Divorce....with a side of crazy...

[imthemom]

Am having a really good week, on spring break from work and have been working out and running every day, getting back in shape and getting ready for a 10k in May and it feels really good. Have been to my Crossfit gym every morning and its good to see everyone again.
Sent off proposal to my L and decided to not add anything about the comments he is making to S15...yet...He hasnt seen S15 for the last week and half, i sent an email again asking him to remember the S15 is having a hard enough time and that he should not be put in the middle and am hoping that will take care of it but its the last time Im doing it, if any more comments are made my L said we will send something to his L and put it on paper. Im trying not to be to confrontational right now and just want to get threw this and have it be over. Monday would have been our 19 yr anniversary...If I can get through that day without breaking down I can get through anything...
but I thought that as I stood on our front porch and knew he was in our bed with ow...before I opened the door I thought if I can get threw this, this is as bad as it will get...boy was I wrong..
The realization that you have been married for 18 yrs to a total stranger, I think, is as bad as it can get...its all up hill from there.

I still have minutes were I all the sudden have the realization that we are REALLY getting divorced...which tells me that I still havent excepted and dealt with it totally...Im trying, and I have come a long way..I think I just miss what could have been and not so much what was. And I miss being part of a couple, but Ive always liked having alone time..even before we seperated I always liked to go to movies alone and go for long runs all alone..never had a problem with that. But the alone now is different then being alone and knowing you have someone at home to go home to. I just want to be a good mom to my boys and pray every day that im doing the right and best thing for my S15...Im so scared that he will be scarred for the rest of his life because of decisions that I make.

I actually did have my L add that I thought STBX and S15 could benefit from father/son counceling to help fix there relationship and that I would like him to agree to that. She thought that was a good idea since S15 has been acting out and had specifically said he was doing it to get his Ds attention.

so..all in all, things are moving along. getting alot of things done around that house repair and upkeep wise, have needed to do that for awhile..S15 broke his bed, fixed that...did my spring yardwork cutting everything back and pulling weeds and am getting ready for a garage sale to get rid of all that stuff in my garage from our old house that I am soooo sick of looking at. its time, but going threw it has been sad. Lots of things from out past together that I havent seen in forever. Its hard to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. In the back of my head I keep thinking "what if"...GAWD!! when does that stop??!!