am i better off without him?

[scaredsilly]

thank you, yc. at least i know someone else has experienced this. i saw my therapist today and she said that his crying does not mean he wants to stay together but could just be relief and sadness. of course, it's not what i want to hear.

i sent him a list of individual counselors that are approved by our insurance. we only have a $15 co-pay.

i wrote this:
"H, i had another counseling session this morning. it helps me so much. it helps me to think about what i want and how i can get there. i think we are both in pain. i think everyone who goes through what we are going through, and what we've gone through, is in pain. i think it would also help you to be able to talk to someone and our insurance only requires a $15 co-pay. pretty good investment, in my opinion. sometimes we are doomed to repeat things that we can overcome with help and understanding. i've included this list of approved counselors for us (our mental health administrator is "Blank").
my counselor is in (our city) so you needn't worry about any conflict of interest. i picked ones here that are near the office, if you're interested.
just a thought. i really want the best for you (and me!).
W"

as i've said before, LRT does not work with him. he likes kind words and feeling loved. with him, it's "out of sight, out of mind".

i sent him a text last night after thinking about our weekend of rehashing all our problems in our marriage:

"I saw this: talking about your marriage problems makes you relive them (along with the pain). I don't want any more pain and it kills me to see you in pain. Moving forward, I only want to be kind to you. I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused one of the sweetest people on earth. I've been so wrong about so much but the way we talk about it brings out my defenses (fears) and that's not good because it makes you feel that I don't understand YOUR feelings. I do. It's hard to say so when someone is telling you how awful you've been but I know it. Im not refuting your feelings. I will try to never hurt you again. If I don't communicate that well, please know that that is my motive. I hope one day you will look back on me with a loving heart and remember more of my goodness and thoughtfulness. I have to keep a positive mindset so I think I had better not talk about hurtful things. I can promise you that I'm listening and learning but it's for my sake that I am since I'm the only one I can control (and sometimes I have problems there but i am working on it). I am your friend and will always feel love for you."

He sent back:

"Thank you for your kind words, I can see the wisdom in your words. I do see your kindness in a lot of ways. Enjoy your days"

And two hours later, he sent another text:

"I do know lots of your goodness & thoughtfulness ( T & G ) I will try to remember and send one a day. Today's is: the hard work and caring you gave my mom after the Hurricane damage to her home."

so, at least we are speaking positively and lovingly to each other. he sent me another text today with something i had done for him and his kids that he thought was thoughtful and good.

however, he still makes statements like "where we are" (alluding to divorcing) so it makes him being so kind to me so much harder to bear. i cannot talk of divorce. it makes me sick to my stomach. i've agreed we would be better off but i really don't think so. i think (of course, or i wouldn't be here) that we can work on us and come out better than before. our time to be together is here, we've succeeded in life and have the finances to do it but he's departed from that dream. he's even said to me once, "i don't have any dreams with you anymore".

i don't know what to do other than to keep trying to make myself a better person, GAL (going to grandson's baseball game tonight), and continue to validate his feelings.

thanks for any help and comments from anyone out there. i could not make it if it weren't for this community.