Hoping my marriage can be saved :(

[Maggie3]

Hi, this is my first time posting. My husband and I are both in our early 30's. We have been together 6 years, married only 1.5 years. I thought we were happy, but we did have the typical relationship fights, mostly me nagging about him not cleaning, or finances. When we did have issues we would never really talk about them after. We'd just kind of be sick of fighting and make up. In September we found out his estranged father had passed away. He didn't want to talk about it, showed no emotions about it, etc. Then his company moved and this was a stressful time for him. They moved from the city to the suburbs (we also live in the suburbs, which has also come up as a point of unhappiness for him). Around January he started being cold to me. There was a palpable tension but I didn't know why. Finally I confronted him about it and he told me he was done with our relationship. He didn't love me anymore, he hated our house, he didn't want to be married, etc. I immediately scheduled us an appointment for a consultation with my company's mental health department so we could get a referral to a counselor. We went to the visit and I thought it was very eye opening. He talked about how he didn't like our house in the suburbs, how he didn't like that I didn't go out with my girlfriends as much anymore and I talked about how stressed I felt financially after buying a new car (he had said he was going to help me pay for it and then wasn't). We were referred to a marriage counselor and he was also referred to his own counseling. He never made an appointment. We went to one session with our new marriage counselor and she thought that we weren't ready for marriage counseling but instead he should go to a counselor and I would continue going to her for support. He started with his counselor and I continued to go to mine but things just kept going worse. At his counseling they talked about our marriage and I get the impression his counselor said if you aren't happy you should end it. I had gotten the impression he was referred to his own counselor to talk about his other issues: emotionally detaching from me, perhaps depression, the issues with his parent's marriage and his estranged father's death. Well, things continued to get worse throughout February. Every interaction we had was uncomfortable and I was so confused, we had been so happy before- best friends, a lot in common, our friends had merged, our families were supportive of our relationship, so I had no idea why the sudden change. Less than a year earlier I had run a marathon and he surprised me at the finish line with a trip we were leaving for the next day. How could all of that love just go away one day? How could he now claim he never loved me, we never had a good relationship,etc. Eventually things got so strained at home that I asked him to leave. He had told me things weren't changing and he wanted a divorce. A few days after he left we spoke again and decided he would stay at our house a few nights a week (he is staying with his mom). So we had been doing that but again with no positive changes. He would basically come home from work and avoid being around me. I felt like I was on a yo-yo. I was trying so hard and every time we discussed the issues something new he was unhappy would come up (for example, one day it would be we had nothing in common, then it would be he never loved me, then it would be we never had sex). I was reading all of these books, articles, websites, trying the things I would learn in counseling, trying to plan activities for us to do that we didn't have to have much conversation but could be together, wearing lingerie to spice up our sex life and nothing was working and he just seemed to be drifting further away. My counselor suggested asking him to leave completely so I could start to heal. I asked him to leave permanently and said we could meet back up in a month or so and see where we were at and see if marriage counseling might work. He seemed so relieved to be able to get away from me During this conversation he really opened up. He said maybe his father's death had triggered something in him and that he felt like a changed person. Some of the changes were positive, more energy at work, but others were negative, like feeling very selfish. I felt positive that some time away would help him figure some things out. Then, this weekend I looked at our phone bill and found some text messages to a number I didn't recognize. It wasn't a local area code so it stood out. I obviously got suspicious (I had asked him before if he was having an affair, as this came so out of the blue and he said he wasn't). I called the number he had been texting with and it was a woman. She is a member of the consulting team that was hired when his company moved back in November. He had also been on the move team so that is obviously how they met. I confronted him about the texts (there were about 20 texts, the last one coming at 11:30pm on Saturday night) and he said they were just friends. When I said I was going to call her he freaked out. I called her anyways and left a heated message about how you don't text with a married man. She called me back and again said they are just friends. I looked her up online and it turns out she is 25 years old, I am 32, my husband 31. I am also much more attractive than her, which made me even angrier. He said that nothing has happened other than a few text messages, emails and occasionally lunch at work with other people. I know my husband is probably seeking out female attention as a distraction/some fun. I believe him that he didn't physically cheat on me but I think this might have been heading that way. Anyways, he turned the tables on me Sunday night and started sending me horrible text messages calling me a stalker for looking up his phone bill. We have a joint plan and I am his WIFE so I don't think this is stalking. I am confused as to what happened to my loving, supportive, fun husband and am seeking answers, not stalking him. He also is accusing me of emailing my college ex boyfriend, which is totally untrue. I know he is just trying to redirect the blame. His mother, who has been completely supportive of me and loves me like a daughter, called me and basically said that he had it out with her too and that she needs to support him right now, which I get. She is probably nervous he will cut her out of his life like he is doing to me (and did to his father, who at least deserved it). Now he says he is totally done. He told me he wants to get the ball rolling and get this over with as soon as possible. I told him again I think we need to go a month without seeing each other/and having little communication (other than stuff about our house) before we rush into anything. We need to do some home improvements before we can put our house up for sale, etc. and I am hoping in the meantime he will have a change of heart or after a month when things have cooled down he will be willing to go to marriage counseling (he said he was willing before but only wanted to go so I could find closure with our failed marriage). I'm just so lost and feel like my life is spinning out of control. It was so out of the blue. I can't concentrate at work, have been taking anxiety meds to get by. I'm a teacher so it's important I am always "on". My friends and family have been great but they are all struggling with this too, as I said it was so out of the blue. My father and my husband were buddies, they'd golf together, and loved to talk sports. My dad is so angry he hasn't even spoken to me about it because I think he is nervous he will say something he will regret if we end up back together. I want him to call my husband and tell him to act like a man and honor his vows but I think my dad is nervous he would flip out on my husband and make things worse. My husband reached out to my sister through text two weeks ago. They've always had a good relationship. I'm wondering if she should reach out to him or if I should just leave it be for now. I started reading "The Divorce Remedy" on Monday and it is helping but....I'm the willing participant. Some of the things sounded like my husband though- things being so bad he doesn't remember that they were ever good (they were!). Today we emailed about him coming to do yard work at our house this weekend and get some of his things. I will be leaving for the day so we don't have to see each other. I have tried to make my response as positive as possible and said I appreciate him coming to do work. Has something like this ever happened to someone else? I can't help but think his father's death triggered something in him. Thanks for any advice and support