am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

journaling:
i think i know what i'm facing now. my husband thinks my relationship with his adult daughter is so bad that it is beyond repair and he can't be married to me. this is hard. it's so sad that it comes down to this. couple this belief with the bad relationship he and i have had for the past few years and it's led him to believe we are dead.

i can't figure out how to fix this. i know i'm not supposed to try to fix it but that's all i've been wanting to do. i believe it's unfixable.

has anyone out there ever seen a marriage recover from broken stepmother/stepchild relationship? i think i'm just going to have to throw in the towel. i feel so inconsequential to their lives; like i've been used for the past 16 years to keep all of them (H and his kids) happy.

i've always felt like i was in the backseat to all of them and now i've been thrown out of the car and told to walk while they ride away together. am i selfish to believe a man should put his marriage first? even as i write this i know it was a no-win situation. 75% of second marriages with step children end in divorce. being a step mother was the hardest job i ever had to do. especially, with a husband who was full of guilt and afraid of losing his kids' love.

my God, i know all is lost now. he's put his wall up now but not to protect himself; to protect his kids from me. i don't feel any hope for us now. i feel sick. i feel so discouraged and hopeless.

that's why he cries. he knows it, too. he loves me so much but he loves his kids more and he feels there's nothing he can do but divorce me and be happy with someone else someday who will not have a history with them and will like them.

it hurts so badly because i know it would be so hard to have any kind of relationship with him, too. there would always be that between us. he would be watching to see if i was irritated with them or they were uncomfortable with me whenever they were around us.

soooo sad to feel this way. so much pain. so hopeless.