Husband left me...feel hopeless

[25yearsmlc]

Here here, jks. I don't have an ow, but I'm sure I can look forward to one in his future. This d. stuff is sooo hard. I'm thinkin my h. is going to ugly about finances and I don't know how p'ed off he is going to get at me. I just know I have to protect myself financially, no matter how mad it makes him. How does db'ing work when it gets adversarial and you have basically no contact, except divorce matters.

it IS harder b/c you must compartmentalize. But if you keep it ALL separate in your mind and heart AND in your communications, it helps.

IOW, let the lawyers do the talking and only hire a L who you trust to pursue your interests BUT not to unecessarily aggravate things. I had a L who told me she would keep peace if possible but that she "can be an [censored] if need be" and I knew what she meant.

Do NOT let fear be your guide now. Fear doesn't lead us to good decision making.

Protect yourself without fearing your h's reaction-- b/c one thing we do know is that your h is not looking out for your best interests atm.

Let your Lawyer handle the ugly stuff and earn his/her money. That's why they are there. IT's like hiring a realtor to sell or buy a house and you don't want to negotiate directly b/c it's a drag and you get upset, and think you are being ripped off and the other party does too, etc.

So if your h calls or asks you about something legal, you pleasantly but efficiently suggest his L call yours...then maybe ask how His job or hobby is going or how his sick relative is feeling...

showing that the legalities are separate and apart from the loving woman you are. But no doormat behavior, just upbeat kindness.

Be busy and get off the phone first as usual...(let the 180s/GAL continue) and be LESS predictable.

Your h's confusion at your behavior can be intriguing and can also be the first stage of him changing his opinion of you...it won't worsen the situation b/c right now, he's not in a good place maritally anyhow.

If he says "I KNEW you'd be this way..." meaning vindictive,

You can say "I'm sorry you're so angry, but I'm still going to protect my legal interests. In the meantime, I don't deserve to be spoken to rudely - so IF & when you feel like talking calmly, THEN call. Otherwise i have to go b/c I have things to do. Have a nice day, good bye" (and then gently, -no slamming!- hang up.)

IF he's way too rude/crude to you, cut that off THEN & there & refer him to your L., and hang up.

If nothing else, he won't treat you like that anymore AND he may learn some respect for you, & respect is an essential element to mature love.

BTW, the reality of the divorce's finances, often surprises the WAS. So you never know, he may decide it IS worth working on

And if money is his motivation for working on the marrage at first, so what?

IF he does the work, and the marriage improves, who cares what triggered it?

at least that is how I see it.

Good luck