New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey

[AJM]

Hi Golf Mom. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but can I offer a few suggestions?

I catch myself hoping for a future reconciliation knowing the odds are so low. Without some hope my life feels empty and scary.

What are you scared of exactly?
As for hope, of course you do. We all have those moments. We all want Lassie to come home, right?

More specifically, we all want a happy ending. What we think of as a happy ending is for our spouse to have an epiphany and come running back. Reality is that a happy ending might not be that. If you look in the archives at people who's spouses have come home, and look years later, you find that some come back but it's not real nor lasting. It's temporary, which to me would be worse.

For those that have a happy ending, they have made a happy ending. That happiness doesn't always include the current spouse.

For me, if I'm honest, I think I wanted my family back more than my spouse. Did I love my spouse? Yes. Very much so and in some ways still do. I care at least, that she's healthy and ok. Do I want her back? No. Why? Because I don't want to be married to somebody that treats me that way. I don't even want to talk to her. It started that I didn't want to talk to her for my sake. She wanted to talk on her terms and I wasn't willing. I wasn't willing to be part of the facade. Honesty or nothing (within reason of course) was the approach I live my life by. I still do.

Mine is hateful. Degrading and many other characteristics I never want to be part of. If I'm honest about the timelines, that started long before she "surprised" me and left blaming me for everything. That hasn't stopped and I know I cannot be happy around somebody like that. I cannot save her

Figure out what you are really scared of, GM. Figure out why the feelings of emptiness. Face them realistically.

Your husband made his choices and still is. That's real. Wanting him back may be more about wanting back what you had or having your family back together. To stop the pain your kids feel. There may be other ways to help them, right?

You cannot control him. You cannot stop him. You cannot change history.

You can make peace with reality and peace with the past. You may be able to much better help your kids with this once you have made your peace.

You can do this without his interaction. He will actually make that harder, but it's not impossible.

I agree with Snodderly above about the text based on my own experience and experiences I've read on this board and others. Encourage him to be respectful at all times. Be respectful but firm. And I agree with Kimmerz about limiting the conversation to 1x week for your own sake.

Be you and let him figure himself out. You cannot help him with this.

AJ