Needing some guidance...

[jks]

Wow, a lot struggles there and you have come so far... I am amazed!! Well done! I don't know how you have the time to counsel me or anyone else here but I am so glad you keep coming back because right now everyone's perspective for me is to get out of it.

I ended up calling H tonight. The pit in my stomach has been more than I can bear right now (I've had it all week ever since I found out about the PA) so I needed to talk to him. I know, total DB no-no but I'm so tired of living in wonder. I will get stronger, I know I will, but for now I am weak.

I told him I feel like I messed up. And what I was referring to was our convo on the phone a couple days ago. He said, no you didn't. He said I think when it all came out and I got caught, I wanted to fix everything and I knew that I needed to end things with OW in order to fix it. But the reality set in of actually losing her and I wasn't ready to do it. He talked more about how he leans one way and sees how it could be good or bad and then if how he leans the other, the same thing.

He said he doesn't know why he's having such a hard time making this decision but he can't just come to an answer. He's worried that if he stays with me, he will never be truly happy. He's worried that our personalities don't mesh well and overall we won't get along as well as him and OW do. He likes the way he feels like he can be himself completely around her. Whereas with me, he is always trying to do what will please me. He said he thinks about having to share our kids for the holidays and he said it would be awful to have to do it when both of us are separated and alone but if we have someone then there's a different element of happiness that makes sharing the kids not so bad.

I told him I think it seems silly to go through what we went through and learn all the things we did, and then just give up and walk away. Why wouldn't we want to learn from it and grow together because of it now that both of us are willing to do the work? I told him in a year from now he could be completely happy and fulfilled in his R with me and will look back at all of this thinking, I can't believe I was about to end it all and break up my family. I also told him that if you look at our M as a whole, consider this the lowest point and we can only go up from here. To me, that is exciting.

I am so frustrated that there is this OW, because I truly believe that my H would not have any reservations coming back and making it work with me if he hadn't gotten so close with her. He can't imagine ending it with her.

He told me that if we didn't have kids, we would no longer be together. I tried to ask him about the things he had mentioned to me about what he missed about me and that he was afraid of losing me... what was that all about? He said he mostly was just afraid of losing his family. And, yes, he missed things about me but overall he still didn't feel like our personalities went together well. He feels this because OW has his ideal personality.

He loves the way she's so independent and gets things done and lets him be who he is. She also has no kids and no worries whatsoever so I'm pretty dang sure I would be just as independent too. I told him that and he agreed.

He is basically telling me that in order for him to come back, he has to want to try. And right now he's trying to get himself to a place to want that again. He also said he won't be seeing OW for the time being. But did mention that it has been very hard. He wants to see her very badly. I asked him if he ever wants to see me and he said, yes.

He is so afraid of getting back with me and having things not work overall and then losing OW and being alone. I told him he has no idea what it even feels like to be alone. He left me alone in our house. He would take the kids on Sundays which was our family day that we'd always go to his parent's house to have dinner and I would spend my Sunday night by myself. Eating dinner by myself. He went and lived with his parents and has had that support from them ever since. I only just recently have felt that support since I moved in with my mom in Feb.

He has a huge extended family that always gets together for big events. I have my mom and her H. That is it. And he gets to D me and go straight into another R with another woman that he already loves. He doesn't have to do the "alone" thing at all. I will be the one who cannot date anyone because I'm so emotionally messed up and I have THREE kids to add on top of all my baggage. I will compare every man to my H and wish that I were with him.

This is absolutely insane!! My H basically just wants to know that I'm going to be ok if he leaves me. That has been his driving force for not going through with everything. Because he worries that I'll just be angry at the kids all the time and it will affect them greatly. I do not feel there's anymore hope now that OW is involved. I cannot compete with perfection in his eyes. And now that he's seeing that if he's going to be so happy with OW then not having the kids so much will not matter to him anymore.

I later texted him and told him, "I am sorry if you feel pressured by me. Everything I do and say comes from a place of love. I do not want to make you feel worse about it. That is not my purpose. I won't ask you about it anymore... it is not fair for me to do that."

He responded, "I don't have a problem with what you've been asking. You have a right to know so don't worry about asking because it doesn't bother me."

Oh man, right back at square one... this road is never ending, I'm afraid.