WEll! Here I am preparing to do Dim and gone dim, when today I was driving around and I bump into my H. I have been with the man for 17 years, and this has never happened before.
What was interesting was that right before work (I temp in between uni - which takes me all over the city so there's never a set place I am), I decided to comb my hair, retouch my makeup etc. I rarely do that actually after a job. Before a job - always - but rarely afterwards.
Anyway, not 10 minutes later, my H knocks on my window. He has a big smile on his face. I'm totally taken aback. I haven't seen him in so long that I felt - well - kind of flat actually. I almost didn't recognise him because I didn't have any sense or feeling of familiarity with him.
Now I know I have detached - but that much??
So yeah, he asked if he could borrow the car for the Easter weekend. I thought the exchange would happen on Friday.
He followed me home - eventually - and we had a nice chat at home. I was a bit cooler than I normally am - not intentionally! I was jst because I had this weird feeling that I know this man but I have no connection with him anymore.
My emotions have been through the mill, so they are not coming out any time soon I think!
I asked if he wanted some dinner, and of course he declined. I could feel a pang in my heart for that. Soon after I thought to myself, "I'm sick of being rejected by this man." Well, that will be my last offering EVER!
When he was on his way, we hugged - but it was a distant hug.
Then, he got into the car and I walked away. Again, it wasn't intentional - but I caught myself just going back to the kitchen without a second thought. You see, I used to wait at the door waving at him as he drove off. this time, I had zero inclination to do such a thing.
Has anyone felt so cold and distant around their WAS? Like numb? Here I am fighting to get him back yet my own feelings and body language are just not even anywhere near warm.
I think my heart has just decided to hide itself when he is around, because I just don't feel that way even with friends.
