had more great cuddle time with D5 tonight. She is super loving with me now and all the time says how much she loves me, that I am the coolest, most awesome, etc. Dad. Definitely trying to be sure she feels my love through all this. I'm definitely "working on it." Not sure about W. I think she is still too hurt/scared and in turtle mode.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway What I hold you accountable for is following a plan blindly...
Agreed.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway To me, you taking your new self-honesty and reviewing (which you did, please continue to do) what you did and didn't do REALLY in your marriage is the key.
At the end of the day, it takes two to tango, and I feel like I am not leading this dance quite right. Still finding my partner not following. She doesn't even seem interested in the dance floor.
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway About spending the time...pursuing is not asking. It's demanding. Ask and let her turn you down. Ask her about spending more time together to experience your changes, rebuild trust, and help you to keep practicing your new boundaries.
I suggested we hang out a bit without the kids last night, and she told me I was making her so anxious that she was going to have to take 4 ativan to sleep. Launched into the thing about being "scared of me" and so forth. Stove is still way too hot, I think?
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway Because you stick to your word, it's not over pursuit. Yes, you are pursuing your marriage. You are making amends for the thousands of hours you took away from her. Can't go back and give them back...ask now. Don't take her wall as rejection or her refusal. Your job is to offer and accept she chooses.
But if her refusal (above) shows my offers to be THAT unwelcome, then any overtures on my part seem to be overpursuit, imposing and selfish, no?
I have gotten HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, and will read that and inventory needs for if/when the stove cools down (or times that we do have together, even if with kids).
Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway She may want to see if you react like the old Jay...where rejection made you ignore, withdraw, distract. That's okay. You're practicing a new habit...let her.
Who is Jay? I guess I did ok by not lashing out at her and by validating her fear when she told me I was scary.
_________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#22868 - 11/17/10 02:13 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: catperson] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: catperson Well I guess it depends on what you think your plan is. If you think the MB plan works, you would be offering foot rubs or other things that meet their ENs.
One thing I forgot to mention is that while my W and I were living together estranged until moveout (me on couch), in addition to some foot rubs, I gave her almost nightly back rubs while she was working on work at home (my thumbs and fingers got so strong). I even continued this AFTER she dropped the bomb that she was moving out right through the day that she moved out. And I even gave her some foot rubs and back rubs at her apartment after we had separated. It didn't seem to meet her EN's since she proceeded with initiating and maintaining the separation.
Sometimes to me it feels that she is immovable to both "space/pulling away" and to attempts to meet her emotional needs. She seems intent on protecting herself from being hurt again by keeping the emotional wall between us and by painting me as a fearful SATAN. _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#22892 - 11/17/10 07:39 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] rob x Member
Registered: 11/12/10 Posts: 1383 Painting you as a fearful SATAN but still enjoying foot and back rubs from you?!
Why are you meeting her emotional needs now? She knows you're trying to get her back, bank on it.
So she's still pulling away even though she knows you're trying to meet her emotional needs, giving her space, giving her foot rubs, back rubs, and doing everything else to get her back.
So we know this much, this is reality in your situation.
Doing these things isn't working, she isn't home yet, she still considers you a fearful SATAN (who gives foot rubs).
So if doing those things isn't working, do you continue doing them if you know they don't work? _________________________ “Man’s proper stature is not one of mediocrity, failure, frustration, or defeat, but one of achievement, strength, and nobility. In short, man can and ought to be a hero.”
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#22994 - 11/17/10 10:30 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Pinhead] Puppy Dog Tails Member
Registered: 10/08/10 Posts: 1866 Originally Posted By: Pinhead I gotta say, that recommending foot rubs isn't an effective strategy...
Just wanted to post an OBSERVATION. No empirical research to back it up, I'll just say that up front (TH, that's for you buddy wink ), but in six years of studying literally thousands of marriages in crisis, and counseling dozens of people individually, and in 20,000+ posts on the DB forum . . .
I have never seen a single sitch where the left-behind husband was giving foot rubs, and the wayward/walkaway wife returned to the marriage and they successfully reconciled.
In fact, there were two phrases at DB that were a bit of a running joke with us, and they were "cuddle" and "foot rubs" (another observation was that men who used the word "cuddle" with their wife usually weren't successful in leading the couple back from the D abyss).
Fwiw.
Puppy _________________________ If you can't say anything nice, just say "baby ducks."
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#23021 - 11/17/10 10:53 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Puppy Dog Tails] lowesd51 Member
Registered: 11/10/10 Posts: 48 Loc: Southern California FWIW -
When FWW and I first started piecing she told me "I missed your back rubs"
Why? Because I refrained from giving her back rubs while separated. For the record, never was into foot rubs...potentially a man card revocable offense.
Now that we are piecing I do give her quickie neck/shoulder rubs while she is working on the computer, etc...builds physical intimacy.
Point is let her miss those things.
I know...what Robx and Puppy Dog tell you is counter-intuitive but it does work and worked in my sitch. Granted my sitch isn't all rosey and ideal YET...but W and I are working through our issues _________________________ Continuing recovery :-)
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#23026 - 11/17/10 10:59 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: lowesd51] Puppy Dog Tails Member
Registered: 10/08/10 Posts: 1866
FTR, I haven't observed the same for back rubs, judiciously given. _________________________ If you can't say anything nice, just say "baby ducks."
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#23028 - 11/17/10 11:01 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: rob x] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 Originally Posted By: rob x Painting you as a fearful SATAN but still enjoying foot and back rubs from you?!
Heh, I stopped giving the foot and back rubs back in August.
Originally Posted By: rob x Why are you meeting her emotional needs now?
The main emotional need I've been meeting is active listening/validation when initiated by her. I have been meeting it because it has seemed to "work" in getting her to see me in a better light than back in June/July/August. The problem is she has been a bit of Jekyll and Hyde in terms of connecting. Sometimes she talks about that she is trusting me more and more and calls me to talk/share/etc. Invites me to do things. Starts talking about reconciliation. Then (often at that time of the month), she goes into anxious, overstressed, shutdown mode and starts seeing me as the fearful SATAN. The only pattern I've been able to discern from my journals is that this happens around that time of the month for her. Sometimes it happened when I hadn't spoken to her in almost a week and wasn't answering her calls, other times when we had been in daily contact. It almost seems irrelevant what I've been doing and that it's more about her fighting her own demons (of trust?).
Originally Posted By: rob x She knows you're trying to get her back, bank on it.
THIS is probably true. There have been times I have offered divorce, though, and one time I lost my cool and said I was done that I wanted a divorce. Both my pursuit of her and my demand for a divorce were greeted by her saying she needed to take ativan to sleep. (in other words, it seems to me that regardless of whether I try to meet some of her emotional needs vs. when I push her away/giving her space that she is still extremely anxious and not taking steps to come back?). It doesn't seem to be about me????
Originally Posted By: rob x So we know this much, this is reality in your situation.
Doing these things isn't working, she isn't home yet, she still considers you a fearful SATAN (who gives foot rubs).
I guess my difficulty is it's only SOMETIMES that she says she views me as a fearful SATAN and other times she is busy calling me, inviting me to things, seeking to pull me to her, etc.
Note that I did do a fair amount of being unavailable, turning down invites, GALing in late September/October and the frequency of her calling me went down to almost never. She said something to me the other day about how she had been trying to call my sister and my sister hadn't been answering and said, "When people stop answering my calls or are unavailable to me, I just stop calling them." She doesn't seem to respond to being pushed away by pursuing, but rather, by shutting down more herself?? Almost seems like a self-preservation thing?
I'm not trying to be difficult, robx. I understand your philosophy well of not pursuing someone who is pulling away from you. In our sitch, it feels more like we are at a point not where she is pulling away anymore (most of the time), but where it is a stalemate/plateau of sorts. The fearful SATAN comes around once/month and the rest of the time she is initiating/seeking contact (but never to the point of coming home). _________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#23032 - 11/17/10 11:05 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] pookie69 Member
Registered: 11/09/10 Posts: 6390 Rubs don't mean jack $hit.
It's nothing but cake feeding. WAS knows you're still on the leash.
_________________________ "A desire presupposes the possibility of action to achieve it; action presupposes a goal which is worth achieving." - Ayn Rand
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 What do you DB'ers think of LA's point of view that I am not really a LBS but a Former WAS myself. That it doesnt make sense and is manipulative for me to be applying "pull-away" DB tactics to a situation in which I had affairs of emotion and of neglect?
_________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#23112 - 11/17/10 12:45 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] Puppy Dog Tails Member
Registered: 10/08/10 Posts: 1866 Originally Posted By: bustorama What do you DB'ers think of LA's point of view that I am not really a LBS but a Former WAS myself. That it doesnt make sense and is manipulative for me to be applying "pull-away" DB tactics to a situation in which I had affairs of emotion and of neglect?
I would agree that the dynamics are somewhat more complex, and the roles more mingled, since you were a WAS yourself in the past. But I would still contend that that doesn't change what your CURRENT strategy and tactics should be. Bad behavior is bad behavior, and should be treated as such.
Now, that all being said, if you are "pulling away" to try and get some sort of reaction out of her, then you ARE being manipulative. You should be, not "pulling away," but CAUTIOUS, DETACHED and BUSY GALing ... because that's what "the new Busto" is all about these days. If you're NOT, then you need to get yourself there, ASAP.
Being wary of someone that's hurt you is a HEALTHY defense mechanism. It should be done for natural, healthy reasons, and not as a "tactic."
Puppy _________________________ If you can't say anything nice, just say "baby ducks."
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Quote: That it doesnt make sense and is manipulative for me to be applying "pull-away" DB tactics to a situation in which I had affairs of emotion and of neglect
It's the opposite of that - you want to attract her back. be attractive, be her catnip, make her interested in you. she has to feel you confident enougth not to need her but still making her hot. make sense? _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Registered: 10/16/10 Posts: 59 Originally Posted By: Coach Quote: That it doesnt make sense and is manipulative for me to be applying "pull-away" DB tactics to a situation in which I had affairs of emotion and of neglect
It's the opposite of that - you want to attract her back. be attractive, be her catnip, make her interested in you. she has to feel you confident enougth not to need her but still making her hot. make sense?
I had to quote this awesome post AND enable Puppy's emoticon addiction by trying it for myself. highfive smirk
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 Originally Posted By: Coach Quote: That it doesnt make sense and is manipulative for me to be applying "pull-away" DB tactics to a situation in which I had affairs of emotion and of neglect
It's the opposite of that - you want to attract her back. be attractive, be her catnip, make her interested in you. she has to feel you confident enougth not to need her but still making her hot. make sense? How do you attract her back if you she never sees you doing anything that might make her happy? She's WAW because she was either being hurt or ignored, or her needs weren't being met. Aside from adultery, there's little other reason to leave a marriage.
So...she sees you as a guy who hurt her or didn't care about her or didn't care to make her happy. How do you make her interested in you if you're still the same guy? If you don't admit that you contributed to her unhappiness and show her you're learning about it and fixing yourself.
She's just going to see you getting a life after she tells you she's hurting...how does that make her think that you'll make her life any better if she comes back?
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Quote: How do you attract her back if you she never sees you doing anything that might make her happy?
You do attract her back. How do you get a cat to come to you? _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Why assume you are ignoring them? My cats are much more interested in numerous other things besides food. That's too obvious. Cats love to be ignored BTW. _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Registered: 10/17/10 Posts: 4320 Loc: WI Coach, stop being coy. How do you attract a cat? Be catnip. Be confident. Be happy.
Really, how do you attract a cat? I tease mine with a string on a stick, but I don't think my W will jump for the string the way the cat does. How do you tease her when she seems not to care whatsoever?
I know R2C, read the art of seduction. My mom packed it last weekend and I can't find it.
I guess I am just dense. I can't decipher coach's riddles. _________________________ Me45 D Final(sort of) 7/13/11
My life has been extraordinary, blessed and cursed at once. (Billy Corgan - Smashing Pumpkins)
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#23677 - 11/18/10 12:01 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Coach] catperson Member
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 Originally Posted By: Coach Why assume you are ignoring them? My cats are much more interested in numerous other things besides food. That's too obvious. Cats love to be ignored BTW. Isn't that your advice? To ignore your cheating spouse?
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#23788 - 11/18/10 08:05 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Danf] Coach Member
Registered: 10/12/10 Posts: 1218 Quote: I tease mine with a string on a stick
So if you start doing something the cat loves to do, the cat gets interested and comes to check out the action - attraction. What's her string? Playing with your kids, gardening, running a race, taking dance lessons, reading books, being a great listenener, hitting her LLs with no expectation, cologne, making her laugh.........
Get her interested in you. No pursuing. Cats love to hunt.
Quote: How do you tease her when she seems not to care whatsoever?
you are being watched. when I call my cat she runs the other way with her tail in the air. it's when I turn and do something else she comes to me and jumps in my lap. stop thinking like a dog. _________________________ You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end which you can never afford to lose with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
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#24314 - 11/18/10 08:41 PM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: Coach] LovingAnyway Board of Directors Treasurer Member
Registered: 08/05/10 Posts: 2214 I do understand your point of view, Puppy. With or without your experience with others.
What I don't get is how if you neglected to do non-verbal communication and care for years, even a decade or more, that then choosing those acts of love, without depending on the response consistently, for a month or two or even 8 or the rest of the marriage, is destructive?
Cake eating? A woman scorned, replaced by two others during her marriage, who is scared to death of being devastated again and again, is a walkaway spouse? She was betrayed, pre-A's and post-A's. Bustor really gets that. He wasn't born to betray and wreak horrible damage.
He was born to love. And he stopped acting from love past the first few years...life got in the way...felt controlled, demeaned and rejected...so that's what he did back...
It's a learned lifetime of how to manipulate to get what you want out of others...
and it's a total lie. Every time his wife wants to talk with him, that's connection. By phone, in person, at his home or her home, that's connection. Yes, she's going to reach out, tentatively, and then more assertively, and then pull back. Not just hormones...in reaction to whatever Bustor does, too.
Her eyes are on him...her Lizard is active every second she's awake sorting him from safe to dangerous, savior to devil, back and forth, for her survival. Why doesn't Bustor get to know her Lizard? His own? And stop swinging back and forth, and just stand still. Be. Her. Husband.
Respectful, loving, radically honest and considerate, equals?
Why can't the plan be to truly be who you are, act trustworthy consistently to rebuild his half of the trust he destroyed? Is not his own redemption for waking up to how much damage he did the biggest part of this?
So he can trust himself again?
Act from love and let the response go. Enjoy the heck out of her acts of love and connection, moment to moment, and stop trying.
Be Yoda. There is no try, Bustor. You do and don't do. That's it.
Humans do and don't do. Where they make their choices from defines who they are.
No one else.
If you want to be the fantastic husband, father, son, brother, man...then act from your own code, and hold yourself accountable to it. Don't move those lines back and forth. Keep them steady around you so you come to rely on yourself, your choices, from developing the habit of checking yourself first.
That's attractive. That gives you the signals inside yourself of happiness, a thriving, living joy that you are married to your wife, have been blessed with children who love you no matter what, and are an amazing human being.
LA _________________________ The Paradoxical Commandments
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." Mark Twain
MALovingAnyway@gmail.com
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#24458 - 11/19/10 01:57 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: LovingAnyway] bustorama Member
Registered: 11/14/10 Posts: 356 First, I want to thank all of you for posting to my thread and offering both support and great food for thought.
I'm changing my short-term "plan" based on the exchanges. We'll see what happens over the next few weeks. Instead of "pulling away" like I have been doing, I am now going to engage my wife and see what happens (solution-oriented style). I am not going to do it in a supplicating, begging, please come back to me manner. We are not equals if I communicate that way, and I also imagine it is unattractive and pressuring/scary to her.
Instead, I will just be the best Busto I can be when talking to her -- the same way I have been when she has initiated contact. But now I also will be initiating some contact as well. I will listen to her, validate her, share with her, joke with her. Meet her verbal EN's and speak her LL. If it's clear she feels pressure when I call her or that she is getting turned off, then the new "plan" will be short-lived.
I started this yesterday by calling her during the day at work. This was the first time I have initiated ANY call to her in 6 months. She asked me why I was calling, and I said just to say hi and see how she was doing. She seemed sort of confused (LOL). We talked for about 20-25 min. I tell her I had good news I won a massage as being one of the biggest fundraisers so far in my race I'm training for. She says that's great! I tell her yeah, listen I know u've been having back aches lately and have had alot of stressful stuff going on at work, I'd really love it if you used it. At first she said I dunno, then she said ok, well then I want you to take this groupon float spa thing I got, will you try it? And I said sure sounds like fun, I'll tell you all about it after I do it.
Then she told me how she was stressed with some work stuff. I listened, asked her to tell me more about it, any way I could help? She said something about having to pick up some fruit and milk for the girls, she didn't have time. I said, I'd be happy to pick that up for you on my way to the movie with my bud. I can meet ya at the school. At first she said no, then I said look, you picked up that greeting card for our niece for the both of us this morning, I'd be more than happy to do this for you. She said yeah it would be nice for the girls not to have to drag them around to the stores. Then I said, yes that is nice for them; I want to be clear, though, I want to do this for YOU. She agreed.
I go to grocery store, she calls me, and I joke with her about something, then she says she wants to make herself a salad and could I get X, Y and Z for her to make one. I say definitely, see you in 5 min. Meet her at school, say hi to Ds. W looks great and I tell her so. She thanks me with lots of eye contact, I put groceries in car, and I head off to meet my bud for a few beers and Jackass 3D.
So today I call W in AM at going in to work time. Same sort of drill. Hi! She says hey what's up, what are you calling about? I say just calling to say hi and see how you are doing. W starts venting about tough morning she had getting Ds to school, how she decided to give D5 consequence of being tardy for misbehavior/dawdling. I validate her frustration with D5's behavior and tell her I agree she handled things spot on, great momming. She talked about some other work stuff/stress. I validate and empathize more. She asks me how the movie was and hanging out with my bud. I tell her some (but not too much to spoil the movie).
I call W again shortly after lunch (again just to say hi). I ask her opinion on gift for niece. She has to get off phone, but then she starts texting me shortly after that. We exchange some texts re: gift. I tell her I'm glad I talked to her cause her idea was better than my idea. She thanks me for mailing the gifts/cards for us. She says she is excited to pick up her new "librarian" style glasses (that she looks sexy in and that she had me help her pick out last week). I tell her awesome, they look great on you, can't wait to see you in them.
I call W again at night to let her know D2 is sick (poor D2) and to figure out how we'll handle day tomorrow. Ask her how she is doing. She starts talking more about her day. Vents some about how her BFF co-worker kept busting in on her while she was trying to work and wouldn't leave. And how she is stressed about her deadline for noon tomorrow. Tells me she had the final fitting for her bridesmaid dress today after the glasses pickup. I asked her if she was happy how it looked and she said yeah. I said I can't wait to see you in it, I bet you'll look beautiful (wedding is next week). She says thanks then talks about her acupuncture session that she just started and the new herbs they gave her. Asks me if I can look up the herbs for her, she said her therapist also suggested she have me look it up for her. I said I'd be happy to (just finished looking them up and sending her a msg about them).
Anyway, we'll see what happens with this switch from active avoidance to just communicating with her how seems natural over the next few weeks (but not talking about the relationship, just relating). My calling her is a 180 also not only from what I've been doing but from how things were pre-bomb (when I also never called her due to neglect).
_________________________ Me-40 W-36 D9, D5, D3 T-Since 12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010
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#24460 - 11/19/10 02:05 AM Re: Bustorama #1 [Re: bustorama] catperson Member
Registered: 08/31/10 Posts: 7915 IDK. If my husband started paying attention to what I wanted, I have to say I'd be intrigued.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
