Hi Starsky! Sorry I haven't updated. I have been trying to post for the past day and 1/2 but haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror let alone say it out loud, but here it goes.
It's been a rough few days, after I was doing well for a bit. Let me preface this by saying, I know what I need to do and I've started doing it
After my last post, H was seriously on his best behavior and pursuing and I guess I was wearing down a bit because when he asked me to go out with him Friday night in celebration of his bday, I agreed. He said "its the only thing I really want for my bday" I don't know if it was guilt, obligation, wanting to feel like it used to...but I went.
It was awkward for me most of the night and he thanked me for going. He said it was great, although I don't know how he didn't feel as awkward as I did?
The next evening we had a thing for the kids basketball league, we are both on the Board and had to attend. I spent most of the night with friends and he with his friends. Sadly I was vulnerable and really confused, there were moments of the "old days". We ended up ML
I told him on Sunday that it was a mistake and that it was too confusing for both of us. He agreed and said he understands. But he was still trying to keep that connection, so not sure he heard me. I think he thinks he can just make it go away.
Last night I tried to really clear it up and said "it was a mistake, and way too soon for that type of contact" I explained that nothing has changed, and I don't trust him so I can't possibly be intimate."
I was weak and I'm sad that I did it, which is telling in itself I suppose. This is the same person who just weeks ago was telling me that he was angry all the time and didn't know why. He didn't want to talk to me about anything and was talking to OW.
Now he is telling me he wants to spend all of his time with me, not giving me any space and misses me during the day at work. I told him that I can't say that anymore and that makes me sad. He didn't say anything to that.
H made some comments last night that really helped me realize I am making the right decisions. After discussing everything, he texted suggestions about ML again (no boundaries or care for my feelings). When I created space he said "you're the one who initiated the no contact rule"
I've been beating myself up and even avoided posting, but it is now time to pull myself up and get back to what was working and that is focusing on me, and my life, my future.
A friend invited me to go out on Friday night, and I will be taking her up on that for sure. I plan to get back to self care, and that includes no longer beating myself up over my slips.
I haven't yet figured out what will happen for Easter. Since we are still under one roof and his family knows nothing, I will most likely go with them on Sunday. Not to mention I really want to be with my kids. There are plenty of people to talk to, and I will be just fine. Especially now that I will be setting my boundaries once again.
