Husband left me...feel hopeless

[Accuray]

Hopingandpraying,

Yes, the pain is brutal. Unfortunately there really isn't much I can say to help you with that. There are things I was able to do to help to feel better, but that's a relative term, if I went from a 1 to a 1.5 on a 10 point scale, that's feeling "better", but still feeling really really badly.

Here's my list of what helped me "feel" better FWIW:

1) DB Coach -- talking to the DB coach helped me understand that some aspects of my situation I thought were hopeless were actually anything but. The DB coach also helped me understand that many things I was taking personally really weren't about me at all. It helped immensely. Many people say they can't afford it. I couldn't afford it either. Here's how I looked at it -- if I broke my arm, I would go to the doctor and get it set, even if that meant going into debt -- I can't function with a broken arm. When W asked me for divorce, I was just as broken and couldn't function, so it was like a medical necessity to get help.

2) Reading -- I read a huge library of relationship books. I think what was most important to me is that I didn't want to end up here again, with W or someone new. Either way, I *really* wanted to understand what I had done or didn't do, and how I could change me to prevent the same thing from happening again. This helped me feel more in control and not as hopeless.

3) Friends -- I needed an emotional outlet, and W was telling me to pound sand, so I needed someone else to confide in. I really confided in two friends who became my 24x7 support system -- very helpful. DB coach or IC are fine, but you can't call them when you're feeling your worst unless it happens to coincide with what you have scheduled

4) Journaling / Posting -- It felt great to get it out. It felt great to have others comment on my sitch who could understand and offer guidance or just support. Sometimes I just wanted support instead of advice.

5) Exercise -- I started riding 15 - 20 miles per day on my road bike. The physical activity was great in terms of how my body felt, but the downside was lots of alone time to get triggered by my thoughts. Would have been great to ride with friends or in a group instead. Either way, exercise was great.

6) Time -- Undoubtedly what mattered most. One suggestion from my DB coach which I liked was to start rating yourself and/or your relationship. Whatever it is you are rating, put it on a ten point scale. If you're a "3", ask yourself why you're not a "2", what makes you better than a 2? Then celebrate that, that's what's going well. Don't skip that step. Then, ask what you'd be doing differently if you were a "4"? Don't shoot for 10, just shoot for one step higher. Then set a goal to attain 4, and re-evaluate. This exercise was good because it allows you to see progress in how you're feeling, allows you to celebrate what's going well, and allows you to set realistic goals versus considering it a failure until you're restored to your pre-bomb frame of mind.

That probably doesn't help you that much either. Time really is your best friend, it just seems to pass so slowly when you're in crisis.

Accuray