when I was in the Army JAG Corps, I frequently had to explain to the service member that the spouse HAD EARNED THE RETIREMENT in the eyes of the mlitary, so it's not the soldier's money to "give"; it's the military's.
You earned it by enabling the father of your children to deploy. HIS feelings and opinions, and his needs and your future needs, are irrelevant.
It's NOT HIS to give/take; it's the military's....
in sum, your h's views are simply way out of date.
I will say this. Disability pay (if he gets injured there OR later on in life) can change things in ways that only hurt you, financially...but it's too complicated to put here, so you will need to talk to a lawyer who understands the military pension aspects and since you ARE entitled to free legal advice on base NOW, so get it...see Legal Assistance.
BTW My sister was married to an AF Pilot for 13 years, NO kids...She did have a lot of functions to host AND She had to move a lot, and to some weird places, so HE could fly the fastest "coolest" Planes, and get promoted. Her h put off having kids and then left her for OW and then had a kid...ANYHOW...
She gets a third of his retirement. She remarried and she still gets itb/c It's NOT alimony or spousal support, it's money she earned from the AF, by being willing to live in places that enabled a very well trained pilot to keep flying. The military "traded" her some financial security for that, and b/c she was not able to build a career for herself, moving so often.
It's $1000 a month now and she gets it b/c she "earned it" not b/c she cannot support herself.
(btw-I visited her in the summer in Iceland, where she lived there 3 years. Trust me, she earned it living there.)
They also had several one year assignments in some God forsaken places like deserts, where he could do fancy tricks in his uber cool plane...
Your h is Navy so when he's gone, he's GONE on a ship, hard to call or see for a weekend...
as for deployments-- he really misses the point about you being a SOLO single parent when he's gone. Not to mention the free floating angst that goes with knowing they are in harm's way...
which he'll minimize b/c he will say HE is the one over there..but that's him pretending his choices are made in a vacuum,
as if no one else is affected. It's a convenient self centeredness.
Being a SOLO single parent is very different than having every other weekend off...which I guess he will understand when he has those times with the kids Ask him if weekends with them, are better than being gone a whole year
and say " but you would have been gone anyhow" (what??? I still don't get what he's saying [b] unless he's equating your being a SOLO parent with the other parent being deployed, with a typical divorced couple where you COULD always call him in a pinch, and you'd know you'll get a break every other weekend AND the kids would have some of their daddy needs met, rather than you doing it all, without a break, for a year!...)
Geez, He's just not able to see it clearly - but Bravo for you staying calm!
He's so not able to see this objectively. But you don't have to listen to him rant. You may have to say something to him when he gets nutty.
Calmly express your requirement that you be treated with respect.
"H, you seem too upset to see this objectively and I'm not sure we're getting anywhere discussing this now"...
then YOU be the one to get off the phone or leave.
It'd be a 180 AND you'd be the calmer party. Just a thought.
ALSO- while it MAY be only $300 in today's dollars, (check that amount b/c I don't recall how long your h has been in the military and if all your time married was in the service)
My sister also gets a COLA increase every year or so. Don't pooh pooh that.
The amount you are stating here,($300 a month) is about what an IRA contribution is, so, don't you dare give the military pension you earned, to him...
unless he's trading it for something better. Does he have IRAs or real estate interests you might want? OTherwise, it's a legal matter best left for the lawyers.
Try hard to compartmentalize this. You want him to associate the "ugly legalities" (that HE created) with lawyers,
and
pleasant calm MATURE behavior, with you...make sense?
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
