Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

We went to our second couples counseling session today.
Maybe some progress, I don't know.

She definitely mentioned having a marked sense of relief over the past two weeks (since I started 180s and since the antidepressants really kicked in). Oddly, over that period of time we talked exactly 0 times about our M. We have actually had a pretty good time, occasionally laughing and joking.

She started getting really emotional for the first time, actually crying for the first time since the bomb. This time, in counseling, I expressed my emotions but didn't wear them on my sleeve.

We talked about some serious attachment problems which occurred early in our relationship which involved her giving me some ultimatums instead of trying to talk about any of it with me, and my sacrificing things for her and getting exactly no gratitude. And my feeling like I've been fighting for a long time for her to be 100% committed to our M, and my insecurity/abandonment fears due to my parents' D.

What's weird to me is that she keeps talking in a way where she mentions how much we've worked and worked on our M--but refers to events that literally happened in the 1990s...it's like she's using some sort of internal emotional reference point from way back then as part of her way of finding her strength to walk away.

She mentioned how she's been really anxious to bring things up to me, including the bomb, because she's afraid I'll get angry and she'll feel blame/guilt for it.
She talked about her biggest fear being that the kids will be hurt--but still doesn't seem to get that D is a huge hurt for them no matter what.

She talked about how afraid she is that if we do D that I'll tell the kids something like "it's because mommy doesn't love me anymore" and she'd find that devastating--which is confusing to me because for the moment, it's exactly true. Or that I might do something like fight for custody.

I'm starting to believe that she's massively avoiding her sense of blame and actually feels ashamed--and wants to hide that from our friends, family, and kids.
I now think she's rationalized this WAW flight as some sort of protection of the children--which is going to make it difficult for her to back out of this decision easily, if she does at all.

I think she wants to control this situation, but is slowly realizing that how I act if we move forward on a D is not something under her control, and is petrified.