It's been an interesting week. I've been darker than usual with H the past few weeks. Under the guidance of my therapist I've gone against some of the DB principles and even went so far as having R talk with my H. My therapist suspects that because of H's psychiatric illness, he doesn't fully fall in the category of a typical WAS and I tend to agree.
H has always been fully supportive of my therapy and I've been able to use that to my advantage (wow that sure sounds manipulative). As part of my therapy I've been doing nightly thanksgiving/appreciation exercises where I've been emailing or texting 3 people in my life something that I appreciate or like about them and then I journal something I appreciate or like about myself and something about the world/univerise that I appreciate. It's meant to get myself into the habit of thinking more positivitely. H is one of the 3 that I've chosen as I figured it would be a win/win for the both of us (afterall, who doesn't like hearing nice things about themself?) and hopefully benefit our R, as I suspect that H was feeling that I was taking him for granted. My therapist thought that my reasoning was a good idea, as long as H was ok with it and I made sure that H felt no obligation to respond. H is completely fine with it.
Well I've been doing this for over a month and last week was the first we've talked about it since I started doing it. H brought it up by saying that he thinks it's working for me, that I don't seem to be such a negative nelly anymore. He then went on to say that he's a bit disappointed the times I've forgotten to do it and that he's begun to look forward to reading them in the mornings because some of things I talk about happened long ago, things he's completely forgotten about and some of it makes him laugh.
Something I wasn't expecting, that's for sure. Seems I've reminded him of some really good times we've had without meaning to. I'll take it as a positive sign that at least he's no longer stuck in black and white thinking.
I honestly don't remember how it turned to R talk. But it was good and it was calm and we agreed to resume the conversation at a later time. H talked about how he felt that he never got any alone time to himself and that he's finding that he's really enjoying his alone time. I told him that I can completely understand that, that as a SAHM I have that luxury while D is in school. That while he's at work, he's pulled in a thousand different directions and when he gets home, he still feels an obligation to engage with D and I and he never really took the time for himself to just be alone to think and regroup. H said for this very reason he is dreading his parents coming home. I told him that I can completely understand that as well. (I did not tell him, but I am also dreading my IL's coming home. I really fear that my MIL will resume feeding H her koolaid...although who knows? Maybe it will be enough space and distance that H will start to recognize it for what it is.)
H said at this point in time he's unable to commit either way to D or R. He said he feels bad about that and feels like he's stringing me along and being totally unfair to me. I laughed a little and told him not to presume that he has that much power and influence over me and that I'll do whatever it is that I want to do. I told him that I meant it when I said in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I said to him that he doesn't hold all the cards either, that if we were to attempt R our M, there's a lot of things that I'd also want to see change. H acknowledged that it's both of us who messed things up. (another sign he's no longer stuck in black and white thinking).
H then confessed that things at work aren't going so well. That in the past year or so he's really slacked off and let a lot of things slide. It's starting to reflect in his numbers and that he now has the president and senior VP breathing down his neck. If he doesn't turn things around quickly, he's likely going to lose his job. I tried reassuring him, telling him that he's very good at what he does; That his management team and staff respect him and hold him in high regard so I didn't think it would be an issue in getting their cooperation. He said he knows exactly what he needs to do to get things turned around. I told him I know he does and that I have faith that he'll be successful in getting it done.
(on a side note) ^^^^^ I did tell my therapist about this. She said she's not surprised, that it's an indication of how sick he really is and how his mental illness has crept into every facet of his life. She said this is exactly why I shouldn't take much of what H says about our M too seriously until he gets well again.
On Saturday I told H that if he didn't already have plans for Easter dinner, he's welcome to have Easter dinner with D12 and I. He asked, "when's Easter?" I told him. He said, "sure, that would be great." I then asked him if he had any requests for dinner.
"Tuna casserole."
"What?!?"
"Tuna casserole."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Is that a hard thing to make?"
At this point I was doubled over in laughter.
"What's so funny?"
"Nothing (trying to control my laughter). I was expecting you to ask for pork tenderloin or chateaubriand or something like that. Not tuna casserole! Tuna casserole is what you make for dinner when you've forgotten to take something out of the freezer to defrost. It takes longer to bake than it does to assemble it."
"Well I like your tuna casserole. Is that okay?"
Me still laughing, "Yes it's okay. I can make tuna casserole for Easter dinner."
Ya know, I can't help but love that man. If he were a woman, he'd be the exact opposite of high maintenence.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
