am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

thank you starsky and labug. i brings tears to my eyes that you seem to care more about me than my husband of 15 years.

it's so hard to let go of something that feels that the very fabric of my being. it's as if i'm cutting off my own limb.

i don't have a lawyer, yet. my husband has expressed a desire to enlist a mediator to help us instead of two lawyers to save money. i have thought about getting a consultation to find out what i should do but i also don't want to provoke him or make the process begin. i have told him that i will not do the work to make this happen as i usually do all the leg work for things that we want to make happen. he will have to get it done. i've also told him i will not discuss details with him; only with a third party. i don't want to get down and dirty with someone who is supposed to care about me (ha!).

i know i've already lost him. i was looking on line this morning for small apartment rentals. it hurts so much to be in this place where i'm looking for a place to live by myself. i was in the grocery store yesterday, and an elderly woman (older than me) was in line behind me. she didn't have a wedding ring on. she was getting just a few things that appeard to be geared towards a solitary life. i wanted to die.