He claims he will reimburse me...but if it gets ugly...I may need to subpoena his credit card bills, etc. (He has set up a couple new cards that I can't see)
I can tell from my online access to his bank account that it isn't totally out of hand...but also not good or fair.
He claims OW (keep in mind, she is rich) is reimbursing him for some of the costs. I had to laugh to myself at that...what a treat...dating a crazy married man and paying for the privilege!!!
Thanks guys...
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
You will both have to release full financial disclosures as part of any divorce action. It's standard stuff. Any "squandering of marital assets" in your checking account, by him, is going to show up, and a family court judge isn't going to look too kindly on it.
H is on his way back here today. He sent 3 or 4 emails last night. I'm making him stay at his parents house tonight with kids. He sent a couple nice notes about trying to "figure out" weekend plans...I think he was hoping I'd back down and let him stay here.
He then sent a note asking if I wanted to look at houses with him (he may buy a place to move into). Another note, should we buy season ski passes for the family next year? I responded to that note to say I thought that was fine.
I could tell from his notes that he got at most about 3 hours of sleep. I responded to tell him we can talk about this stuff when he's back...and he really should get some rest. He said he can't sleep anymore.
He's only here until 6 am on Sunday...then he flies back to OW's city for work. I feel like he's at risk of some kind of breakdown...but, I'm not going to jump in with reassurances or try to help.
I think he's very good at compartmentalizing too. He knows he's coming back here and he's trying to re-engage with me so that there's a nice little family waiting for him.
As for me...I feel really strong and actually happier than I've felt in a long while. I have a ton of pressure/stress with work and the kids...but I also think we're getting into a good routine. Hoping to do a couple things for myself this weekend when he's back...
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I think he's very good at compartmentalizing too. He knows he's coming back here and he's trying to re-engage with me so that there's a nice little family waiting for him.
This ^^^ is very typical, in my experience. It helps explain how otherwise-heretofore-high-principled people can also engage in such seemingly OUT-of-character destructive behavior.
Blow him off about the house hunting. Or just do not reply on that. You have mentioned before what works and what does not. Let him compartmentalize that. It is all part of building an acceptance. Let him go figure it out for himself. And keep strong.
I am sorry that you do not know me. I have been away a long while from this site. I did read up on your stitch before I posted.
You got a good person in Starsky helping you out.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I've had a stressful day at work and H had also been texting about his weekend plans. He comes back on Friday and will take the kids until at least Saturday (to his parent's house). Sunday is our D4's birthday, so he offered to be gone until Sunday but I said I would like her to be home that day.
I don't think H understands that I really can't deal with him being in the house anymore. I'm fine coparenting...but the thought of him trying to be nice to me or acting sad/conflicted about me filing for divorce is so hard. He acts like he cares, but time after time...does worse things with OW.
I saw some of his emails to OW last weekend. (I've been amazingly non-snoopy...but had the opportunity and took a look last weekend when he was home). I saw their back and forth on planning their romantic WEEK in Mexico a couple weeks ago. They were reserving the rooftop romantic suite, planning dinner on the sand, etc. I also saw he was emailing her about next Christmas and taking all of the kids (his and hers) to Hawaii. (to the resort I had mentioned to him as a place I knew the kids wanted to go). Also saw a couple stupid emails about sex/drinking. No surprises, but just further reinforced how dishonest he has been.
I really do think I'm better off moving on...I have a sense of piece when he's not home and when we aren't in contact.
I sent him the following email.
"If you want to be here next week, that'd be fine. You could sleep in the guest bedroom or with one of the kids.
I do really need to move on with my life at this point. I can't live like this anymore and I'm happier being alone than dealing with you and the drama.
You can do what you want, but wouldn't it be easier just to rent a place here for awhile until you figure out more of what you want to do? I think the kids will be happy wherever you are."
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Snooping is inevitable but always more painful when you learn more about the relationship that is not yours. I am sorry you have had such pain but think you have really gotten to a good place to be able to move on.
I have vowed not to be the one to file for the divorce but don't really know if I can keep that promise. My H seems content to live as roommates and expects me to find my own happiness - which I am working on but it doesn't happen overnight. H has already found his happiness.
Yep, I definitely don't recommend snooping. You are much better off focusing on yourself and not on the affair. However, for me, it was very helpful to see the evidence of his A as he slinked home acting like everything was fine.
I've just really gotten to the point where I've realized that my H is the one having the affair. I should be the one filing for divorce. I'd feel worse if he continued in the affair and then eventually filed for divorce himself.
I'm truly at the point where I need to move on. I think my H hates the fact that I filed...but if all of this still isn't enough for him to change course? I feel like I'm saving myself a lot of wasted months.
I would have also wanted H to come back because he really wanted to...not because his affair ends and he "might as well". We all deserve to be first choice.
I've been feeling horrible about my marriage for 9 months and have known about his affair for almost 7 months. That's enough for me. And, I felt a wave of relief when I filed and no regrets...that's a big sign I was ready.
I found an old book of mine last night "Play to Win". It's more about career...but also has some applicability to life. It's all about conquering fears and living your life to "win" versus "not to lose". Applies well to my situation..
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
