What do I do next? Part 3

[luvhurts49]

I've taken the last couple of weeks to reflect on things that have been said and advice that has been give from friends, family, and from those on this forum. I've had to take a long hard look at things that I've been doing that probably have been detrimental in getting the one's I love back into my life.

25years, you're right, I have been pursuing and doing everything that doesn't work time and time again. Do I want to be doing these things, no, of course not, yet I keep doing them.

I know that today I am a better person and a better father to my kids than I was 8 months ago and I would also like to believe that I would be a better husband to my W than I was 8 months ago. But I continue to have my failings...I continue my need to be right...that everything needs to be explained and that I must have the truth. I do see the flaws in these. Yes I would rather be happy than right. I would rather be happy than having to know everything. Yet I still find myself falling into this rut time and time again, not knowing how to stay out of the rut permanently.

My heart screams in pain for my lost marriage, wife, and lost time with my children. I try to find things to do that keep my mind off of my problems like hanging out with friends, going to comedy clubs, and simply trying to spend time out of the house. But at the end of the day, everything comes back...a flood of emotion hits me like a freight train and I stand there frozen, not being able to move out of the way.

I know I need to let my W live her life...give herself a chance to hopefully see the man I am becoming. I know I need to stop trying to control the situation and stop doing things that I know don't work. I need to give my W time to see what she wants, to give herself a chance to miss me, to desire me, to want me, and hopefully to love me again.

Everything sounds so easy, but it isn't...it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I find myself rushing things, trying to find a shortcut, but it's not there. I find myself in so much pain that I'm literally frozen and all I can do is cry and profess my love for my wife, children, my marriage, and everything else that I've lost to an empty room with only the ghosts and memories of out past together. I feel like I'm at a funeral that is lasting forever...where the pain never fades, the lose never subsides, and the misery continues on forever. I am stuck.