am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

thanks for your response. i'm so sorry my posts are confusing. they are a reflection of the condition of my mind. some days i think i don't even know which way is "up"...

he actually told me, "when you show me your vulnerability, you have my heart". i was in LRT for four weeks until this past friday. i would get zero communication from him. after i told him i agreed we could not continue our marriage, he let down his guard and finally began speaking to me, showing me physical affection and caring. yesterday and early this morning, he texted me loving messages. today's was about my trip to see my dying first husband. he said, "i could hear your inner heart. so sweet."

so, the LRT was not working and the vulnerability and kindness are, at least they appear to be. he's communicating with me and he's initiating it.

what do i want? what day is it? one day i think, ok, i'm going to be better off without him and i'll be happier not trying to watch everything i say and do. the next day, i'm so devistated and lonely for him and scared, i don't want to lose him.

to be honest, when i'm in LRT and no contact, that's when i feel better about my life without him. and i know that's what he's feeling, too, because he told me so. he said he can't sleep in the same bed because he would want to be close. he can't live with me because it makes it too hard for him to try to move forward.

my REAL goal, if i'm completely honest and go deep into my heart, is to stay married to him. he has his flaws but he's a good man. he's selfish and controlling and he comes with a lot of baggage (three adult children) but i love him and i think we can make our marriage better than before if we're both willing to. i'm just trying to wait him out.

i don't want to lose him.