Needing some guidance...

[Accuray]

Thanks RoRo, JKS my sitch is going well overall. I'll save you the reading since I'm on my third thread. My challenge has been acceptance of the things I cannot change.

My W is not a very happy person, but has accepted that about herself, and manages it well. She doesn't enjoy sex for herself, but is willing to do it for my benefit. She does not speak my "love language" despite the fact that she knows what it is. She wants nothing to be expected of her, and for me to treat anything she does for me as a gift.

All of the professional help I have gotten (MC, IC, DB Coach) have told me that my choice is accept things as they are, or leave, there is no third choice where W decides to change any of these things. I've always been an optimist and a "fixer", so that's a grim outlook for me, and coming to acceptance has been a challenge.

Like you I have also wrestled with the aftermath of infidelity. For a long time I didn't feel "safe" that I wouldn't get burned again, so I was desperately looking for gestures on W's part to indicate that she had fully bought into the marriage going forward. Addressing any of the items in the list above would have greatly reassured me of her commitment, but as I've come to learn, that's not who she is.

Reading about how good marriage can really be in books like "The Five Love Languages" and "Passionate Marriage", I got a glimpse of something I really wanted, and I was willing to go there. Initially I was really surprised when W wasn't joining me on that journey, and it was shocking to me to find out that she really didn't want a closer relationship, she wanted more distance in our relationship than I did.

It's been a long and difficult journey, but at this point, I'm no longer looking for or expecting any reassurance, and I'm ok with that. It's also been painful to give up on that vision for how good marriage can be, and to accept that I will not have that with W. The gift I've given myself, however, is to be happy with my own journey and where I've come, and to know that if W does decide to cheat on me again, I will be able to move on without going through the pain. Based on what I contribute, I also think it's highly unlikely that she'll be motivated to cheat again, but I'm certainly "on guard" now like I never was before -- not from the perspective of trying to watch or control her, but from the perspective of staying mentally ready to leave if I need to.

There are definitely elements of our relationship that are MUCH better now than they ever were. W never used to tell me when anything was wrong. She was an expert at stonewalling. She is now willing to try to share with me if something is bothering her. Overall her mood is better now than it was for years. I enjoy spending time with her now whereas for a long time I would walk on eggshells or avoid her altogether. Also, after reading the SSM book, she has a much better sensitivity to our sex life, and has stepped up the frequency for my benefit, and that I really do appreciate.

Still a work in progress with more healing to do, but for now it is working for me.

Accuray