Still Afloat and moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Well, time for a new Topic. My last one is linked here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2166933

This month has been a good one, for me. H is still traveling, but strangely home on weekends more often. He treats me well, taking me to dinners, to the movies, etc. (sometimes I say no, got work to do). We hang out with our friends (who all know what's happening). If I had any inkling that he was thinking of reconciling, it would've been dashed when my D19 asked him if we could go on a family trip to our homeland. His reaction told me everything. He is fine being a "friend", coming home to home cooked dinners, having someone to hang out with, and a room to sleep while he visits with the kids, and enjoys the comforts that come with that. Any further than that, he is not interested, and quite frankly, neither am I. I am playing it cool, and friendly, so that I can get the best deal out of the D. I don't want any fights, or arguments. I will, however, protect myself by going to an attorney so that I know what my rights are. I have located one that also does mediation, if we go for that.

As things stand now:

I do not trust him, but I will be friendly and go with the flow, until I am ready to legalize our S. I doubt I will ever trust him again, so there is no point in hoping for a R with him. Even though I still love him, I think trust is way more important in a M. I am nicely detached now, and am in no way eager to reconcile, and then have to go through all those emotions again, if/when he betrays me as I believe he would again. Best to just move on. He has done nothing to change my mind about trusting him, anyway. He does communicate better, but I don't think there's anything to it ... it's not a H/W type of communication ... more like a friendship. I cannot be a true friend to him (I cannot even trust him as a friend), because of everything he has done, but I can be friendly. I can forgive, but it's hard to forget.

Some interesting quotes on trust:

To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
- George MacDonald

Love all, trust a few.
- William Shakespeare

You see THAT girl, yeah her.
She seems so invincible right.
but just touch her & she'll flinch.
She has secrets & she trusts no one.
she's the perfect example of betrayal.
cause everyone she trusted, broke her
- xanga

The worst part about being lied to is knowing that you weren't worth the truth.
- Mishaela

I may have trust issues, but some people seem to have an issue with the responsibility of being trusted..
- Unknown

You look at me and think, 'she's so happy' but there's so much behind this little smile that you will never know.
- Unknown

"If you have enough guts to stab me in the back, then why don't you grow some balls and stab me in the front."
- jordan<3

"Respect and Trust are two way streets.."
- My Father

[angel61]

You sound like you are in a good place, BM.

[BeingMe]

I sure am, angel61. It's been a long, painful journey with the odd joy in between, but now I am mostly happy. And at peace with us being separated/divorced.

[BeingMe]

Just keeping my thread near the top, just in case anyone wants to posit anything about my sitch. Not that there's much happening. H's out east, far away ... as usual. And, I write poetry for my course, drawing on life as an almost separated wife.

Here's one that my class liked. Apologies if I posted it on my old thread. (Also, none of the features on the bar above work, so I couldn't do any italics and bold text.)

Love doesn't live here anymore

Love doesn't live here anymore.
it snuck out the back door,
while I wasn't looking.
cold indifference took its place,
while he crouches over his laptop,
like a crow over a scrap in the road.

“It puts food on the table,” he said.
I didn't know that that was all it did,
put food on the table, while love
moved out, and life was dulled
by constant business trips,
each lasting longer and longer.

I can no longer eat that food on the table.
It has grown cold, and rancid
and bitter to the taste,
each morsel a gag response.
tired of living in nauseating fear.
I've got to get the freak out of here.

[forward]

I like the line about the crow over the scrap.

I am sorry that you have been at this for so long. I know that D brought closure to me. It was time to think about what *i* wanted.

[mncwng]

i liked your poem, BM. you seem like you're in a good place mentally. i'm still working to get to that point myself. sending some good thoughts your way...

[BeingMe]

Thanks y'all. I am in a very good place right now. I am so detached now, and happy for that. Nothing worse than wishing for things that ain't gonna happen. I see no future now, with my H. And, I have no intention in marrying again. Just going to have fun, living how I want to live. Taking it one day at a time ... cliche statement, perhaps, but true.

The poem was written drawing from my M experiences, but I didn't feel sad writing it. I find that once I'm past negative experiences, then I can write about it, creatively speaking (I sure can write about it here while going through it). I have to just work through it.

Ditto on the good thoughts ... returning them doubly.

[BeingMe]

It is our 26th anniversary on Thursday .... whatever. I will be driving up from visiting my niece and sister, so will have lots to think about. Mostly about school work ... have an essay due on Friday.

Hope y'all are doing well.

[BeingMe]

Anniversary came and went, no celebration, no expectations. We did go to a movie on Saturday night .... The Hunger Games. It was fantastic. Not sure when H's leaving again, probably next week.

In the meantime, classes are finished for this semester, and I am studying for exams later this month. On Thursday, the university's literary magazine comes out, and I have a story published therein. Yay! My new career begins. I hope.

Well, that's my story continued ....

[job]

You sound great! I'm glad you got out to see the movie. It is a good one.

Congratulations on the publication of the story! You have a lot to be proud of, i.e., you've come a very long way and are an inspiration to all.